Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

First Date Tips

Posted on April 7, 2010

First Date

12 Steps to a Perfect First Date:

1) Don’t mispronounce your own name. It’s pretty suspicious.

2) Full intercourse right away. Before you leave for the restaurant. It deflates the tension.

3) A simple mnemonic: Milkshake then sushi, problems with tushy; Sushi then milkshake, also big mistake.

4) Avoid religion, especially the part about believing that crystals radiate “aura stabilizers.”

5) Bring your dog, so if you get nervous, you can pretend your dog is a ventriloquist dummy. “Ruff ruff, I’ll have the couscous with a side of bones.”

6) Body language is important. Remember to have body language.

7) Post-dinner laser tag.

8) Show your date that trick where you dislocate your thumb, and it hangs there like it’s dead.

9) Take a breather about halfway through the evening. Just explain to your date you need to take a breather.

10) It’s never too early to ask for help with a pimple on your back. It shows you’re open to intimacy.

11) Never kiss on the first date. Stick to high fives and full intercourse.

12) Mail your date the thank you card and souvenir t-shirt the very next day. Some people wait a week, but we’re too old to play games.

There you go. Good luck on your dates. Enjoy yourself, and don’t throw up.

Comments (3) Trackbacks (2)
  1. OMG, this is hilarious. My favorite is taking a ‘breather’ on the date. I somehow vision my favorite guy in the whole wide world right now, Zach Galifianakis actually doing this, and saying it to his date.

  2. Personally, I dig the high fives and full intercourse. Followed closely by the souvenir t-shirt. Yeah, baby, all class, all the time!!

  3. I wish I was single again so that I could use all of this fantastic advice.

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