So, you’re going on another date. Good for you. You must not have thrown up during the first one. Here are twelve steps for a great second date:
1) Be yourself. Because, honestly, how long did you think you could keep up that French accent?
2) Show up on a tandem bicycle. Yeah, shit just got real.
3) Wear your most expensive sweatpants. Dates appreciate the finer things.
4) Bring along the portrait you painted of him or her from memory. It will show you’re interested, especially because you incorporated their real hair.
5) Prove how generous you are by tipping the emergency room doctor.
6) Or, you could just remember to ask if your dish contains peanuts. For once, god damn it.
7) Fun activity: skipping stones on a pond, especially if you’re super competitive about it.
8) Find out the other person’s name. That was pretty sloppy on your part.
9) If you happen to stumble on the sidewalk, don’t get flustered. Just laugh it off. Keep laughing and laughing until you can hardly breathe and your face turns red. Laugh until you sound like an evil scientist. Then, your date won’t even remember that you tripped.
10) Ask if you can videotape the entire date to help “work on your technique.”
11) Bring up religion. Why not?
12) Now’s a good time to try out some of the weird stuff in bed, before the sex gets monotonous and boring on the third date.
That’s it. Good luck, and remember to listen and smile. Oh, and dance like no one’s watching.