Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Second Date Tips

Posted on May 25, 2010

Second Date

So, you’re going on another date. Good for you. You must not have thrown up during the first one. Here are twelve steps for a great second date:

1) Be yourself. Because, honestly, how long did you think you could keep up that French accent?

2) Show up on a tandem bicycle. Yeah, shit just got real.

3) Wear your most expensive sweatpants. Dates appreciate the finer things.

4) Bring along the portrait you painted of him or her from memory. It will show you’re interested, especially because you incorporated their real hair.

5) Prove how generous you are by tipping the emergency room doctor.

6) Or, you could just remember to ask if your dish contains peanuts. For once, god damn it.

7) Fun activity: skipping stones on a pond, especially if you’re super competitive about it.

8) Find out the other person’s name. That was pretty sloppy on your part.

9) If you happen to stumble on the sidewalk, don’t get flustered. Just laugh it off. Keep laughing and laughing until you can hardly breathe and your face turns red. Laugh until you sound like an evil scientist. Then, your date won’t even remember that you tripped.

10) Ask if you can videotape the entire date to help “work on your technique.”

11) Bring up religion. Why not?

12) Now’s a good time to try out some of the weird stuff in bed, before the sex gets monotonous and boring on the third date.

That’s it. Good luck, and remember to listen and smile. Oh, and dance like no one’s watching.


First Date Tips

Posted on April 7, 2010

First Date

12 Steps to a Perfect First Date:

1) Don’t mispronounce your own name. It’s pretty suspicious.

2) Full intercourse right away. Before you leave for the restaurant. It deflates the tension.

3) A simple mnemonic: Milkshake then sushi, problems with tushy; Sushi then milkshake, also big mistake.

4) Avoid religion, especially the part about believing that crystals radiate “aura stabilizers.”

5) Bring your dog, so if you get nervous, you can pretend your dog is a ventriloquist dummy. “Ruff ruff, I’ll have the couscous with a side of bones.”

6) Body language is important. Remember to have body language.

7) Post-dinner laser tag.

8) Show your date that trick where you dislocate your thumb, and it hangs there like it’s dead.

9) Take a breather about halfway through the evening. Just explain to your date you need to take a breather.

10) It’s never too early to ask for help with a pimple on your back. It shows you’re open to intimacy.

11) Never kiss on the first date. Stick to high fives and full intercourse.

12) Mail your date the thank you card and souvenir t-shirt the very next day. Some people wait a week, but we’re too old to play games.

There you go. Good luck on your dates. Enjoy yourself, and don’t throw up.