Men With Ponytails
If there’s one thing we can learn from today, it’s to treat every day like it’s “Men, Cut Off Your Ponytails Day.” Let’s take the joy and the goodwill we’ve felt from today’s celebration, and let’s carry it forward though the rest of our lives.
A lot of folks out there say to themselves, “Sure, I’ll celebrate men getting rid of their gross ponytails every January 5th, but why should I worry about it the rest of the year?” Because it’s important; that’s why. Do you want your kids to grow up in a world where men wear ponytails?
It’s surprisingly easy to apply the lessons we learned this “Men, Cut Off Your Ponytails Day” to our daily lives. Whether it’s as simple as providing sharp scissors to a friend already considering cutting off his ponytail or something subtler, like pointing out he’s so “brave” to draw attention to his receding hairline with a ponytail.
We’ve all been to a jam band concert. We’ve all met an aging poetry professor. Male ponytails are more prevalent every year despite our best efforts.
Stringy ponytails are bad enough. But, things have escalated, and now you can see lush, flowing ponytails on men. As if they’re Brazilian soccer stars or something. Dreadlocked ponytails, gray ponytails, curly, straight, frizzy ponytails---you might feel like the problem is too big, like it’s too far gone. But, it’s not.
You can play a part in stopping the queasy discomfort of waiting behind a male ponytail in line for a movie. You can help men look slightly less pathetic in their Ferraris. Simply go to the “Men, Cut Off Your Ponytails Day” website and download a PDF of handy tips for ending the scourge of men with ponytails.
I thank you, and your children thank you.
Mom’s Computer
Alright, Mom, let's set up this new computer you got for Christmas. Now, there are going to be some differences between this one and your old computer, because they’ve changed a bit since the mid-90s. For instance, when you turn this one on, notice how it doesn't make a grinding ka-chunk ka-chunk sound?
The second thing you might note is that this new computer starts up in less than 45 minutes. Also, it’s not dirty beige. And, the screen doesn’t flicker a weird tangerine color. And, you can open email attachments without deleting something else first. And, you can have more than one window open at once. Welcome to the future, Mom. Tomorrow is here today.
You can even watch videos on your new computer. Just type in search terms for your interests, like “Diana Krall singing” or “knitting tutorials.” Oh, I got it—remember when you wanted to cook a duck, but you didn’t know how to prepare it? Well, let’s type in “boning a duck” and wait a sec and … OH MY GOD! THAT’S DISGUSTING!
Homepage, homepage! Click the little homepage button!
Mom, I am so sorry. I swear I had no idea that video was gonna come up. I’m sorry you saw that. I’m sorry I saw you seeing that.
Let’s try again. How about we try “de-boning a duck?” I’ll just type … that … in and … OH, C’MON! THAT’S JUST THE SAME VIDEO IN REVERSE WITH THE BENNY HILL MUSIC PLAYING!
Well, I guess it’s too early to explain what a “meme” or a “remix” is to you, but it’s a thing that happens on the Internet. And, I think we just bumped into one of the more repugnant ones. I promise the Internet is not all just ducks and men with psychosexual mental disorders.
Let’s give this one last try. We’ll forget about ducks and do a simple image search. Something safe like “hot air … balloon … pictures.” Now, we just wait for the page to load and … MOTHERFUCKER! THAT’S JUST GROSS! That is so gross, yo! Don’t they have a content filter system?!
Alright, that’s it. We’re turning off your computer. Mom, you are not to go on the Internet ever. You hear me? Everyone on the Internet is disgusting and crass and disgusting. They are disgusting dirtbags. Filthy, disgusting dirtbags.
Every single one of them.
New Year’s Resolutions
Some people only make one New Year’s resolution. That's a lot of pressure to either succeed or fail. I make a ton of resolutions. That way, even if I forget what I resolved to do/not do, I'll probably keep at least one or two of my New Year’s resolutions. Just through sheer luck. (It was actually my resolution last year to make more resolutions this year.)
Here's a list of my New Year’s resolutions for 2011. This year I resolve to:
- Remain the greatest dancer alive.
- Switch over from manual to electric boogaloo.
- Cut down to one cheeseburger per day.
- Rub some dirt on it and walk it off for crap’s sake.
- See one 3-D movie every day for two days.
- Stop drinking out of non-coconut containers.
- At least triple lutz. Maybe quadruple.
- Practice at least thrice weekly for my jug band.
- Finally finish my macaroni and tempera paint portrait of James Gandolfini as Gandalf the Wizard.
- Swim like no one’s watching.
- Do my multiplication tables without using my fingers.
- Buy a second ice bucket for emergency cocktail parties.
- Win a marathon through diligent cheating.
- Learn to how use chopsticks to play Chopsticks. [This one’s just a joke. I thought I’d lighten the mood on this blog. It gets pretty heavy.]
- Dress like I mean business, goddamnit.
- Finally read my autobiography to see if the ghostwriter captured my je ne sais quoi.
- Polish up my je ne sais quoi. Wink wink … wink.
- Go back in time and prevent the Snowpocalypse.
- Stop buying off-brand sock garters. It J. Jacob Masterson's or nothin'.
- Treat every jellybean like it's my last.
- Parlay my modeling fame into a rap album and cookbook.
- Enter into more blood oaths. What the hey, why not?
- Have my blog jump the shark in such a bold, dynamic way as to make shark jumping cool again.
- Be even more paralyzed by social anxiety.