How to Miss an Eclipse
Across the history of mankind, eclipses have been occasions for hushed awe and reverence. Often occurring once in a lifetime, each eclipse is an important keystone in marking our brief yet significant existence against the vastness of celestial infinity.
Here are a few tips for forgetting to watch a lunar eclipse:
1) A week ahead, fully intend to watch the eclipse. Maybe clip out the newspaper's weather page and stick it to your fridge.
2) On Monday, absentmindedly place a takeout menu in front of that same newspaper clipping.
3) Have a hard day at work.
4) Come home having forgotten to pick up bread to go with soup. Run back out for bread.
5) Do laundry. Preferably reds or warm darks, as those have been piling up.
6) Crash in front of the TV. Watch a Netflix episode of some show that's supposedly good but actually terrible. It need only be totally, brainlessly watchable. Any show off Showtime will do, though I myself prefer something with a female spy and/or assassin.
7) Repeat the previous step several times. Wow, Eliza Dushku can really mangle exposition. Huh.
8) Feel guilty about leaving the dishes in the sink for your spouse.
9) Check in on Facebook for a few hours. Somehow avoid seeing references to the eclipse in four separate statuses.
10) Download a iPhone game involving zebras racing down water slides.
11) This is the most important step: Remain awake and fully dressed during the eclipse. Be too focused on your game of Wacky Rapidz to remember the eclipse is happening.
12) Fall into bed around 3am.
13) Wake up early the next morning and watch a news story about the eclipse while you brush your teeth.
14) Write your blog post on the train.
Homemade Ornaments
Growing up, my family always crafted homemade ornaments. Because, store-bought ornaments are for people who’ve never been hugged. Here are a couple of ideas for making your own Christmas ornaments for this … I guess Christmas. Let’s say Christmas.
The Popcyclops – Hot glue a single googly eye to a popsicle stick. If you want, draw a little beard using magic marker, thereby doubling the magic.
Snowball – Some people buy pre-made styrofoam balls at the craft store. Boring. I say dip a tennis ball into a bucket of Wite-Out Brand Correction Fluid. Allow three weeks to fully dry. (You should have started this project earlier.) When dry, add goggly eyes.
Felt Monster – Hot glue three googly eyes onto a scrap of felt. Felt monster.
Origami Crane – This one’s easy. Buy a pack of origami paper. There should be a pre-folded paper crane included in the packet. Use that as an ornament and throw away the rest of the paper. Add googly eyes.
Candy Cane Heart – Glue together two candy canes in the shape of a heart. For the first day, this ornament is called “Candy Cane Heart.” By day two, it’s called “Cluster of Ants.” At day five, all that’s left is the glue and the googly eyes.
Cookie Cutter Ornament – Tie a ribbon to a cookie cutter. Boom! Done and done. This is turning out to be the best goddamn Christmas ever. Look at this pile of ornaments. I’m gonna treat myself to a break after all this crafting …. Ooh, look at this. Somebody left out a little mulled wine. Don’t mind if I do … Oh, shit! I forgot to add the googly eyes!
Cardboard Star with Macaroni – Trace a star onto a piece of cardboard. Paint yellow using washable tempera paints. Glue pieces of macaroni onto said star, allowing room for the important googly eyes at the star’s points.
Glitter Pine Cone – The name of this one might be a little confusing. Essentially, it’s that you sprinkle glitter onto a pine cone. Googly eyes optional.
Paper Mache Elf Shoe – Capture an elf. Pull off his cute little shoes and re-release him into the wild. Use the shoes as a mold to create paper mache versions. Discard the shoes, since keeping elf shoes in the house overnight is bad luck. Paint the paper mache red or green. Fill with loose googly eyes.
Puffy Paint CD – Take an old CD and make a holiday design using puffy paint. Do not use googly eyes on this one, because we don’t want to seem ostentatious, do we? Dooooo weeeeee?
Bedazzled Baby Sock – Cover a former baby sock with dozens of tiny googly eyes. You can buy special metallic gem googly eyes online at any scrapbooking website.
Cross Stitch Santa – Ask your great-aunt to make you this one. Chip in on googly eyes though, you cheapskate.
Nativity Scene with Googly Eyes – Be careful with this one. Unless done just right, it may come across a little blasphemous.
Have fun making ornaments! Can’t wait to see them on your tree.
Christmas Songs
I’ve decided to write some Christmas songs. It’s not because I’m like super bananas over Christmas. I’m more of a Halloween guy. Red makes me look puffy.
However, writing a Christmas song is like printing your own money. Except, the Secret Service doesn’t crawl up your asshole for writing a Christmas song. (Listen, Secret Service, I have no idea why those $50 bills had pictures of Martin Van Buren on them. Leave me alone, already!) So, I decided to try my hand at songwriting.
I thought it’d be easy. It turns out most of the important rhymes have been taken. And, I guess my nightmare about my mother having a sexual affair with Santa Claus has already been covered successfully.
Anyway, here’s a list of songs I’ve come up with. Do not steal them:
The Christmas/Hanukkah Get-Together with Light Appetizers
Sledding Elves are Sledding
Oh, Pinecones on the Door Wreath
The Tinseling Song
Holy Holy Holiness
It’s Weirdly Important That Mary Was a Virgin
Lights, Lights, Lights are Untangling
Jolliness: Put It in You
The Camel Who Believed in the Power of Christ’s Birth
The Littlest Angel’s Ukulele
Plum Day
Forsooth, Ye Swaddling Babe
The Jingle Jangle Bebop
Old Saint Nick is Breaking In
The “Looking for Scissors” Song
Stuff Those Stockings Mightily
and
Yule Log and Eggnog: Best Friends Forever
Those are the songs I’ve written this season. So far, I’ve only come up with the titles. But, I’m googling song structures, and I used to be pretty decent on the trombone. So, expect great things.
If any of you want to write any music or lyrics to these, that’s fine. Just post them in the comments section and sign off any rights or copyright over to me. You will not receive a reply, but who knows? Maybe one day you’ll hear the Muzak version of your (legally my) song in a department store.
Until then, Merry Pre-Holiday Season!
Beard Growing Tips
People often ask me how I grew such a lustrous, manly beard. It's probably the number one question I get after, "Are those your eyes, or did God open two windows to Heaven?"
Well, I'm here to tell you there are no secret tips to growing a perfect beard. Here are a few secret tips to grow a perfect beard:
- If you can, try to be born with a Y chromosome.
- At age 4, on an annual camping trip, wrestle a bear to the ground, saving your family from certain death. (I'm not sure if this is a hard-and-fast requirement. I'm simply writing what I know.)
- As a teenager, encourage your testosterone output with a daily regimen of manual testicle emptying. (Again, just writing what I know.)
- Your first three beards--much like your first three screenplays--are going to be absolute shit. Don't get discouraged.
- Regarding stubble, three words: exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. I can't stress exfoliation enough. Be careful not to over-exfoliate.
- Examine your deeper motivation for growing a beard. A beard grown out of weakness or deceit will carry that negative energy with it forever.
- At day ten, a new beard will curl in and itch like crazy. Like goddamnit-to-fucking-hell crazy. To get past this, check your phonebook for local beard growing support groups.
- If you do have to itch your beard, always itch across the grain. Never against.
- If your wife or girlfriend questions your wisdom in growing a beard, ask yourself what else she's holding you back from achieving.
- A daily beard conditioner can help with texture and body. I get mine shipped from an 80-year-old artisanal beardist in New Zealand. But, you can buy over-the-counter beard conditioner at any of the more reputable beard salons in your city.
- If you need to look at a picture of me for motivation, that's understandable. But, please, no creepy shrines.
- For whatever reason, beards grown during hunting trips tend to come in fuller than those grown on fishing trips.
- At some point, you'll have to define the edges of your beard. [*This post is aimed only at full-beard growers. I consider goatee or mustache growers simply hobbyists.] I suggest creating a simple, clean border along your neck from one corner of your jaw to the other. Do not over-stylize your beard. No one can pull that off a chin-strap beard, unless he is a Persian prince.
- If your beard is red or blonde, do not enter any pie eating contests. You risk permanent berry stains.
- Visualize your future self with a powerful, Viking-like beard. Try this: You're walking down the street. You see a man in a shop window. His thick, wavy beard broadcasts a sense of wisdom and sexual prowess. He stands tall and holds his head high. Look closer. That man in the shop window is a reflection. That man is you.
- Finally, this one might be obvious, but mother of pearl beard combs only.
That's it for beard growing tips. Next week we'll move on to tips for a rakish smile and penetrating gaze.
Blue Plaid Shirts
Oops, I think I got caught up in the spastic rush of Black Friday shopping today. I worry I may have bought a blue, plaid shirt that I already own. So, I decided to keep this handy list on my phone of all the blue, plaid shirts in my possession. Just so that I don't make the same mistake again.
- Blue. Plaid. Bits of brown. Short sleeves. The Gap.
- Blue. Plaid. Accents of red and light blue. Long sleeves. Banana Republic Outlet.
- Blue. Plaid. Alternating light blue and white. Long sleeves. Chili stain on right chest pocket. H&M.
- Blue. Plaid. Green lines. Cowboy cut. Collar sits a little high. Accents my man boobs and love handles. Rides up in the back. (Remember to donate this one to Goodwill.) The Gap.
- Blue. Plaid. Mother of pearl buttons. Witnessed a murder while wearing this shirt. Dry clean only. The Gap.
- Blue. Plaid. Flannel. Bits of green and yellow. Actually a plaid picnic blanket that I wrap around my torso and tuck into my pants on laundry day. Land's End.
- Blue. Plaid. Linen. Accents of dark blue. Lent to girl I had a crush on in high school. Never washed since. Still smells slightly of her, though mostly masked by mildew at this point. Unknown store.
- Blue. Plaid. Oversized from when I weighed 300 lbs. Shot that before-and-after weight loss commercial with it. Got paid in weight loss supplement that gave me arrhythmia. Sued. Won settlement of more weight loss supplement. Found out my class action lawyer was bribed by the defense. Chased him to Cancun after he fled the country. Wrote a mystery novel detailing it all. Still waiting on the galley copy. Land's End.
- Blue. Plaid. Breast pocket always seems to have a movie stub in it. Macy's.
- Blue. Plaid. Flecks of purple. Short sleeve. Has the words "R.I.P. Tupac" embroidered in script across the back.
- Blue. Plaid. Accents of red and light blue. Long sleeves. Banana Republic Outlet. (Now own two of these.)
Things I’m Thankful For
The following is a list of things I'm thankful for on this thanks-based holiday:
- My health, which is moderate to high moderate.
- My hammock. I would have listed this first, but I didn't want to jinx my health.
- My day job. Much better than my old day job of being unemployed and catching the second half of Miss Congeniality 2 on USA every couple of weeks.
- Mife, which is short for "my wife." (I'm also thankful for my amazing abbreviation skills. Myzingabbills, if you will.)
- New batteries for my beard trimmer. I now look up to 20% less werewolfy.
- The non-racist branch of my family.
- The five dollar bill I just found in this turkey costume I haven't worn since last year.
- The Internet and it's amazing spellcheck capabilities.
- All my expensive birthday gifts. The inexpensive, yet thoughtful gifts are okay, too, I guess.
- Dogs.
- My eyeballs. They needed reading glasses just in time to make me look even more pensively handsome.
- That part in Van Morrison's Sweet Thing where the violins go "doo do do do do doo dooo."
- My ability to laugh at myself. Or, more specifically, my ability to laugh at the thing I just wrote and then ask mife (my wife) if she's read it yet.
- Netflix Streaming's you-might-like suggestions. Quirky foreign sex comedies? Don't mind if I do!
- Jack Handey.
- My annual stop at Wendy's during my Thanksgiving road trip to Cleveland. Oh, number seven with frosty, absence has made my heart grow so fond.
- My blog readers. The both of you.
Lie Detector Test
Thank you for purchasing Andy Ross’s How to Be Awesome Correspondence Course. If you are listening to this cassette tape, that means you have completed Lesson One: Blowing Smoke Rings and also Lesson Two: Nunchucks.
Welcome, now, to Lesson Three: How to Fake Out a Lie Detector Test.
Everyone knows that lie detector tests are totally fake and stupid. That’s why they’re not admissible in court. (I know that for sure, because I offered to take a lie detector test to prove that I didn’t steal that garden gnome, but the stupid judge wouldn’t let me.) So, everybody knows lie detectors are B.S., except the people who still use them. Like the FBI or suspicious girlfriends or junk.
Is it possible to fake out a lie detector machine? You bet your ass it is. And, since your check or money order has cleared, I’ll tell you the secret: It’s all about messing with the baseline readings.
Every lie detector session starts out by establishing a baseline of your physical responses to simple questions. Like, “What year is it?” or “Are you a duck?” After asking basic questions, the lie detector technician compares all your later readings to those first ones.
Here’s how to crunk up those baselines:
1) The thumbtack trick. Spies are taught to mess up the baseline question by putting a thumbtack inside their shoe. And, whenever they answer any question, true or not, they step down on the tack. Boom, their nervous system goes apeshit, and the needle jumps equally every time. That’s some real James Bond shit right there.
If you don’t have a thumbtack handy, like because you’re in the jungle doing karate or something, you can try this…
2) Change the “truth.” Truth is all in the eye of the beholder, right? So, if they ask you the year, you can say 2010. But, in your head you can know that you’re lying. Because, according to the Mayan calendar, it’s some totally different date that I don’t feel like looking up on Wikipedia right now.
Or, let’s say they ask you your name. Just change your name before you take the test. You can do that at the Social Security office. I’m pretty sure the first time is free. Just don’t change it to Andy Ross, because I’m already googling really poorly, and I don’t need the competition.
I’m serious. If you think you’re funny by changing your name to my name, I’ll show up at your house with my nunchucks. We’ll see who’s laughing then.
3) Get your heart rate up. This one’s easy. Remember the pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Ah ha! See? Your heart rate is up already.
4) Become a Level 5 Zen Master. This one takes awhile. Not for me. But, for somebody like you, it’ll take years to have total mental control over your physical being. I wouldn’t recommend this one for beginners.
5) Use finger quotes. There’s nothing illegal about using finger quotes to turn any potential lie into merely sarcasm.
The thing is that you have to use air quotes for every answer, true or false. ‘Cause, if you just use them for the lies, the technician catches on. I learned that one the hard way when mall security asked me who was spitting in all the Jamba Juice cups when I worked at Jamba Juice.
6) Storm out. Pretty self-explanatory. Just pretend you have morals and that lie detector tests are “beneath you.” I mean, if we can’t trust each other as a society, where are we? Try to knock something over on your way out in order to make your point.
So, yeah, those are your tips for beating a lie detector. Good luck, and remember to carry around a thumbtack if you can.
The next lesson in the series will be Lesson Four: Sliding Across the Hood of a Car, Starsky and Hutch-Style. Expect your next cassette in like a month or two, because I’m real busy doing some other stuff right now.
Now, get out there and be awesome.
Winter Squash
Winter squash seems to be everywhere this fall. It’s overflowing farmers’ market tables. It’s decorating front porches. It’s bulging out underneath elderly shoplifters’ overcoats.
If you’re like me, you can’t get enough or its earthy, savory flavor. But, for those of you who’ve never experienced to delight that is winter squash, allow me to run through a list of my favorite varieties:
Butternut Squash – The sweetest of the winter squashes, easy-to-peel, and perfect for pureeing. Eager to please without coming across as desperate. Good with kids and pets.
Acorn Squash – Wonderful for roasting or sautéing. Bold and adventurous with a cheeky sense of humor. Often disobedient towards authority figures. Fashion-forward.
Hubbard Squash – The largest winter squash. Stores very well for up to five months. However, it can be quite pushy. Has kind of an eldest child thing going on. Well-meaning, but often unwilling to compromise. Idealistic.
Pumpkin – Terrific for making the classic namesake pie. Can be cloyingly innocent at times. The kind of innocence that hides an oblivious self-interest. Often stumbles its way into situations that give it an advantage. Did it really simply happen upon such beneficial reward, or was it planned all along?
Spaghetti Squash – When cooked, its stringy flesh produces spaghetti-like strands. Staunchly conservative to the point where you have to avoid certain topics like healthcare or the war altogether. Has a habit of answering its own questions before you have a chance. Example, “What do you think of this new school chancellor we’ve got? I’ll tell you what I think of him…”
Kabocha Squash – Sweet and slightly nutty. Perfect for soups. Brown-noser. Constantly grubbing for attention from its superiors. Anxious when it goes awhile without adding its yes-man opinion to every conversation. Jumpy.
Delicata Squash – Thin skinned with a distinctly corn-like flavor. Kind of a nothing personality. Boring at parties but fine to have around at work. Nods a lot.
Turban Squash – Oddly shaped with a slight hazelnut flavor. Sees what it wants and goes for it. Sexually aggressive but quick to tire of a lover. Enjoys extreme sports and late-70’s progressive rock.
Calbaza – An ancient squash that served as one of the “three sisters” of pre-Hispanic Mesoamerican cooking. Crotchety. Hard to please and quick to criticize. Has the kind of tough exterior that hides years of pain and hardship. It once had dreams of a life in showbiz, but family responsibilities kept it home, and those dreams withered inside, like a burning match that slowly fizzled out. Farts in its sleep.
Banana Squash – Looks like a big banana. Pretty great. Pret-ty great.
Best Hiding Places
As a service to my many four-year-old readers, I thought I give a helpful list of my favorite hiding places during Hide and Go Seek:
- In the space between the couch and the desk .
- Under the bed.
- Inside a mascot uniform.
- Behind a severely obese man.
- Giggling under a pile of dirty bath towels.
- In a kayak floating downstream.
- Above the fridge.
- Behind the fridge.
- Never inside the fridge!
- Inside a giant, hollowed-out foam boulder.
- In the walk-in humidor.
- In a crowded parade.
- Behind a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lopez.
- Under the hang glider in the garage.
- Inside the grandfather clock. Not the bottom part, that’s too obvious. Up where the gears are.
- In a public radio tote.
- Under the pool table, behind the old Nordic Track machine.
- Inside a friendly robot.
- Suction-cupped to the skylight.
- Inside your fort. (No one'll never guess.)
- Under the dog.
- In the time machine. Being careful not to hit the--
Tips to Avoid the Flu
Influenza season will soon be here. I can tell, because pharmacy ads have turned sinister. How can you avoid becoming a vomiting snot-zombie this winter? By following these helpful tips:
- Wash your hands often with soap. Chinchilla-style dust baths don't count.
- Drink plenty of water or water-like branded sports drinks.
- Avoid shaking hands. Instead, try Eskimo kisses.
- Wear a medical face mask or, if you can afford it, a full Hazmat suit at all times.
- Ask yourself, "What Would Howard Hughes Do?"
- Stay away from crowded places, like your mom's bedroom. BURN!
- Maybe taste isn't the best way to identify mystery liquids on the subway.
- If you see someone who looks sick, hold your breath and cross your fingers as you pass by.
- Boil your nose every night before bed.
- Avoid little germ-incubating toddlers. Including your own.
- Make a voodoo doll of yourself and submerge it in orange juice.
- Get eight to eighteen hours of sleep per night.
- Use antibiotic cleaners. They won't do anything about the flu, but they will create a super resistant strain of staphylococcus, which will help curb overpopulation.
- If you see a suspicious germ, alert a police officer or call 311.
- Have you ever tried a neti pot? Oh my god, it's like an orgasm in your nose.
- Speaking of which, there's this crazy Internet video I'll show you next time you come over to my apartment.
- Laughter is the best fake medicine. Even better than chiropracty.
- Stop being such a pussy, and just get the vaccination shot already.