Peanut Butters
A list of peanut butter brands in order of my favorite to least favorite:
1. Skippy All Natural
2. Jif Crunchy
3. Peter Pan Whipped Creamy
4. Skippy Honey Nut Super Chunk
5. Squirrel Canadian Peanut Butter
6. Goober
7. Dr. McGillicutty’s Wonder Butter
8. Tube ‘O Nuts Extra, Extra Creamy
9. Sun-Pat for Sensitive Teeth (UK only)
10. Crazy Bernie’s Nuttagoo
11. Jif All Natural with Fish Oil
12. Smuckers Supernatural
13. HealthNut Shells Roots ‘n All
14. Sticky’s
15. El Maní Negro (Dominican Rep. only)
16. Presidents Choice “Peanut” Butter Product
17. PeaceNut Butter (proceeds aid marijuana reform)
18. Kathy’s Homemade PB with Black Licorice Bits
19. Unlabeled Aldi Clearance Rack “Peanut Butter?"
20. Glunk Brand Extra Glunky
My Self-Deprecation
Please, if you could, stop agreeing with me when I’m being self-deprecating. I know I started it, and I know you’re just going along for the ride. But, it’s not the most helpful. In fact, it's making me feel bad.
Um, I was just tossing out some self-belittling jokes to show modesty. Point out my own foibles, y'know? But, you guys were pretty quick to concur. And, you expanded on a lot of my ideas. It seems like you had these arguments thought out in advance.
I know that I can be a little self-involved. And, maybe my self-deprecation is a pretense to talk about myself. I understand that some people talk down about themselves in order to collect compliments. I don’t know if that’s what I was going for, but I certainly wasn’t expecting you all jumping in and agreeing so whole-heartedly.
So, if I make a joke about myself, could you hold back, please? Because, these four or five follow-up jokes every time are hitting me kind of hard. I know I was laughing at first. And, it might seem like I was in on it, especially since I made the initial joke. But … I’m … Sorry, I just need to go get something out of my eye. I’m not crying.
I’ll be right back. If the waiter comes, tell him I’d like the special lo mein. Thanks.
Sudoku
This is a video about sudoku, the puzzle sensation that swept the nation. A while back. Now, there are new number-based puzzles trying to sweep the nation. Like karoku or futoshiki. They're pretty late to the game, though, especially since everybody has iPhones by now. We're all busy collecting apps.
Speaking of which, have you gotten the app that checks when bands on your iPod are coming to town? It's great! I tell ya, tomorrow is here today.
The sudoku video was directed by the incomparable Steve Delahoyde and livened up by the equally incomparable Paul Thomas. I mean, when you compare Steve and Paul, it’s hard to tell which is more incomparable. Their incomparability is almost exactly equal.
Labyrinth Storage
C’mon down to Labyrinth Storage, where we’ve got miles of storage around every turn. It’s A-maze-ing! Your first month’s rent is only $2.
Whether you’re storing a whole house or just need a place to stash holiday decorations, Labyrinth Storage fills all your storage needs. Whoa! Did you hear that? Kind of a low, rumbling growl? We should probably get moving. Yeah, just follow that twine back to the front door.
Labyrinth Storage is completely climate and humidity controlled, so no mold or dust. No need for mothballs here. Look out, don’t trip over those human bones. C’mon, keep up. We’ve got to keep moving. Hup hup.
And, secure? Labyrinth Storage is the most secure storage facility in the tri-state area. No thief has ever made it out of our storage facility alive.
We also carry packing supplies. Hand trucks, padlocks, shields, moving blankets, swords, maces—we make your storage as pain-free as possible. Ignore those screams, by the way. That’s just … screams.
Alright, what happened to the twine? Did someone use my twine trail to tie up boxes? Jesus Christ! Which way’s the exit? Hello?! Anybody? Where’s the goddamn exit? We’ve got to get out of here! It’s coming!
Quick, hide in here! Shhh, it’ll hear your breathing ... This one is our standard 4’ by 8’ unit, by the way. It’s good for storing luggage, bikes, bookcases, whatever.
Acceptance Speech
Thank you for that warm applause. And, thank you to Forbes Magazine for this prestigious award. It is an honor to be on this stage with so many amazing entrepreneurs.
Aggregation … wikis … memes … cloudsourcing. Business is no longer about steering the ship; it’s about riding the wave. E-commerce use to be about building a website or a social network. Now, those are simply the seeds of a cross-platform empire. Two years ago, I planted that perfect seed when I created CoolRetardedOrGay.com.
We all realize Web 2.0 or 3.0 or 6.0 are about giving voice to the voiceless. And, I believe in that. I truly believe that only the people can decide if something is cool, retarded, or gay. Not academics or critics. They’ve controlled what’s cool, retarded, or gay for too long. So, I put the decision into the public’s fat, sticky hands.
You see, the trick was--and only someone outside the “establishment” could see this--it was that voting is not a binary system. It’s not always hot or not, Democrat or Republican, perky or MILF-y. Sometimes there’s a third party, and that party is called Retarded.
Let’s say you have a video, and it’s a spoof of a Coen Brothers’ adaptation of Donkey Kong, and you get Jude Law to guest star as Stewie from Family Guy. Now is that cool or gay? Hold on. It’s not up to you. You’re wealthy, powerful entrepreneurs. It’s up to the faceless masses to decide, and they demand more options. They might think it’s retarded.
Or, say you have a t-shirt that portrays Oscar the Grouch as a hobo. To someone keyed into what I will call the “college sensibility,” that would be a cool vote. A grumpy homeless man might vote gay. Everyone has an equal say online. The Internet is the true democracy where any twenty-something male with a high speed connection can make his opinion heard.
And, opinions can change over time. Maybe, that ornery hobo could take “ownership” over the message and wear that shirt in ironic gayness. Maybe, the Donkey Kong video will shift from cool to retarded and back to cool again. Nothing is constant in the cool/retarded/gay continuum. The Information Age is about unpredictable, unnecessary change, but I’m here as proof to Wall Street that you can ride that mindless wave to financial fortune.
Look at CoolRetardedGay Sportswear. CRG Hard Cider. CoolRetardedGay Airlines. Look at CRG’s military support contracts in Afghanistan. Once you open your ears to what the people want, you can start selling it to them. It’s not about telling the public what their basic needs are. It’s about listening to their basest desires.
Thank you for this Forbes NextWave Business Award. As I accept this honor, I want to leave you with one word … Retarded.
Droopy Beauty
Pardon me, Miss. Has anyone ever pointed out that you look like the beautiful version of Droopy Dog? You know who I mean by Droopy Dog? The old cartoon character? You look like the beautiful, feminine, human version of him.
Please, don’t be insulted. I mean it as the highest compliment. You are a gorgeous woman—confident, poised, almost regal. I’m sure men have told you that in the past. But, has anyone mentioned the Droopy Dog thing?
I can’t quite place my finger on what the similarity is. Maybe, it’s your lovely, melancholic eyes. Maybe, it’s your red hair. Maybe, it’s your slight jowliness. Whatever it is, you radiate this Droopy Dog vibe, but in a completely stunning way.
It’s so subtle, I’m sure a lot of people don’t notice the resemblance. Especially since there hasn’t been a new Droopy Dog cartoon in like fifty years. But, c’mon, someone has to have seen Cartoon Network at some point and made the connection. No one has ever told you that you’re a lovely Droopy lookalike? I would even say dazzling.
If you haven’t picked up on my signals, you should know that I am hitting on you. Hard. Can I get your number? Or, I could find you on Facebook? Either way, we should get together some time. I have an erotic Screwy Squirrel costume, if you’re into that kind of thing.
My Fancy House
Welcome to my home!
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[Text of the above audio.]
Well, hello! Welcome to my fancy house. It’s very fancy. Please, join me in the foyer, which is French for “fancy entryway.” Ah, I see you’ve noticed the marble floors. Yes, how very, very fancy. And, what’s this above us? A chandelier? Why, that’s French for “chandelier.”
Ah, and ahead, two spiral staircases both leading to the same place. How very, very fancy! They were built by my contractor, Roy. Roy, say hello to the people.
[Roy] Yeah, um so … Yeah, sure, this guy asked me to build him a real fancy house. And, y’know, he drew this picture on a napkin, and it looked like if a castle had a baby with the Acropolis. I mean, there were columns and a moat. It was kinda weird at first that he wanted everything to be white and marble. And, I told him I don’t make marble roofs, because they don’t—
Ha ha ha! Yes, Roy, that’s very interesting, but you’re blocking their view of the fountain. A fountain indoors? How very fancy! Ah, I see you’ve noticed that the fountain has putti, which is Italian for “tiny naked angels” all peeing on that seahorse. How very, very fancy.
And, what’s behind it? Why, it’s a mural on the wall called trompe l’oeil, which is French for “fool the eye.” It’s a painting, but it looks like a window—a window that looks out onto a Greek seaside. But, we’re not in Greece! We’re in my house! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Not for long, though. Why don’t we take a walk outside and see it from the outside? And, we’re walking together. Walking, walking, walking, walking, ha ha ha ha, walking, walking. And, we’re outside looking at the lawn. And, what’s that over there? Why it’s topiary, which is French for “fancy bushes.” And, look at that. A peacock, which is the fanciest bird. I ordered him from the SkyMall catalogue. He’s made out of cement, but he’s covered with the fanciest glass jewels.
Ah, I see you must be going now. Well, enjoy walking down my very fancy driveway. Take a look at my fancy mailbox. It looks like a lion trying to eat my mail! Ha ha ha ha! How very fancy.
Standard Follow-Up
If my move to the East Coast has taught me one thing, it is the importance of networking. The soul-crushing, all-consuming importance of networking. So, to make things a little easier, I’ve drafted a standardized follow-up email for the day after making a new connection. I’m including it here, in case you want you want to adapt it for yourself:
Dear ( blank ),
It was so nice meeting you last night at the ( event ). I really enjoyed talking with you about ( subject ), and it’s so funny that we both know ( mutual acquaintance ). Isn’t he/she a character? Please, do keep me posted on your ( project ), as I’d love to spread the word about ( project ).
Again, I’d like to apologize for my inappropriate joke. If I had known you were ( religion or ethnicity ), I would never have made light of ( diety or historical figure ). I hope you didn’t take offense.
Also, I’d like to apologize for vomiting on your ( shoes or purse ). I get nervous around new people. I guess it was a bad idea to mix tequila with the ( opiate ) I was taking because of my ( fake dental procedure ). If you would, please send me your dry cleaning bill.
Anyway, it was nice to meet you. If you see ( mutual acquaintance ) before I do, please give her/him my best. Sorry about my joke implying ( diety or historical figure ) had a stinky ( genital ).
See you soon,
Andy Ross
P.S. If you could, please follow my blog. I think you'd really like my post about ( random post that could use more hits ).
If my move to the East Coast has taught me one thing, it is the importance of networking. The soul-crushing, all-consuming importance of networking. So, to make things a little easier, I’ve drafted a standardized follow-up email for the day after making a new connection. I’m including it here, in case you want you want to adapt it for yourself:
Dear ( blank ),
It was so nice meeting you last night at the ( event ). I really enjoyed talking with you about ( subject ), and it’s so funny that we both know ( mutual acquaintance ). Isn’t he/she a character? Please, do keep me posted on your ( project ), as I’d love to spread the word about ( project ).
Again, I’d like to apologize for my inappropriate joke. If I had known you were ( religion or ethnicity ), I would never have made light of ( diety or historical figure ). I hope you didn’t take offense.
Also, I’d like to apologize for vomiting on your ( shoes or purse ). I get nervous around new people. I guess it was a bad idea to mix tequila with the ( opiate ) I was taking because of my ( fake dental procedure ). If you would, please send me your dry cleaning bill.
Anyway, it was nice to meet you. If you see ( mutual acquaintance ) before I do, please give her/him my best. Sorry about calling ( diety or historical figure ) a stinky ( genital ).
See you soon,
Andy Ross
My Tattoos
Every day, people--especially strangers on the subway--ask me what my tattoos mean. Does each one have special significance? Often, I’ll tell them to mind their own goddamn business! But, I like you guys. You guys seem cool. So, here are the meanings behind each of my tattoos:
Tribal Symbol (left shoulder) – This one means I’m a badass. It’s also a reminder of my awesome stay at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas, where I gained a deep, spiritual connection to a Maori stripper named Jessica.
Ace of Spades (right bicep) – The playing card represents what a gamble life can be and also how giddy I get around magic tricks.
Magical Fairy (left calf) – This on means that I lost a bet with Roger about how many hard boiled eggs I could eat in a day.
Cypress Hill Lyrics (left bicep) – I got drunk at Lollapalooza when I was fifteen.
Chinese Dragon (entire back) – The dragon represents renewal or knowledge or something like that. I can’t really get a good look at it in the mirror, so I don’t know. Maybe ancestors?
Horseshoe and Moon (left shoulder blade) – My love for Lucky Charms cereal.
Johnny Cash Portrait (right pectoral) – This tattoo is a reminder that I should buy a Johnny Cash album at some point. Never listened to his music, but I’ve heard it’s pretty okay.
Flaming Skull (center of chest) – This one is really scary. Whenever I have the hiccups, I unbutton my shirt and look down at my chest to scare away my hiccups.
Teardrop (face) – I got this one when I was an extra on HBO’s prison show, Oz. I could have gotten a temporary one drawn on, but I’m pretty method.
Sexy Devil Lady (right forearm) – You know who you are.
Snake Eating a Human Heart (left forearm) – See previous tattoo.
Monster Driving a Hot Rod (right thigh) – This one represents my love for Jesus Christ.
Hula Girl (right abs) – Doesn’t really mean anything. After awhile, the parts of you without tattoos get cold--something about the insulation properties of the ink. Anyway, she dances when I eat.