My Crew’s Dance Battle
My dance crew is having a mad huge dance battle this Saturday in some crunk old warehouse down on Pier 12. You all need to get there, ‘cause it’s set to be sick, yo. Maybe bring with you some cheese or a bottle of wine.
What all was that Reisling we had at your house warming party? That was scary grapefruity. Yo, you gotta bring that Reisling to my crew’s dance battle. They mad love Reisling.
We're up against the Phat Imposturz, and better believe we’re bringing it. Hard. Those punks best start prayin', ‘cause they're 'bout to get schooled.
Speaking of, how’s Dakota’s new Montessori school? I rolled by on my way to yoga, and that school is stupid beautiful, Son. That mural of the Earth and the Moon holding hands? Them shits is mad lovely. Yo, you gotta hit me up on whether or not they do peanut-free for my lil’ thug, Dashiell.
But, yo, you gotta come to my dance battle. It’s gonna be crazy! Everybody’s coming--Sweet Pete, Drrrty Munk, Leslie, Gail, Bernie from accounting, Mrs. Hawthorn, Tight Rydz. Son, I ain't seen Bernie from accounting in a minute! And, remember that little 'hood girl from down in payroll? Ruth Epstein? You know she’s gonna be there!
I tell you, Son, this Hip Hop/Jazz/Tap class at the YMCA is the best thing I’ve done since those pastry lessons back in the day. I can't wait for y'all to check my crew's dance battle/class recital.
Do Not Push This Button!
In case of emergency, please do not press this button. This is not an emergency button. This button is only to be pushed in an ultra emergency. Like a super duper emergency emergency. That’s why it’s labeled “Ultra Super Emergency Emergency Button.”
In case of an ultra super emergency, please, still do not press this button. First, seek out an authority to determine if this is an actual ultra super emergency emergency. You do not have the training or instincts to differentiate between the two.
Don’t believe me? Let me ask you this: When was the last time you got an emergency haircut? Ah ha! See? Gotcha! There is no such thing. Clearly, if you think a haircut can be an emergency, you can’t be trusted to judge an ultra super emergency emergency. Leave that up to the professionals.
So, essentially, never press this button—this tempting, red, waiting-for-it button. Even though it’s obviously meant to be pressed at some point. Even though this ultra super emergency emergency button is just begging to be pressed by someone. Someone like you. Do not press this button.
Do you hear me? You are not to press this button. Period.
Unless, of course, it’s a mega big-time like crazy scary emergency emergency. Then, it’s imperative that you press this button. If that's the case, then you’re our only hope.
Dream Interpretations
Here’s a quick guide to interpreting your dreams. Remember, every person is different. But, in general, the following dreams suggest common thoughts or fears from your waking life.
You are late for a test. This dream usually means that you are feeling under-confident about an upcoming task at work. Or, maybe you feel harshly judged in your social interactions.
You dream your teeth are falling out/breaking. This dream suggests fear of mortality and aging. It may also refer to worries of loss of beauty.
You dream you can fly. This means that you actually can fly if you believe hard enough. Don’t jump off a building or anything, but you can probably fly. Try easing into it by belly flopping into a pool, but at the last second don’t land.
You realize you’re naked during a presentation. This dream means you are allergic to something. Maybe your cat. Or strawberries. It could also mean that you regret buying a DVD player recently now that Blu-rays are coming down in price.
You dream you’re being chased by a stranger. This one means you’re a racist. What, just because he’s wearing a hoodie, you automatically assume he’s black? Have you ever stopped and turned around in this dream? Maybe this guy’s running to catch the train. Racist.
You dream you’re falling. Again, you can fly. This dream’s about how you’re lame for never having tried the belly flop thing.
You dream you’re a movie star. This one means a movie star accidently got his or her dream mixed up with yours. So, somewhere in Hollywood, some millionaire is wondering why he’s dreaming about his cranky boss at the bank.
Your house/apartment is flooding. This is means that you are currently peeing the bed. Wake up, you drunk! You’re peeing the bed!
You dream you can’t find your shoes. You are in love with your dental hygienist.
You dream you are having sex with multiple partners. I’m not sure. This one could mean a lot of things. Please, describe it in greater detail, and be as graphic as possible, because this helps me interpret your dream.
You dream you saw me sneak money out of your wallet when you left the table. Ignore this one. This one’s just a dream.
You dream your company picnic has been infiltrated by Russian spies, and they’re trying to steal the Frisbee, because it has microfiche taped to it with the secrets to the Lost series finale. But, you can’t figure out which people are spies, because everyone is dressed up as teddy bears, because you work at a teddy bear costume factory. This dream means that leftover taco from the back of your fridge was, indeed, spoiled.
You dream you win the lottery. Yeah, keep dreamin’, Buddy.
Let’s Steal A Baby!
Honey, I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now, and I think we’re ready. We’ve been married for three years, and let’s face it; we’re not getting any younger. I think it’s time we steal a baby.
Let’s just do it. Our folks keep bugging us about grandkids, and maybe they’re right. Mike and Danielle, Ryan and Pauline, Ben and Jessica—they’ve all started families. It’s time we bite the bullet, steal a baby, and raise it as our own.
I know you’re worried about money and our careers. I’m only pulling so much in kiting checks, and you’re still getting the hang of rolling old men behind your strip club. But, who said you have to be absolutely 100% prepared before you can bring a child into your lives?
I think we’re in a good place, a place where we’re mature and emotionally ready to walk into a maternity ward and kidnap a cute little bundle of joy. I’ve already thought of a few names. If it’s a boy—Dillinger. If it’s not a boy—Rockstar. Or Lil’ Slugger. That was my grandmother’s name.
Listen, I love you, and I know you would make an incredibly nurturing mother/abductor. Remember the time that balloon of coke popped in my colon? You were so gentle and caring, and you had the maternal instincts to take me to that corrupt vet, Viggo. I’m sure he could recommend a good, corrupt pediatrician.
I don’t care what kind of baby we steal, as long as it had 10 fingers and 10 toes. And, if it comes already in its own car seat, that would be great, because those things are expensive.
What do you say, Honey? Are you ready to steal a baby with me?
I hope it has your nose.
Jump Starting Your Juggling Career
Here are 10 easy steps to take your professional juggling to the next level:
Step 1 First off, you should realize that you are pretty goofy looking. I mean, with that hairstyle, I assume it’s intentional. Just make sure you own it and move on.
Step 2 Master the fundamentals. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a so-called professional who can’t even get five chainsaws in the air. These are the basics, people. Lock ‘em down.
Step 3 Get a good stage name. Something bar mitzvah friendly.
Step 4 Work on your banter. Silence shows you’re struggling with a trick. Fill your onstage routine with uncontroversial topics like Sarah Palin or slavery reparations—stuff that won’t distract from your act.
Step 5 Avoid romantic relationships. The guys making it big in the juggling industry are out there every night, hitting the juggling clubs for stage time. A girlfriend will only slow you down.
Step 6 Find a good manager. There are thousands of showbiz agents chomping at the bit to find the next big juggling act. Look on craigslist. If any ask for your credit card number, that’s just a test to see if you’re cool. Are you cool?
Step 7 Plaid pants. Rainbow suspenders. Never the reverse.
Step 8 Don’t water down your show with non-juggling. Balloon animals are awesome; I’m the first one in line for balloon animals. But, balloon animals won’t get you laid. And, that’s what this is all about, right?
Step 9 Your juggling set should always progress in order of difficulty. For example: balls, clubs, knives, flaming clubs, flaming knives, chainsaws, sedated chickens, newspapers, awake chickens, slinkies, flaming slinkies.
Step 10 Treat every show like it might be your last. Because, you never know. I’ve seen you juggling knives, and you’re not very good.
My Workout Routine
My daily workout routine is pretty standard. I start with a little stretching. A couple toe touches. I limber up with some jogging in place. Then, I rabbit punch the air in order to show the air who’s boss.
After that, I have a small breakfast—usually a few bowls of pasta left over from last night’s carbo-load. Really double load my carbos. Oh, and I’ll slam a raw egg drink, like you see in movies about guys like me. Tough guys.
Then, it’s a jog around Central Park. Sometimes I’ll run with wrist weights or a backpack filled with encyclopedias. But lately, I’ve been picking up piggyback passengers to earn some extra cash. People enjoy a change of pace from pedicabs. I tell ‘em to hold on tight, because we’re really going for it.
I’ll drop my passenger off at the museum or wherever, even though they won’t want to leave. It’s easy to fall in love with a man who runs like a stallion. I tell ‘em, “You can’t climb trees with someone clinging to your back.” (Well, you can, but their faces get all scratched up.)
After the tree climbing, I go for a swim. I can’t really swim, so I just flail about like I’m drowning for an hour. It burns more calories than swimming anyway. So does the screaming.
Finally, I lift some weights. This I do Strongman Competition style. Beer kegs, cannonballs, telephone pole—manly stuff, in case you missed the Freudian symbolism. If I can’t find cannonballs around, I’ll pull a semi trailer with my teeth. Manly style.
Then, it’s five bowls of pasta, a few dozen raw eggs, and off to bed for my 16 hours of sleep. What can I say? It’s pretty standard stuff. I thought about adding a spinning class, but I hear those are pretty tough.
Your Resume
Alright, let’s take a look at your resume. Uh huh. Okay, not very impressive. Three jobs in six months isn’t a good sign. And, typing ten words per minute. That’s not something you want to point out unless asked directly.
Now, here under “Education,” you’ve misspelled the word “school,” which wouldn’t be so bad if it were a typo. But “skool”—that’s how a child would write it. And, over here, see? You’ve crossed stuff out and written in pencil. Maybe consider printing out a new resume. Also, fewer profanities.
Under “Computer Skills,” you wrote down “Facebook.” It might be better to say “social networking,” because this makes me think you’d spend your whole workday on Facebook. That’s just a hunch.
Normally, a resume this inept would go straight into my trash. However, it was so bad, I felt I should bring you in to give you advice. Now, I can see that you are an incredibly handsome man. Very, very attractive.
You should know I am not gay, but something about how your eyes crinkle when you smile makes me want you around all the time. Also, your firm handshake made me feel like a man’s man.
So, you're hired! Congratulations.
The assistant position requires competence, so I can’t give you that job. But, we had a VP position open up. I’ll put you there. It’s a bigger salary and has subordinates to do the work, anyway. Do you kayak? You seem outdoorsy. I’d love to come along next time you hike or kayak. Nothing gay or anything … My god, you’re tall.
The position starts next week, but you can swing by earlier if you want. I’m free for lunch any day this week. I’ll tell you which secretaries I have crushes on, and maybe you could woo them for me. Is that weird? I’ll call you to set things up. I’ve got your number from where you scribbled it on your resume.
Peanut Butters
A list of peanut butter brands in order of my favorite to least favorite:
1. Skippy All Natural
2. Jif Crunchy
3. Peter Pan Whipped Creamy
4. Skippy Honey Nut Super Chunk
5. Squirrel Canadian Peanut Butter
6. Goober
7. Dr. McGillicutty’s Wonder Butter
8. Tube ‘O Nuts Extra, Extra Creamy
9. Sun-Pat for Sensitive Teeth (UK only)
10. Crazy Bernie’s Nuttagoo
11. Jif All Natural with Fish Oil
12. Smuckers Supernatural
13. HealthNut Shells Roots ‘n All
14. Sticky’s
15. El Maní Negro (Dominican Rep. only)
16. Presidents Choice “Peanut” Butter Product
17. PeaceNut Butter (proceeds aid marijuana reform)
18. Kathy’s Homemade PB with Black Licorice Bits
19. Unlabeled Aldi Clearance Rack “Peanut Butter?"
20. Glunk Brand Extra Glunky