Our Bodies
Our bodies are amazing things, don't you think? We're each made up of thousands of intricate individual mechanisms that all add up to a whole. A person. A self.
Our eyes bring in light and information. Our hands reshape the world. Our mouths get us into bar fights with Republicans.
Our ears capture the sound of distant screaming. Our noses detect garbage water. Our nice hair and above-average height gets us higher paying jobs. Our breasts fill the Internet.
Every part of the human body works in unison. Resilient and adaptive, we grow and re-grow, survive and procreate.
Our hearts pump cholesterol. Our lungs pull in marijuana smoke. Our tongues taste rice pudding and cinnamon pita chips, which are bonkers tasty together. Especially after smoking up.
Our bellybuttons find and collect our loose lint. Our armpits tell us when it's hot out. Our gall bladders do whatever gall bladders do. Our feet and vaginas also fill the Internet.
Our legs twitch restlessly. Our arms carry our bratty children. Our pinky toenails are kinda small and gross. Our nipple hairs keep us warm.
Without our bodies, what would we be? Floating waves of nothingness? Bags of primordial ooze? Whatever it is, it would be some crazy shit. Oh my god, these pita chips and rice pudding are amazing! I can't stop eating … Whoa, my hands are so weird right now.
My Vices
So, I recently joined a cult. (They don't like it when I call it a "cult." but I figure life's too short to nitpick, y'know?) And, part of my indoctrination is that I'm supposed to list off all my vices in order to overcome them.
I don't know, it seems kinda silly. Or, worse, they could be fishing for blackmail material. But, the robes are so comfy, and I have my eye on a few cute cult ladies for the group marriage. One of them is named Blueberry Rainbow, and she said overcoming your vices is sexy. Then, she touched my upper arm. So, here we go; these are my vices:
1) I care too much.
2) I might be a little addicted to my Google Reader. Maybe.
3) Occasionally, I drink to just past moderation.
4) I'll eat red meat if no chicken or fish is available.
5) I talk about people behind their backs. All positive compliments, but that's still ethically shaky.
6) Once, I downloaded an album illegally to see if I liked it before I bought it.
7) I don't always shower before noon on weekends.
8) I shit in library books and then return them.
9) I chew sugary gum.
10) I've told my wife I enjoyed her tomato bisque even though I didn't quite care for it.
11) My eye sometimes lingers on Victoria's Secret commercials.
12) I regularly kill and hide the bodies of hitchhikers.
13) I'm somewhat superstitious when it comes to athletic matches.
14) It took me two days to redeliver my neighbor's cable bill when it was accidentally placed in my mailbox.
That's it. Those are my vices. I'm a little embarrassed to put the sugary gum thing out there, since it's a big taboo. But, if there's one thing I tell the hitchhikers I torture and eat, it's that honesty is a virtue.
Hawaiian Words
A lot of people know that the Hawaiian word "aloha" has two meanings. But, did you know that every word in Hawaiian has two, sometimes contradictory meanings? Here's a helpful starter list of Hawaiian words:
Aloha - means both "hello" and "goodbye."
Mahalo - means both "thank you" and "tomorrow's the day I start my low carb diet."
Ohana - means both "family" and "the act of looking at a Q-tip after you use it."
Hale - means both "house" and "a random, desperate question meant to steer the conversation away from listening to the other person complain about work."
Mana - means both "spiritual power" and "finding that a dollar bill has gone through the wash and now looks like the fetus version of a dollar bill."
Hula - means both "a dance" and "a light switch that doesn't seem to be connected to a light. Maybe one of the outlets behind the couch used to be for a side table lamp? Am I supposed to try every outlet and then turn this switch on and off? It's not worth it."
Pupu - means both “appetizers” and “holding back a culturally offensive snicker.”
Keiki - means both "a child" and "the ways local newscasters smile in promotional pictures that makes them look dead inside."
Lanai - means both “a patio or balcony” and “the jealousy non-smokers feel towards smokers who are allowed smoke breaks.”
Ono – means both “tasty” and “a large type of mackerel.” It can also mean “the act of getting your groove back.”
Kai - means both “the sea” and “the rise in e-book sales compared to traditional paperbound book sales.”
Mauka - means both “toward the mountains” and “a person wearing multiple pieces of Burberry plaid, which still happens even though that was a trend from what, seven years ago? Eight?”
Wahini - means “a woman” and “tea which is neither hot tea nor iced tea but somewhere in between. Tea which is lost and unsure of itself. Tea which has no place to call its own in our society.”
Haole - means both “a Caucasian person” and “someone who makes you roll your eyes.”
Blowing Raspberries
I've said it before, and I'll say it again; there is nothing gay about two men hanging out and giving each other raspberries on their bellies.
It's just two dudes, being dudes. And, if they wanna place their mouths on each other's tummies and blow, how is that gay? That's just guys doing what guys do.
It's like watching football or playing poker. It's guy stuff. Men need a space to be men, unapologetically. You wouldn't understand unless you're a real manly guy like me. A guy who enjoys man-on-man zerberts.
Listen, I do not mean in any way to imply that homosexuality is wrong or shameful. And, when I say zerberts between two men isn't gay, it's not at all about homophobic fear or shame. I have many gay friends, a few of whom I count as my favorite people. (Hi, Nick & Adam!) I'm just saying that on the spectrum of sexual identities, a guy blowing raspberries on the exposed belly of the other isn't gay. Nor vice versa.
What on Earth could be gay about best friends lying down in the 69 position, nose-to-bellybutton, making funny fart sounds with their mouths on their stomachs? Is it the giggling and squirming you think is gay? Well, I have something to tell you, Mr. Homophobe, straight men giggle and squirm around, too. Especially when there's a beard brushing against their love handles.
I know for a fact it isn't gay, because I was taught this game by my Mormon college roommate, Terrance. And, Terrance didn't become gay until after he divorced his wife last year. So there. Shows what you know.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go blow zerberts into my new heterosexual friend Tom's belly. We met in a rest stop bathroom off of I-95, and we couldn't be straighter.
Good day, sir. I said, good day.
Riding Instructions
Hello, folks, welcome to Smiling Sunrise Ranch. I'm your trail guide, Pete. Y'all signed up for the two hour horseback ride? Great. Before you get on your horses, I have a few instructions.
First off, you should have signed a waiver absolving Smiling Sunrise Ranch of any responsibility for any injuries you might sustain on this ride. Our horses are trained, but riding horses is never a 100% safe activity.
Any first-time riders here? Wow, that's a lot of hands. Well, don't worry. You should be okay as long as the horses don't get spooked.
I see some of you are wearing rain ponchos. I ask that you not take those off during the ride, as that might spook the horses. We've got some high winds today, which could bring down a branch or two. If that happens, it might spook the horses. Also, we've got snakes in these hills. That'll spook the horses.
Please take of your sunglasses, since glare from sunglasses will spook the horses. Also baseball caps tend to spook the horses. If any of you ladies are wearing perfume, that might spook the horses.
There's a real spooky cactus down in the gorge. It looks like an old witch carrying a VCR. That'll spook the horses. The horses can also get spooked by a cloud or the lack of clouds.
Coughing will spook the horses. If the rider is thinking about mice or gerbils, that'll spook the horses. Um ... if any of you are closet organizers for a living, that'll spook the horses. Sitting too high in the saddle will spook the horses. Or too low.
One of the horses is named Vladimir. His name tends to spook him. Another one is named Spooky.
What else? Oscar race rumors will spook the horses. Sand sometimes spooks the horses. If your horse hiccups and burps at the same time, that'll definitely spook the horses. Mustaches, sideburns, goatees--those all spook the horses.
Finally, try not to be nervous or scared. That'll for sure spook the horses. And, then you'll probably get thrown and die of a broken neck.
Alright, let's head out. Yeehaw!
Your Apology
You're saying I have to actually accept your apology? I've never accepted an apology before. I wouldn't know where to start.
Isn't it enough that I acknowledge your apology? See, that's how I normally do things. You apologize; I nod and say "uh huh"; then, I explain exactly what you did wrong back to you. That way you know that I recognize your many faults, and we can move forward.
Well, I guess we can't really move forward, because I refuse to stop seething. I just keep looping through all the things you've done wrong, which implies that I still have a problem with you. Which I do. That's the whole point.
If I accept your apology, that ends it right there. Clean slate. Tabula rasa. It means I can never again passive-aggressively bring up your misdeed. What's the point in that? It's as if you don't want me holding petty grudges. Wha?
If I accept your apology, there would be no snowballing of emotional baggage. [Shut up, I know it's a mixed metaphor. Give me a break. Don't point out my mixed metaphors again, unless you want an earful about the time you ate the last donut. I'm still mad about that.]
Listen, what I'm saying is this: You apologized. That's on you. If you crave forgiveness so bad, maybe you shouldn't do anything wrong in the first place.
Now, get off your knees and stop crying. You're making me feel empathy for your mistakes. I hate that.
Probably Not Danny Aiello
Five reasons why this guy in front of me at the grocery store probably isn't actor Danny Aiello:
1) I don't think Danny Aiello would be at a grocery store in Sioux City, Iowa.
2) Even if he was in Iowa and in the grocery store, I don't think he'd be buying generic Cheerios. He can probably afford real Cheerios.
3) This guy is wearing hoop earrings. Danny Aiello probably wears one earring, yes. But, if he does, it's most likely a diamond stud. That's just a guess, but he seems like the kind of older guy who wears a diamond stud. [Quick aside: Isn't it crazy when you see an interview with Harrison Ford, and he has a diamond stud earring? It's crazy, right? I mean, that guy is Hans Solo. An earring on him seems so out of place and mid-life crisis-y. Maybe it's just me, but it always catches me off guard.]
4) This person sounds nothing like Danny Aiello. The timbre of his voice is much higher, and there isn't any New York accent. Also, I think I heard an "okey dokey," which I firmly believe Danny Aiello would never say.
5) It's a woman. She just turned, and I could finally make out that it's a woman. Boy, that is very unfortunate--both for her and, I guess, for Danny Aiello--that I would make that mistake. Wow, I would never have guessed that that was a woman. Yikes. I wonder if people have mistaken her for Danny Aiello before. I wouldn't be surprised.
Ice Cream Novelties
A list of frozen novelties in order of my favorite to least favorite:
Chipwich
Hawaiian Shaved Ice
Frozen Snickers bar
Cherry Popsicle
Non-Cherry Popsicle
"Real Fruit" Popsicle
"Real Vegetable" Popsicle
"Real Fish" Popsicle
Uncooked Frozen Lasagna
Freezer-Burned Mango Mochi
Single Ice Cube
Chocolate-Covered Frozen Banana [Very intimidating.]
Ice Cream Club Sandwich
Winter Flagpole
Unintentionally Frozen Yogurt
Mice Cream Sandwich
Snow Cylinder
Bag of Frozen Black Pepper
Massage
Hmm, I wonder if I should tell this masseuse that I’m deathly allergic to lavender? Nah, I bet it’ll be alright.
I mean, he’s a professional, and I’m sure he knows best. If he wanted to learn if I had any allergies, he would've asked. Well, I guess he did ask and I said no. But, a professional would have understood I was just being polite, right?
He’s probably not using lavender anyway. It’s probably shea butter. Shea butter would make sense. Although, my back is starting to get hot and itchy. There might be lavender in the massage oil. Can I be sure of that, though? My wheezing suggests yes.
Maybe it’s just a different massage technique. Maybe he’s only using a little lavender to shock my system into relaxation. Who am I to jump in and tell this guy how to do his job? He’s been giving massages for years. Meanwhile, I’ve only spent the last few minutes receiving my excruciating massage.
Sometimes I wish I weren’t so Midwestern. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? I could speak up about my lavender allergy and he might take me to the ER before I die? Oh, but that would probably put him out. He must have other massage appointments later. I don’t want him to lose any future business. And, he might feel guilty about using lavender in the first place. That settles it; I won’t say anything.
…
I should say something. I think my motor functions are shutting down.
How do I approach it? Maybe something like, “Hey, funny story. Remember when you asked if I had allergies and I said no? Well, I just automatically say no when I think that’s what people want to hear.” Nah, that sounds too pushy.
Maybe I could ask for a break, and I could quietly sneak out and drive myself to the hospital. That is, if I can keep my eyes from swelling shut. Would my masseuse be offended if I snuck out halfway through a massage? Probably. I’d better not risk it.
I have an idea. Maybe I can text Colleen, and she could call the spa and tell them that I’m allergic to lavender. Then someone at the desk would come back and tell the masseuse. I wonder if all that could happen in the next minute or so. Because, I’m feeling a little woozy. No wait, now I remember seeing a “no cellphones” sign in the lobby. I’d better not text.
You know what? Let’s just ride it out and see where this goes.
…
Hey, what’s that tunnel of light up ahead? Hi, Grandpa Ross. Long time no see.
Travel Trips
Face it, winter is horrible, and it’s turning you into a grump-ass jerk. You should take a break and go somewhere nice and warm. For all of our sakes.
When you do, please follow these helpful tips for traveling:
- When traveling, wear clothes that make you feel like an adult human. Are you seriously wearing pajama pants and UGGs to the airport? Are you fucking serious right now?
- Be careful choosing a hotel. The ones spelled “hostel” are filled with vomiting Australian youths.
- If you get a deal on a vacation package that sounds too good to be true, prepare yourself for the possibility—the slightest possibility—that you’re about to be kidnapped and hunted for sport.
- Tip the bellhop one dollar for every bag or two dollars for every crate filled with live tigers.
- For overseas travel, buy a translation dictionary with common phrases you can wildly jab at once you give up trying to pronounce things.
- Did you double-check that the oven was off? Shoot, I should have asked that one first before you left. I hope that doesn’t make you obsessively nervous.
- Just because you’re on vacation it doesn’t mean you have to eat ice cream for every meal. At least, that’s some weird joke my wife keeps trying to tell me. I don’t get it.
- For security, hide a rolled up hundred dollar bill inside your shockingly deep bellybutton.
- The only cure for jet lag is to kill the jet that bit you.
- Remember the try the local cuisine. Maybe the McNuggets in Thailand are different that the ones where you live.
- Take a book. Beaches are a great place for reading while squinting.
- I heard from my friend Janice who heard from Elliot P who heard from his cousin that you can get pregnant from sitting in a hotel hot tub. For reals.
- Remember to take that rolled up hundred out of you bellybutton before it starts to smell like bellybutton.
- Unless you use every towel in the hotel bathroom, you lose.
- Souvenir t-shirts make great dusting rags after two years of never wearing them.
- If you use the phrase “whatever happens in blank stays in blank,” people will know that nothing interesting happened to you.