Outlet Mall Restaurants
A list of outlet mall restaurants:
[Originally published in tweet form February 2011]
Green Lobster
T.G.I.Monday’s
Crabapplebees
Chilly’s
The Cottagecheesecake Factory
The Pimento Garden
Cinnabutts
Sparrow Pizza
Windy’s
Cracker Bucket
Kansas Filleted Chicken
Rudfuckers
Reddish-Orange Julius
.
Plus, my favorite submissions from readers:
Cabybara Express . . . . from @sweaternine
Burger Duke . . . . from @nickleggin
Steakback Outhouse . . . . from @pixies1
Tooters . . . . from @chucko78
National House of Pancakes . . . . from @benryerson
California Soup Kitchen . . . . from @jennassembly
My Senses
For a couple of months in 1989, I lost my sense of smell in a freak tongue-in-a-light-socket accident. It eventually came back, but during that time, the rest of my senses became heightened. And, not just the standard senses. I began to perceive extra-sensory sense perceptions.
Here's list of my current senses:
1st Sense: Sight
2nd Sense: Hearing
3rd Sense: Smell
4th Sense: Taste
5th Sense: Touch
6th Sense: Impending doom
7th Sense: I can sense whether or not I've eaten mayonnaise in the last 24 hours.
8th Sense: Superhuman Rhythm
9th Sense: Nipslips occurring within a one-mile radius
10th Sense: Magnetic North
11th Sense: Milk Age/Quality
12th Sense: I can feel other people’s embarrassment. Especially if they can’t. (I’m looking at you, Gwyneth.)
13th Sense: Fashion [snap]
14th Sense: Spidey Sense. (ie. I can sense if spiders are crawling into my mouth while I sleep.)
15th Sense: Bargains on Towels
16th Sense: The mass of people sitting next to me on busses
17th Sense: When Prince songs are about to play
18th Sense: I think my allergy to lavender counts as a sense, in that I can always tell if lavender is around, because my throat closes up.
19th Sense: UV-Light (By the way, your bedspread is filthy.)
So, yeah, those are my extra, extra-sensory senses.
I tried to get onto the freak show circuit with a few of them, but I burned too many bridges with my diva-like demands. I don’t understand how painting my Reese’s Pieces to look like M&Ms is too much to ask for.
Although, it might have been that I kept misidentifying my boss as “the bearded lady,” when she was in fact just “the lady.” Meh.
One-Year Anniversary!
Heeeeyy! It's the one-year anniversary of me starting this blog! Hey, look at that, you guys ... Heeeeyy!
When I first started this project, the point was to write something funny every single day. Not just tweets or jokes, but something substantial and unique like a Shouts & Murmurs-style essay or a funny list or a video or a comic. And, I've done just that every day since.
[Well, after a while, I remembered I had a wife, and I started taking off Saturdays. Then, I took time off for the two holiest of holidays---Christmas and Monroe Wisconsin's Cheese Days Festival. But, other than that...]
This year hasn't simply been about writing a blog and starting a storytelling show and getting a new job and moving. [Oh my god, I'm so tired.] I've also had a series of everyday adventures. It's been a pretty big year for ol' Andy "Rad Tad" Ross.
Here's a list of things I've done/accomplished over the past year of writing this blog:
- I learned two chords on Colleen's ukulele. I also invented a third, extremely dissonant chord that might not technically be a chord but has promise.
- I gained twenty pounds for a movie role. Alright, home video role.
- I saw a really awesome dog on 8th Street and the park.
- Through careful Googling, I've gained a shaky understanding of awhile vs. a while.
- I legally changed my name to Commodore Baby Boy Ross. For tax purposes.
- I had a conversation with a stranger without nervously vomiting on his/her shoes.
- I learned how to ice skate, finally justifying this sequined leotard.
- I masturbated my way out of a clinical depression.
- I fell asleep at the opera twice, nearly doubling last year's record.
- I stopped drinking soda. Except when thirsty.
- I perfected my impression of Patrick Stewart's impression of Dana Carvey's impression of George Bush. It's pretty great.
- I briefly ran out of Thai spicy ketchup.
- I traded places with my royal doppelganger but found his clothes too itchy around the neck.
- I finally switched beard conditioners, which was terrifying.
- I mated a camel with a llama.
- I'm sorry, that last one should read "mated with a camel and a llama."
- I wore every one of my socks.
- I remained the Greatest Wedding Dancer Alive.
It's been a pretty big year, you guys. Thank you for reading the blog. It continues to be a lot of fun.
Let’s make this next year the Year of the Share Button. Whad’ya say?
Hangover Cure
Listen, I don't have a drinking problem. When I stop drinking, though, that's the problem. Ha cha cha chaaa. Am I right, folks?
Folks, am I right? ... Folks?
There are only two cures for a hangover like the one I'm feeling today. One is to invent a time machine, go back to Thursday, and not buy that first Ziploc bag full of rum. Despite what you might think, a bendy straw is no guarantee of quality alcohol.
The second, somewhat more practical cure is my grandfather’s sure-fire hangover-busting concoction, The Double Phoenix™. It is as follows:
1) Mix equal parts Gatorade and pickle juice in an empty cardboard milk container. I can’t give you and exact measurement for each, but when you jostle the container, it should make a dunk dunk sound, not a swish.
2) Add two shots of vodka that’s been passed through a Brita filter and blessed by a Greek Orthodox priest.
3) Allow to sit for 10 minutes. Take this time to shiver and throw up in the bathtub.
4) In a blender, mix the following separate from the pickle juice mixture:
- One glass of low acid, high pulp orange juice
- Eight strawberries with the seeds removed (may take time)
- Celery
- One banana so overripe that it smells a little like kitty litter
- Five shakes of the green Tobasco, like the kind they have at Chipotle. Do they sell that in grocery stores? I always just steal it.
5) Wow, there have been a lot of brand names so far. I swear, this isn’t product placement on the blog. My grandfather was simply very brand loyal.
6) Pour each separate mixture into two Bell jars and place the jars two inches apart on the table.
7) Place an old-timey clothes pin over your nose and take a moment to collect your thoughts.
8) While staring at an 8 x 10 photo of Charles in Charge-era Scott Baio, slam the pickle juice, Gatorader, blessed vodka mixture. Wince.
9) Now, drink the orange juice blend. It does not mix well with the pickle juice. If you can’t bring yourself to do this step, have a friend or wife bury you up to your neck in moist river sand. Then they’ll have to force the orange juice/ Tobasco down the back of your throat using a turkey baster.
10) Take a 14-hour nap.
11) Repeat until recovered.
So, that’s it. The first time, it seems like a lot of work for a simple hangover. But, after about a few weeks of everyday practice, you begin to enjoy it. Especially the river sand part, which can feel all squishy and cool up under your gooch. Very soothing.
Well, good luck and God speed.
Surprise Party
The high points of this surprise birthday party (so far):
- When everyone jumped out from behind the couch and yelled surprise.
- The streamers.
- The cake.
- The piñata.
- When Will did his impression of Beth, and she was standing right behind him mocking his impression of her, and he didn't even know she was there. He didn’t even know.
- Three separate Prince songs on the playlist.
- The subtle Michael J. Fox theme. Super well-played, guys. I even got the Bright Lights Big City reference.
- Colleen playing her ukulele.
- The presents. Especially the nudie playing cards. I can't believe you remembered my story about my uncle having those in his den. I love 'em.
The low points:
- It’s not actually my birthday.
I’m not really sure why you guys chose the wrong day and month for my birthday party. I don’t mean to complain. I mean, all the high points were great. But, all in all, I'd say the party kinda evens out to neutral.
Anyway, thanks a lot. Here's hoping for better luck next year.
IMDB Profile
After a thorough Googling of myself, I realized that my IMDB profile has been deleted. I can't imagine what happened. How are people supposed to learn about my many high quality films? Just rent random DVDs hoping to spot me?
I've notified IMDB of the error, but while they work it out, I thought my fans (and casting directors) should have a resource list of my greatest performances:
Disney’s Duck Juice (1987)
. . . . . . . . Rambunctious Child #2
The Goodyear Chimp (1989)
. . . . . . . . Chip Stuckley
The New Adventures of Tarzan Jr. Private Eye (TV series - 1992)
. . . . . . . . Sean “The Dink” Wilson
Episodes:
- Tarzan Jr. and the Jade Centipede
- The Dink Goes to Washington
- My Left Flute
- Kenya Dig It?
- The Dink’s Done It Again
Out of the Frying Pan: The True Story of Louis Teflon (1994)
. . . . . . . . Marcus Teflon / Aaron Teflon (twins)
Real Cowboys Don’t Dance (1995)
. . . . . . . . Awkward Teen with Acne
The Supernormals (2001)
. . . . . . . . Wolfie
Leave It on the Field (2002)
. . . . . . . . Brian “Tuck” Tuckerson
The Gridiron (2004)
. . . . . . . . Eddy “Dizz” Dizzerton
Fourth and Down (2004)
. . . . . . . . Petey “Snap” Snapperferd
Diary of a Hopeless Romantic Dreamer (2006)
. . . . . . . . Young Brent
Murder of a Parade Marshall (2006)
. . . . . . . . Chad “Rip” Ripperton
Sputterings (2008)
. . . . . . . . Doctor Tomlin
W.O.R.M.Z.! (TV movie - 2009)
. . . . . . . . Lieutenant Chuck Dastert
Lost and Unfound (2010)
. . . . . . . . Father McGinty
Blueberry Road (pre-production 2012)
. . . . . . . . Monstro the Usurper
The Magnificent Ambersons (remake) (pre-production 2014)
. . . . . . . . Eugene “Morgy” Morgan
And many more to come. Fingers crossed.
Levels of My Attention
Sometimes (read: often) I get distracted by my own thoughts or outside stimuli. I don’t mean to; I just do. That means that if I’m talking to you, you might not have my full attention. I apologize in advance.
It would probably be helpful to the both of us if you could gauge how much of my concentration you’ve got beforehand. So, here are the levels of my attention from greatest to least:
(Most Attentive)
1. We are in a room together / The TV is off.
2. We are in a room together / The TV is on.
3. We are in a room together / I have said something embarrassing to a stranger earlier / I am obsessing over it.
4. We are in a room together / I’m searching Facebook to see if that person has posted something about me embarrassing myself.
5. We are in a bar / I’ve had two drinks to calm down.
6. We are in a bar / I’ve had three drinks and am now drunk.
7. We are in a bar / I have said something embarrassing to the bartender (three drinks, remember).
8. We are on the phone after the bar / I am staring at a wall.
9. We are on the phone / I am microwaving nachos.
10. We are on the phone / I am eating nachos / A wolverine is attacking me.
11. A wolverine is attacking me and the TV is on.
12. I am exhausted from a wolverine attack.
13. I realize my nachos are gone / I am hungry.
14. I am obsessing over having said something embarrassing to the wolverine / Do you think it heard me call it a badger? / Was it offended?
15. The wolverine has not yet accepted my Facebook friend request where I apologized for calling it a badger / The TV is on / I am hungry.
(Least Attentive)
Writer’s Block Tips
Having trouble writing something? Don’t know where to start? Or, maybe you’ve started, but you don’t know where to go from there. Writer's block came feel impossible to overcome. Whatever your problem is, these helpful tips are here to help.
A few suggestions for getting over writer’s block:
1) Um…
2) Huh… I guess…
3) [Something about making something.]
4) I, uh, I don’t…
5) Oh, thank god! Short Circuit is available on Netflix Streaming.
Blog FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: How long have you been writing this blog?
A: How long is the wind? How high is hope? This is a stupid question. Next.
(Whoops, I misread that last question. I started this blog in February of 2010.)
Q: Are you a real person with real human feelings?
A: A mitigated yes.
Q: Is the blog all you do?
A: No. During the day, I design book covers for books that need covering. Also, I spend a good part of my day doubting myself. That takes up time.
Q: Where do you come up with your ideas?
A: Your mom. BURN!!!
Q: What's your favorite brand of beard conditioner?
A: Dr. McKittrick's Lamb Placenta Beard Conditioner. (Imported from New Zealand.)
Q: Do you ever have guest bloggers?
A: Someone offered, but I didn't trust him to do a mediocre job, which would have made me look better by comparison. He would have been too funny.
Q: Have you called your grandmother?
A: Yes, mom, I called her on Sunday.
Q: Who are your inspirations?
A: Jack Handey, Steve Martin, P.G. Wodehouse, Stephen Colbert, Tina Fey, Paul Feig, an obese cat on YouTube that guards socks.
Q: Which is your favorite blog post?
A: I couldn't choose. That'd be like asking me who my second-favorite child is after Jessica.
Q: What's the point of all this?
A: If you're asking about the blog, it's to keep my writing sharp so as to eventually get hired to write professionally. If you're asking about life in general and maybe you're crying while you ask it, stay on the line. I'm here to help.
Q: Has anyone ever asked a real question about this blog?
A: Ever? I think so. Sure, probably. Probably? Maybe. Ever? Can you be more specific?
Q: How many people read your blog every day?
A: Well, according to Google Analytics, it varies between hundreds and one random person in Pittsburgh. Hi, reader in Pittsburgh! I know you're there. Hope that's not creepy.
Q: What's the best pizza in New York?
A: A little place without a sign just south of Kim's Video on 1st Avenue.
Q: Have you ever thought about marketing your blog so that more than just your Facebook friends read it?
A: Stop yelling at me! [takes nap]
Q: Any final thoughts?
A: [groggy from nap] I need to figure out how to get a writing job.
“Facts,” Let’s Say
The following is a list of Friday Fun Facts. (Are things still called facts when they're not true, per se? I was going to call this post Tuesday Trivia, but I didn't want to wait until Tuesday. It's a tough one, because "trivia" is so much less of a weighted term than "facts." Ooh, look at me; I'm a fact; I'm true. Shut up, facts!)
Anyway, this is all stuff. Stuff and/or things:
- In China, Chinese lanterns are called "French lanterns," and in France they're called "slammin' banana lanterns."
- 25% of Americans cannot find celebrities' homes on a map.
- Capers are disgusting. Fact.
- Honey bees see black light posters as completely normal posters.
- Gorillas who go prematurely gray-backed overcompensate by driving around in little gorilla cars made out of banana leaves. ("Drive" is a misnomer; they just sit there in a pile of leaves and grunt. Wouldn't it be cute if they drove, though? And wore suspenders?)
- The movie Like Water For Chocolate was based on an off-off-Broadway play called Like Lightbulbs For Slammin' Banana Lanterns.
- Lincoln's niece, Kennedy Johnson, drove a Ford. Kennedy's nephew, Lincoln F. Polk, drove a Nixon.
- Captain Cook is famous for having discovered crunchberries.
- Entertainment Weekly is the only magazine written exclusively by people who masturbate to the Twilight movies.
- In rural Appalachia, some people go their entire lives without using the word "iconography."
- In Russia, condoms are called "French saddles." In France, condoms are called "soccer."
- The most humane way to kill a lobster is by informing it that its son is gay in front of the entire book club.
- Richard Burton got his start playing a character named Goofer St. Wank in the 1942 teen sex comedy The Randy Misfits of Barnaby Street.
- Gnomes and trolls are mortal enemies, but they'll sometimes hang out together when drunk and complain about fairies.
- Peru has the largest population of people with ugly ears.
- The term Face Monster has now been translated into over 400 languages and has a development deal with CBS.
- Babies are born with an extra set of kneecaps that fall off at two weeks.
- What's available on Netflix Streaming makes up 85-90% of my daily conversations.
See more made-up facts here and here.