My Handsomeness
Wait, am I going to keep getting handsomer and handsomer? Really? That doesn't seem right. Yet, every morning in the mirror, there's the proof staring back at my handsome face.
My laugh lines are getting laughier. And, my chiseled jawline has become more chiseled. I swear my smile twinkles with even more rakish charm than just last week. It has to level out at some point. Right? I mean … right?
Yet, I can't see any signs of my handsomeness slowing down. Here, look at this chart:
See? There's a definite upturn in the last few years.
What happens if I never stop getting handsomer? At some point, my handsomeness might reach dangerous levels. Will these piercing blue eyes become too piercing? My lips too kissable? Will my nose become too noble, too regal? I worry … But, darn it, even these worried wrinkles make me look more pensively attractive!
Damn you, Fate, for making me your culminating masterpiece! DAMN YOU!!! The burden is too much to bear, even on these naturally broad shoulders—shoulders at once both masculine and comforting.
I’ve tried to slow the process of handsome-ifying. I changed my facial moisturizing regimen to every other day. I’ve bought store brand beard conditioner. I’ve allowed people to see me wearing my reading glasses. Nothing seems to work. The only thing that’s happened is that my handsomeness has morphed into rugged handsomeness.
Sigh.
I’m sorry. It seems there’s nothing I can do to stave off the inevitable. If you see me walking down the street, please avert you eyes. I don’t need your pity. Nor your wolf whistles.
A Murderer Sits Amongst You
Someone at this table is not who they say they are. Indeed, someone here is a murderer.
Is it the young ingénue? Did she tire of the attention from her adoring public? Did she long for a thrill greater than the glare of the footlights? Could it be she who planted the blood-stained gloves in the grandfather clock?
Or, was it the gardener? He had access to the library where the victim was found strangled. Just hours before, he was heard arguing with Lord Whimple about the size of begonias. Was that enough to incite murder?
Or, could it be the escaped lunatic, on the loose from the nearby mental institution? He had the motive of already being a serial murderer. After the crime, he was found outside the library wearing the earl’s cracked glasses. What did he stand to gain, besides sating his unending bloodlust?
Could it have been the handsome tennis pro? Rumor has it, he had been seen spooning young Honoria, the earl’s sole heir. Did he plan to hasten her inheritance? Or, could the tennis pro have gotten a taste for blood when the escaped lunatic stabbed him in the leg with a serving fork?
What about Lady Whimple? She’d often argued with the earl over his refusal hire a new cook. Also, she had killed and eaten all of the family pets. No wait, that was the escaped lunatic who did that. Sorry, my notes are a shambles.
Could the murderer be Rupert Pepper, the earl’s personal secretary? He certainly knew his way around the castle library. He had every opportunity to commit murder, what with the entire household searching the grounds for the escaped lunatic.
Speaking of the escaped lunatic, can someone please tighten the ropes binding him to his chair? He’s tried to bite me several times during my speech. Thank you.
Could the murderer have been the bishop? Bishop Dunsberry was no fan of…
Get Rich Scheme
When I get rich, I'm gonna buy the biggest, lime greenest stretch limousine ever. Just the longest green limousine money can buy. People will see me and say, "Wow, look at that classy guy driving that long car! He must be a gazillionaire."
I'm gonna drive that limousine straight to the swimming pool store and buy the biggest, most expensive swimming pool they have. And, you know what it'll be shaped like? My lime green stretch limo, that's what. I already have the shape I want drawn out on the back of this pizza box.
Then, I'm gonna go out and get some business cards that have "Andy Ross: Zillionaire (but I bet you thought gazillionaire because of my limo)" printed on them. And, on each of my business cards? An embossed, lime green limousine.
"Why so much limo?" you ask. Well, it's all about creating a brand for yourself. Here, I'll give you an example:
I was watching Entertainment Tonight, waiting to see the world's fattest man get married, when I saw this rich lady on there. Everything in her house was cheetah stuff. The curtains were cheetah, the carpet was cheetah, the napkins were cheetah. Everything was cheetah. She had even gotten surgery to make her face look like a cheetah. It was gross. But, it was great branding!
Look at Donald Trump. Everything he owns is gold. Gold toilets, gold watches, gold other stuff. He knows that you're not truly rich until you're also famous. And, you need something to be famous for. He's famous for having gold stuff and firing people. I'm gonna be famous for my huge, lime green limousine.
I can’t wait to drive around in my limousine wearing a big fur coat and a top hat. And a monocle. They say to do what you love.
So, it's a four-step plan: Get rich, buy a limo, become famous, one day appear on Entertainment Tonight between segments about the celebrity colonics and a thing about kids born with no ears.
I think it's a pretty foolproof plan. I already own the monocle.
Flocked
When we were all still in Chicago, Steve Delahoyde, Mark Geary, Kumail Nanjiani, Jared Logan, and I made a sitcom pilot. I wrote it with Kumail and Jared. Mark produced. And, Steve directed.
The plot involves a con artist, played by the amazing Peter Grosz, taking over a cult full of misfits.
We filmed it in minus 10 degree weather in an old church. The pipes froze, and the propane heaters we brought in burned our lungs. We got no sleep. It was fun. I'm really happy with how it turned out.
That's why I'm sharing it with you below. I hope you enjoy it. And, thank you to Steve for putting it online.
Part One:
Part Two:
Part Three:
Drink Order
Whenever I go out for a drink, I tend to drink in a certain order. I call it my "drink order drink order." I like the night to build over time.
I’ll start off with something non-alcoholic, like an Arnold Palmer. A couple of those, and I’ll move on to a Shirley Temple. After that, I enjoy a cocktail with a little more kick to it. Something like a Tom Collins or a Rob Roy.
Then, it’s on to a Robert Guillaume, which leads into a Craig T. Nelson or a Natalie Imbruglia. Depends on what mood I’m in. Sometimes you wanna party. (Interesting side note, a virgin Natalie Imbruglia is often called a Nelly Furtado.)
I’ll drink a Henry Wadsworth Longfellow after that, which usually steers me toward an Allison Janney with a lime. I like a good Allison Janney. It’s hard to find a bartender who doesn’t use too much grenadine in his Allison Janney.
Around that time of night, I consistently order a Bill Paxton, even though I meant to order a Bill Pullman. It’s so easy to get those drinks mixed up. One has Cointreau, the other has Citron. Very confusing.
I’ll usually finish off the night with a Redd Foxx. Or if I don’t have work the next day, a Jim Thorpe. Man, ending the night on a Jim Thorpe really messes me up the next morning. But, I guess that’s what Sundays are for.
Notes on Your Font
I'm going to give you a few quick notes on the font you’ve created. I realize you didn’t ask for notes, but I’ve put a great deal of thought into this, so just shut up and listen. I said shut up!
First off, your ascenders are resplendent! My goodness, I simply adore your ascenders. Many designers get so focused on their descenders they completely forget their ascenders. Your ratio of cap height to ascender height... I’m speechless.
You’re descenders, on the other hand, are boorish and abrasive. Tsk. It’s as though you put all your eggs into your acscender basket, and you forgot completely your descenders. I see a disturbing lack of focus in your descenders. I pity the baseline grid that has to accommodate that lower-case "g."
Moving on to serifs. Solid. Not the worst serifs I’ve ever seen, but certainly not the best. Did I ever tell you about the serifs Lennart Waldenström made for his display font, Kortenkasse Grotesque? Organic. Delicate yet sturdy. Divine. His serifs were something out of Swan Lake. Yours are strained yet passable.
Your em dashes and en dashes, though, are arrogant and ill-mannered.
You’ve overworked your dipthongs and ligatures. That’s a clear indicator that a designer has gotten into typography for all the wrong reasons. The type world isn’t all glitz and glamour. Beware the draw of ligatures. A glyph here, a glyph there--the next thing you know, you’ll be designing dingbats in some dank alley for used copies of Creative Suite.
Listen, I can see by your ampersand that you have a great deal of raw talent. I’m simply trying to bring it out in you. It’s not your fault you don’t know your crossbar from your baseline. You’re young and stupid. That’s to be expected. Stop crying! If I’d wanted you to cry, I would have told you my thoughts on your drop caps.
Honestly, if you couldn't handle a little criticism, you shouldn't have not asked for it.
Dancing with Myself
Today is my 200th blog post! I’m pretty excited about that. Thank you to everybody who has been reading it so far.
I decided to celebrate by making the video above. I’ve talked about my amazing dancing before quite a bit, and I thought it was time to show it off. If that doesn't sound appealing, some other stuff happens about halfway through. Hope you enjoy it.
Remember to keep coming back, and feel free to hit the "share" button early and often. Thanks again.
- Andy
Preventing Bed Bugs
A lot of people think the only way you can get bed bugs is by having sex with a bedbug or sharing a dirty needle with a bed bug. Wrong. You can catch bed bugs from anywhere--offices, hotels, girls named Jessica. They're unavoidable. Here are a few tips for avoiding bed bugs:
- If you hear yourself saying the words, "Hey, free mattress!" stop and count to ten. Is that free curb mattress worth getting bed bugs? It might be. Depends on the mattress.
- Subways and cabs are perfect carriers for bed bugs. Never leave your house.
- Put thrift store purchases in your freezer for a week to kill any bed bugs. Don’t worry, that yellow velour trench coat will still be awesome next week.
- Take apart your bed frame every night and shake it out the window.
- Bed bugs don't just live in your bed—they often live in your picture frames. Sorry, photo of grandma, you gotta go.
- I think it’s time to finally start washing your clothes.
- Bed bugs can live for a year without eating. That one’s more of a trivia fact than a tip, but it’s pretty interesting, right?
- Bed bugs like dark, warm nooks and crannies. Tape up all your crannies.
- Constantly blast Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman at all hours. Bed bugs hate that song.
- If you stay at a hotel where the staff is itchy and grumpy, wear your scuba wetsuit to bed.
- When travelling, never set your suitcase down onto a pile of bed bugs.
- Buy a plastic mattress cover. If you’re embarrassed to tell the store clerk about bed bugs, just tell him you’re incontinent.
- Vacuum often in erratic patterns the bed bugs can’t predict.
- When a friend tells you she has bed bugs, she is no longer your friend. She’s something else. Remove the head or destroy the brain.
- When renting a new place, check the Internet for bed bug complaints. Try not to get distracted by all the pornography online, otherwise you’ll never …
Favorite Subgenres
The following is a list of my favorite subgenres of Afropop Bluegrass fusion:
- Analogue Sampled Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Neo-Grunge Klezmer Afropop Bluegrass fusion
- Slashpunk Brassband Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Shoegazer Mumble-Metal Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Chamber Quintet Ramblin' Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Post-Electro-Funk Dissonant Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Lo-Fi Bollywood D.I.Y. Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Pre-Ironic Bellbottom Rock Jazzy Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Progressive Stadium First-Wave Dancehall Gypsy-Billy Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Backyard Trip Hop Surfer-Folk Wall-of-Sound Teeny-Bopper Tejano Afropop Bluegrass Fusion
- Misc.