Avez-Vous Une Cigarette?
I apologize for the terrible picture quality of the following video. It's one of my first character monologues, and I think it holds up pretty well.
This comes from a 2006 performance at The Hideout in Chicago as part of Funny Ha-Ha, a terrific reading series hosted then and now by my friend Claire Zulkey.
Enjoy.
Postcards from the News
I made more Postcards from the News today for Indecision Forever. See one here.
Other than that, what else? I went to work. I had lunch. I saved a baby from a runaway bus. I worked on my robot that looks like me. I got a haircut. I picked up some printer ink. I shaved my beard and grew it back. I caught some squirrels for my squirrel circus. I made dinner. I watched a YouTube video about something; I forget what. I took out the recycling. Then I started a blog post, which I am finishing right ... now.
German Club
I thought I dust off this old video, since it's one of my favorites, and it hasn't made it to the blog yet. Directed by Steve Delahoyde.
My First Act as Mayor
As my first act as mayor, I am going to get rid of all these squirrels. It’s the platform I ran under, and the voters have clearly given me a mandate. Today is the dawn of a new era for our great city. No longer shall we be plagued by these thieving, bushy-tailed tree rats.
When I started my third party candidacy, people said I was crazy. No one believed that a simple falafel vendor with no government experience could get elected mayor—especially with such a focused campaign of ridding our community of its squirrel infestation. Seriously, people thought I was some kind of wacko.
But, as the race progressed, something happened. First, the incumbent Democratic candidate was caught on videotape taking bribes from an orphanage builder. The audio is a little fuzzy, but you could actually make out the mayor saying, “Asbestos, schmabestos. Give me my damn money, you c*#%!”
Then, just a week ago, the Republican candidate had his unfortunate autoerotic asphyxiation accident. And, after his death, the polygamy charges came to light. My heart goes out to his families.
(I can’t be sure of it, but I’m sure squirrels were involved somehow in his passing. Maybe their annoying squirrel chatter kept the Tea Party candidate from hearing the safe word. My heart goes out to her family as well.)
Now, normally a third party candidate still wouldn’t stand a chance of getting elected. However, people believed in my message of poisoning every squirrel that ever stole a falafel from my cart. That, and the election fell on the same day the American Idol tour bus broke down near the fairgrounds. I heard it was a pretty good free concert. I wouldn’t know; I was busy taking part in the lowest voter turnout ever recorded.
And yesterday, with a whopping six percent of the vote, I beat out the Aliens-Are-Controlling-Our-Jews candidate to become your new mayor.
So, look out, squirrels! I’m prepared to spend every dime this city has to outfit our police and firefighters with anti-squirrel hammers. Your days of terrorizing our noble cart vendors are over.
God bless you all, and God bless America.
Second Date Tips
So, you’re going on another date. Good for you. You must not have thrown up during the first one. Here are twelve steps for a great second date:
1) Be yourself. Because, honestly, how long did you think you could keep up that French accent?
2) Show up on a tandem bicycle. Yeah, shit just got real.
3) Wear your most expensive sweatpants. Dates appreciate the finer things.
4) Bring along the portrait you painted of him or her from memory. It will show you’re interested, especially because you incorporated their real hair.
5) Prove how generous you are by tipping the emergency room doctor.
6) Or, you could just remember to ask if your dish contains peanuts. For once, god damn it.
7) Fun activity: skipping stones on a pond, especially if you’re super competitive about it.
8) Find out the other person’s name. That was pretty sloppy on your part.
9) If you happen to stumble on the sidewalk, don’t get flustered. Just laugh it off. Keep laughing and laughing until you can hardly breathe and your face turns red. Laugh until you sound like an evil scientist. Then, your date won’t even remember that you tripped.
10) Ask if you can videotape the entire date to help “work on your technique.”
11) Bring up religion. Why not?
12) Now’s a good time to try out some of the weird stuff in bed, before the sex gets monotonous and boring on the third date.
That’s it. Good luck, and remember to listen and smile. Oh, and dance like no one’s watching.
Sudoku
This is a video about sudoku, the puzzle sensation that swept the nation. A while back. Now, there are new number-based puzzles trying to sweep the nation. Like karoku or futoshiki. They're pretty late to the game, though, especially since everybody has iPhones by now. We're all busy collecting apps.
Speaking of which, have you gotten the app that checks when bands on your iPod are coming to town? It's great! I tell ya, tomorrow is here today.
The sudoku video was directed by the incomparable Steve Delahoyde and livened up by the equally incomparable Paul Thomas. I mean, when you compare Steve and Paul, it’s hard to tell which is more incomparable. Their incomparability is almost exactly equal.
Acceptance Speech
Thank you for that warm applause. And, thank you to Forbes Magazine for this prestigious award. It is an honor to be on this stage with so many amazing entrepreneurs.
Aggregation … wikis … memes … cloudsourcing. Business is no longer about steering the ship; it’s about riding the wave. E-commerce use to be about building a website or a social network. Now, those are simply the seeds of a cross-platform empire. Two years ago, I planted that perfect seed when I created CoolRetardedOrGay.com.
We all realize Web 2.0 or 3.0 or 6.0 are about giving voice to the voiceless. And, I believe in that. I truly believe that only the people can decide if something is cool, retarded, or gay. Not academics or critics. They’ve controlled what’s cool, retarded, or gay for too long. So, I put the decision into the public’s fat, sticky hands.
You see, the trick was--and only someone outside the “establishment” could see this--it was that voting is not a binary system. It’s not always hot or not, Democrat or Republican, perky or MILF-y. Sometimes there’s a third party, and that party is called Retarded.
Let’s say you have a video, and it’s a spoof of a Coen Brothers’ adaptation of Donkey Kong, and you get Jude Law to guest star as Stewie from Family Guy. Now is that cool or gay? Hold on. It’s not up to you. You’re wealthy, powerful entrepreneurs. It’s up to the faceless masses to decide, and they demand more options. They might think it’s retarded.
Or, say you have a t-shirt that portrays Oscar the Grouch as a hobo. To someone keyed into what I will call the “college sensibility,” that would be a cool vote. A grumpy homeless man might vote gay. Everyone has an equal say online. The Internet is the true democracy where any twenty-something male with a high speed connection can make his opinion heard.
And, opinions can change over time. Maybe, that ornery hobo could take “ownership” over the message and wear that shirt in ironic gayness. Maybe, the Donkey Kong video will shift from cool to retarded and back to cool again. Nothing is constant in the cool/retarded/gay continuum. The Information Age is about unpredictable, unnecessary change, but I’m here as proof to Wall Street that you can ride that mindless wave to financial fortune.
Look at CoolRetardedGay Sportswear. CRG Hard Cider. CoolRetardedGay Airlines. Look at CRG’s military support contracts in Afghanistan. Once you open your ears to what the people want, you can start selling it to them. It’s not about telling the public what their basic needs are. It’s about listening to their basest desires.
Thank you for this Forbes NextWave Business Award. As I accept this honor, I want to leave you with one word … Retarded.
The Greatest Slow Jam
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[Text of the above video, which was animated using the website xtranormal.]
After years of research, our scientists have developed the greatest slow jam of all time. This slow jam is the slow jam to beat all slow jams. It has more oh babies, gettings close, and feeling its than any that has come before.
However, we cannot release this slow jam. Testing suggested that this slow jam may be too powerful, too slowly jammed. Early listeners in the lab immediately began making love to each other’s faces. One participant, upon hearing the jam, ground her hips straight through her dancing partner.
Fearing this slow jam may be too dangerous, we will be removing two suggestive verses discussing how it has been “so hard” for “so long” without you. We believe this should solve the reflexive humping problems.
At least, we hope it will.
Homemade Ice Cream Cake
Yet another video in the "How Do...?" instructional series. Here, we'll learn how to make homemade ice cream cake? Whaaaa?!! You bet your ass homemade ice cream cake!
How to Choose Vegetables
Another in the "How Do...?" instructional video series. In this installment, we discus tips on how to choose the freshest, healthiest vegetables.