Lack of Sleep
This might be the lack of sleep talking, but I'm very grumpy and cold. There's not enough sunshine out. Also, my eyelids are heavy, and everything is stupid, and I hate everything. Again, that might be the lack of sleep talking.
Why did you let me stay up so late reading celebrity gossip blogs? I thought we talked about this. If you let me stay up late, I'm going to be grumpy in the morning, and that'll make you grumpy. Why would you want to make yourself grumpy? I'm so mad at you for doing that.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't take it out on you. It's not your fault that I'm upset; it's my lack of sleep. Also this lady walking ahead of us. Why is she walking so slowly?!! JESUS CHRIST, LADY!
Whoa, short fuse. I've got a short fuse this morning. I apologize. I'm sure everything will be better once I get some coffee and once I shove this old lady out of the way. What? Whad'ya mean I can't push an old lady? Why are you being so difficult?
I swear, if I had gotten more sleep or if I was in a better mood, you would let me push that old woman into a snow bank. You're so mean to me when I'm tired---never letting me push old ladies or yell at cars. I don't know why you have to be so cruel. When I'm fully rested, you never seem cruel at all. But, when I'm sleepy and grumpy---that's when you become a mean jerkpants.
Goddamnit I'm so tired.
You know what? That was out of line. I should never have called you a poopy-face jerkpants. Let's go back to bed for a few hours, and when we wake up, I can make it up to you. Also, let's quit our jobs so that we don't have to get up early anymore.
I think this is a good plan. I think this plan is gonna work out great. The first step, though, is turning around and going back to our nice warm bed---
Owww, stop pulling my arm towards the subway! You're being unreasonable!
Your Apology
You're saying I have to actually accept your apology? I've never accepted an apology before. I wouldn't know where to start.
Isn't it enough that I acknowledge your apology? See, that's how I normally do things. You apologize; I nod and say "uh huh"; then, I explain exactly what you did wrong back to you. That way you know that I recognize your many faults, and we can move forward.
Well, I guess we can't really move forward, because I refuse to stop seething. I just keep looping through all the things you've done wrong, which implies that I still have a problem with you. Which I do. That's the whole point.
If I accept your apology, that ends it right there. Clean slate. Tabula rasa. It means I can never again passive-aggressively bring up your misdeed. What's the point in that? It's as if you don't want me holding petty grudges. Wha?
If I accept your apology, there would be no snowballing of emotional baggage. [Shut up, I know it's a mixed metaphor. Give me a break. Don't point out my mixed metaphors again, unless you want an earful about the time you ate the last donut. I'm still mad about that.]
Listen, what I'm saying is this: You apologized. That's on you. If you crave forgiveness so bad, maybe you shouldn't do anything wrong in the first place.
Now, get off your knees and stop crying. You're making me feel empathy for your mistakes. I hate that.
Amazon Wish List
Dear friends,
I would like to apologize for an email you may have received from me earlier today. It seems I accidentally sent my entire address book a link to my Amazon wish list. This was simply a computer error and has nothing to do with my upcoming birthday.
I would be mortified if you all thought I was pointing out perfect gifts for my birthday, which is coming up right around the corner. Gifts like the Where the Wild Things Are on Blue-Ray or a used copy of Steve Martin’s 1979 book, Cruel Shoes. I was definitely not doing that.
I don't know how this happened. I guess Amazon must have a new "export to all contacts" function. Somehow, I mistakenly pasted in a list of email addresses and then clicked “send” and later clicked “I’m sure.” You can see how it was a simple mix-up.
Again, I’m very sorry to have bothered you with that earlier email, which might have gone into your spam folder, in case you want to check your spam folder to make sure you got it.
If you did receive the email or have now salvaged it from your spam, please delete it. There’s no need for you to click through the easy-to-follow hyperlink to see my Amazon wish list.
It’s mostly just things I would never buy for myself, because that wouldn’t compare to the excitement of receiving them as gifts. Things like the Complete First Season of Modern Family or a USB-enabled LAN adapter for my Wii.
Birthdays aren’t about gifts. They’re about celebrating together.
Like the celebration I had last year for my 30th birthday that many of you couldn’t come to because you had other plans. Which I’m sure you now regret and wish you could make up to me. Perhaps by chipping in with a few other email recipients to buy me a Wacom PTK640 Black Intuos4 Medium Pen Tablet with Pen & Mouse (Factory Refurbished).
So, again, I apologize for the mistake. Especially coming now, just barely within the special promotional window of free shipping for orders over $50. It was never my intention to pressure you into making me feel happy and loved.
Sorry again,
Andy
Apologies for the Tasering
Dear Tammi,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for having tasered you. It was an awful mistake. Actually, it was the culmination of a series of awful mistakes, and I am deeply sorry for all of them.
First off, I should have never brought my taser gun to your pool party. I had just gotten it the day before. And, you know when you get a new gadget? You just want to play with it right away?
Secondly, I should not have recharged it beyond the manufacturer’s recommendations. I had been reading some DIY tech blogs, and a guy in Russia found the taser's internal override switch. My curiosity got the better of me.
When Bill said he was a better dancer than me, I should have just let it go. Not everything is a challenge to my manhood. If Colleen has told me that once, she's told me a bazillion times.
As the impromptu dance-off reached its climax, props were unnecessary. I had clearly won by that point. I guess, subconsciously, I wanted to show off my new taser to Bill.
However, I hope you will accept some small responsibility for having surprised me with rice crispy bars. I mean, you know I'm bad with surprises. I'm not saying the tasering is solely your fault, but I do think blame can be shared a little.
Finally, I'm sorry I waited a few minutes before tasering you. My delayed reflexes are one of the reasons I looked into self-defense in the first place. It was not meant as vengeance for you costing me the dancing competition. I understand why it might have come off that way, which is unfortunate.
Anyway, thank you for having me over. Your new home is beautiful, and I'm sure you will get a lot of use out of the pool once the doctors give you the okay.
Sorry again,
Andy