An Inspirational Story
Once upon a time, there was an old man who was walking very slowly and old man-like. He saw a young man running towards him very fast, the way young men do.
The old man called out, “Young man, where are you going in such a rush?” The young man did not stop. He did not slow down. He simply yelled out, “Can’t stop. Free hot dogs.”
The old man smiled to himself and remembered when he had been young and foolish enough to run full speed for free hot dogs. That was the day he threw up on President Truman.
Moral: Same one as “The Tortoise and the Hair” except with puke.
Yoga Class
Hey! “Knock knock.” Is this Intermediate Yoga? Am I in the right place? Oh, shhhh, yeah sorry. Shhh. Right. Sorry I’m late. I’ll be quiet.
Let me just find a mat. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Comin’ through. Hey, I know you. You’re Bill’s wife, Kim, right? Good to see you. Excuse me. Pardon me. Just making my way … to a … mat. Got it! Got a mat. All set.
Quick question before we start. Well, I mean before I start, since everybody started without me. Is this the kind of yoga with all the magic mumbo jumbo? Like, do I have to buy into all that chi energy and tiger ancestors and your soul breathes through your butthole stuff?
Because, this is my first yoga class. I know it’s Level 2, but I figure I pick up on stuff fast. And, how hard can it be looking at some of the pudge-os in here? Not you, Darlin’, you look great. You look like a beer commercial. Whatever you’re doing, keep at it.
Right, shhhhh. Quiet. I get it, you’re all concentrating on your buttholes. Y’know, I wouldn’t have to yell if you left some mats open in the front for people who were understandably late, because their cats threw up in the Toyota Camry. Fine, fine, I’ll shut up.
…
That wasn’t me. That fart was not me. I just want everyone to know, since I feel like I’m the designated bad guy already. Believe me, if that fart was mine, you’d know it. I had a breakfast burrito.
No, lady, you be quiet. You think all that shooshing is quiet? It’s not. It’s loud, and it’s distracting my chi flow. Pay attention to your own noise level.
Oh shit! My back! Ohhh, my back! Dammit, lady, you made me throw out my back! See what your shooshing does? Ow ow owww. Somebody call an ambulance. Kim, go call an ambulance. Model-looking girl, will you ride in the ambulance with me? I’ll need someone to comfort me and cradle my head.
No? You won’t? Alright then, never mind about the ambulance. Kim, good hustle with that cell phone, but I’m okay. I’m gonna go outside and grab a smoke. That usually helps. I’ll be back in two shakes. Don’t do the Dogward Down without me.
I Am Not “Brassy”
Please stop referring to me as “brassy.” Yes, I admit that I have an outgoing personality, and yeah, I can be a bit loud. But, the word “brassy” is for ladies. Specifically older ladies in wrap sweaters and chunky jewelry. I am not that.
I am a young man, dammit! I demand proper adjectives. Ballsy, boorish, loudmouthed—all perfectly fine. But brassy? What, just because a dude can belt out a showstopper, suddenly he’s “brassy?” So I remind people of a young Bette Midler, so what?
I’m expressive. If that makes me brassy, then I guess I am brassy. Shoot, no wait! Forget what I just said. I am not, I repeat, I am not brassy.
Also, I don’t like everyone referring to me as a “fella.” That one’s more acceptable, but it’s still somehow unmanly. Especially when used in the phrase, “My, aren’t you a brassy little fella!” Everyone, please stop saying that all the time.
Don’t make me become a diva about this.
First Date Tips
12 Steps to a Perfect First Date:
1) Don’t mispronounce your own name. It’s pretty suspicious.
2) Full intercourse right away. Before you leave for the restaurant. It deflates the tension.
3) A simple mnemonic: Milkshake then sushi, problems with tushy; Sushi then milkshake, also big mistake.
4) Avoid religion, especially the part about believing that crystals radiate “aura stabilizers.”
5) Bring your dog, so if you get nervous, you can pretend your dog is a ventriloquist dummy. “Ruff ruff, I’ll have the couscous with a side of bones.”
6) Body language is important. Remember to have body language.
7) Post-dinner laser tag.
8) Show your date that trick where you dislocate your thumb, and it hangs there like it’s dead.
9) Take a breather about halfway through the evening. Just explain to your date you need to take a breather.
10) It’s never too early to ask for help with a pimple on your back. It shows you’re open to intimacy.
11) Never kiss on the first date. Stick to high fives and full intercourse.
12) Mail your date the thank you card and souvenir t-shirt the very next day. Some people wait a week, but we’re too old to play games.
There you go. Good luck on your dates. Enjoy yourself, and don’t throw up.
My Twin’s Pain
Ever since we were little, my twin brother Frank and I could always sense what the other one was feeling. No matter how far away we were from each other. People think it’s weird, but it’s just how we are.
Like, right now, I can tell that Frank feels like eating a hotdog. It’s just this sensation I have in my stomach. I bet if we called him up right now, he’d admit he’s been craving a hotdog. I sure hope he doesn’t have one, because whenever Frank eats hotdogs, it gives us both terrible indigestion.
Once, Frank broke his leg. He was in Australia at the time, and I was in San Diego. So, the moment he broke his leg I was on the other side of the world, and … I didn’t feel a thing. Maybe he was too far away. Or, maybe it was because I was on a week-long bender. I was blackout drunk for 10 days straight after Michelle left me. Frank says I got so drunk that he was having a hard time driving in Australia. That’s how he broke his leg.
Anyway, the day he got the cast off felt great for me.
Frank and Michelle started dating right after that. I guess it makes sense, because Michelle is attracted to guys who look like Frank. It was really rough for me re-experiencing all those first tinglings of love with Michelle. Because, they were Frank’s tinglings, and getting them secondhand sucked. I got pretty depressed. So, Frank got pretty depressed too. Michelle helped him (and me by extension) get through it. That bitch.
I spent their entire wedding night slamming my testicles against a sawhorse in my garage. I’d stand up on it, sort of freefall into a straddle position, and then pass out a bit. It was the worst night of my life. Franks’ too. He spent his entire Cancun honeymoon with an icepack on his crotch. My doctor says I can never ride a bike again, but at the time, I thought it was worth it.
Frank and I haven’t talked much since the testicles thing. He knows I feel bad about it. I can feel that he feels that I feel bad about it.
On our most recent birthday, I ate a piece of his favorite chocolate cake as a sort of apology. I hope he enjoyed it. And, I hope he knows that I forgive him for stealing away that only woman that I will ever love. Ever. My one true love Michelle.
Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the stomach now.
Our Discussion
That’s great news about your job, and I’m so glad we’re having this chat about work and life, but I was wondering if we can talk about TV now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really enjoyed our conversation. It’s good to hear what you’re up to, and I think we’ve worked through a lot of good ideas. But, it’s been almost 45 minutes without mentioning what TV shows we’re watching.
Like Modern Family. When you said that thing about buying your boyfriend a gift, it reminded me of a recent Modern Family episode. And, I wanted to ask if you had seen it too, but the opening never presented itself. I’m glad to know that you found him a cool watch, but I still don’t know if you’ve been watching Modern Family. If not, you should be. It’s a great show.
Also great, Parks and Recreation. That show is really coming into its own. Much funnier than your story about your new niece. Not that you’re not funny. Just, how can you compete with TV? They’re professionals at that stuff.
All this talk about bosses and getting ready to have kids has gotten kinda heavy. Can we talk about something else? We don’t have to talk about just TV. We can talk about anything. How about Netflix? Anything exciting on your Netflix queue?
Do you do Netflix streaming? It’s great! I’ve been waiting like a half hour to tell you about it. In fact, I kinda zoned out on what you were saying, because I was trying to think of a streaming documentary that I thought you’d like. I’m sorry about that. It was Trumbo, by the way. It’s a documentary about the blacklisted screenwriters.
Anyway, don’t feel like you have to talk about TV or Netflix. I’m happy to discuss whatever. As long as it’s not work or politics or family stuff. Or plans or travel or books or feelings or the weather. But, like DVD box sets or those new 3-D LCD screens or Blu-ray players would be great. Whatever you want.
Homemade Ice Cream Cake
Yet another video in the "How Do...?" instructional series. Here, we'll learn how to make homemade ice cream cake? Whaaaa?!! You bet your ass homemade ice cream cake!
Harry and the Hendersons
In case you need a little help on trivia night, here are a few facts not many people know about the 1987 movie Harry and the Hendersons:
- The actor inside the Harry costume was only 5’2” tall. Harry’s extreme height in the film was created through a series of in-camera tricks and hiring an all-midget cast.
- In the film, characters keep referring to John Lithgow as someone named “George Henderson” even though he’s clearly John Lithgow. Couldn’t they recognize John Lithgow, famous actor of stage and screen?
- The plot is loosely based on the real-life story of a man who brought home a grizzly bear, married her, and had three bear children.
- A sitcom spin-off of the movie lasted only three seasons, but the spin-off of that spin-off was a little show called Seinfeld.
- The working title of the shooting script was Bigfoot and the Bigfootersons.
- When Harry accidentally knocks over the nightie-wearing teenage daughter, Sarah, his facial expression implies that he sees her genitals. This was insisted upon by the studio to help the movie get its hard R rating.
- The closing credits always make me tear up a little.
- Each year, the Cryptozoology Society of America releases an updated list of the film’s scientific inaccuracies. As with all cryptozoology, the list, itself, is mostly scientifically inaccurate.
- A school talent show scene featuring Harry tap dancing to Lullaby of Broadway was cut due to runtime.
- There were 12 different dogs used to portray the family pet, Little Bob. This is because the actor playing Jaques LaFleur kept devouring them.
This Book
I’m reading this new book, and it is super good. I can’t think of the name right now, but I really think you’d like it.
It’s about a young guy named, uh … something with a J. And, he’s on this submarine, I think. It might be that he’s at a pool. I know for sure that he “dives” somehow. And, at first, you think this guy—maybe Jake—is just a regular guy, but it turns out that he’s actually something else. I can’t say what, because I don’t want ruin it for you, and because I don’t quite remember exactly. Thinking back on it, his name might be Joseph.
Anyway, Jake works at a dive bar. Yup, that must be where I got the word “dive.” So, it’s a bar then. Also, it may be in Pittsburgh. One day, either a movie mogul or a real estate mogul—some kind of mogul—comes in and offers Joseph a job. Then, a bunch of really cool stuff happens from there.
And, I just got to this part in the book where another character, who may or may not be a lady, comes in and says something really funny. It’s a joke about some people doing something wacky. I wish I could think of the punchline, because it was really funny.
So after that, Joseph gets chased by a dog or some kind of animal or person. And, either he escapes or he doesn’t. But, the point is that it’s through this dark behind-the-buildings place. Like an alleyway. But dark. I guess alleys can be dark. Maybe it was an alley.
Then, in the end, there’s a big twist that you’d never expect. Just like in that one movie about the guy who goes to the thing with the girl from that other movie about elves. She’s got black hair? You know the movie I’m talking about? Not the elves movie, but the other movie? It’s like that.
When I read this book, I thought of you, because I know how much you like books about Philadelphia and vampires. Oh shit! I think I ruined the ending. Sorry. It was such a good book. Anyway, you should look for it in the vampire section at Borders. The cover was blue. Or black.