Thank You, Oprah
In honor of Oprah ending her show, I want to take a moment to acknowledge all she’s given to us all over the years. So, if you’ll allow me, I’d like to thank Oprah for a few things:
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for teaching us to define ourselves through consumer goods.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for sharing The Secret with us.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for giving Jenny McCarthy a nationwide platform to discourage childhood vaccination.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for a constant flow of gurus.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for providing a safe place for closeted Scientologists to talk about their private jets.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for bringing us the person who brought us the word "yummo."
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for getting the world to read books with “buzz.”
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for inspiring Tyra Banks to be the way she is.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for helping corporations pass off public relations giveaways as charity.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for making suburban soccer moms refer to their genitals as “va-jay-jays.”
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for all the screaming.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for the Backstreet Boys reunion.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for turning on James Frey and making his artistic/self-promotional choices seem like a personal emotional assault against you and your viewers.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for a southern psychologist who berates people for a half hour in place of therapy.
Farewell, Oprah. Thank you for teaching us that it doesn’t matter what weight a woman is, as long as she defines herself by her constant struggle with weight.
Thank you, Oprah. You’ve left the world and yourself a richer place.
Pigeon Names
Names I have given pigeons in my head:
- Motley
- Garbage Joe
- Stooly the Snitch
- Grindhouse
- Monopod Birdstrum
- ShadowWing
- Dovbert
- Squints
- Coo Boo
- The Claw
- Gray Ghost
- Brown Ghost
- Whitey
- Moltin’ Lava
- Poops Radley
- Toothpick
- Vermin Munster
- Gary
My Regrets
A brief list of things I will regret having said for the rest of my life. (Provided without context.)
- Sure, this hide-a-bed will fit through the upstairs door.
- Right back at’cha.
- Well, if I have to choose a celebrity, I guess Kristen Bell.
- Sure, that can be my nickname.
- Cilantro.
- That’s okay, I’ll take the next train.
- Excuse me, I gotta make a tinkle.
- Double tequila.
- Whoa, who died and made you so frowny?
- Bye bye.
- Rental insurance? Maybe next time.
- Love you … Love ya ... buddy.
- I can hold it in.
- Let’s watch Cradle Will Rock.
- Learning German will probably be more useful.
- You’re Asian?
- Awww, she looks like a baby Buddy Hackett.
- Yupperdoodles!
Yelling
There are certain times when it’s appropriate to yell. Other times, not so much. Here’s a list of occasions to help you gauge when yelling might or might not be appropriate.
Time when yelling is appropriate:
- On a roller coaster
- At a sporting event
- During a car accident
- Engaging in non-violent protests
- Celebrating New Years
- While being murdered
- While battening down the hatches
- At the edge of the Grand Canyon
- Just as your dog tries to pee on the couch
- While operating a textile mill
- On a water slide
- During a stampede
- On a customer service call with Time Warner
- When tossing the hero his dropped sword
- Falling off a ladder
- Professing your love from a rooftop
- On a jetway
- Thanksgiving with Republicans
- While receiving electroshock therapy
- Riding Falkor
- Trapped at the bottom of a well
Times when yelling is not appropriate:
- At a funeral
- In a neonatal intensive care ward
- At a nice restaurant where I was trying to have a pleasant dinner with my wife and our good friend Jesse. I’m looking at you, large peroxided lady wearing leopard print at Vinegar Hill House in Brooklyn last night between the hours of 7:30 and 9:30pm. You know, you were with a group of similar-looking ladies having a good time, which is great. But, holy shit, you’ve got the loudest voice I’ve ever heard ever, and your anecdotes weren’t really charming enough to share with the entire restaurant. That’s why your friends kept talking over you, making you feel the need to raise your voice even more. For reals, though, shut the fuck up.
Tired Today
A list of reasons as to why I might seem a little run down today:
- It’s raining, and I’m never my best when it rains.
- I had a weird dream last night about a staring contest with a goat. Very disturbing.
- There might be some slight anemia issues around my all-bagel diet.
- Last night, there was a marathon of some Sy Fy Network show from Canada. I don’t remember the name or storyline, but for some reason, I need to watch seven hours of it.
- After the marathon, I decided I should investigate starting a tumblr.
- There are a lot of tumblrs about cute puppies.
- My wife suffers from night pudgilism, which means she sits up and punches me like an old-timey boxer with a handlebar mustache.
- I drank four glasses of ice tea right before bed.
- A garbage truck idled outside my window at 5am. That shit is garbage.
- I had to get up early before somebody ate the last bagel. (Meaning me. I’m a sleep eater, which is very unsatisfying.)
- I didn’t get my cup of coffee this morning, because somebody broke the coffee pot. (Me.)
- The trains were really crowded, so I didn’t have room for my usual 8am nap.
- A bunch of other stupid reasons, which are stupid.
- Sorry, I’m a little grumpy from lack of sleep.
Goodnight, everybody. Oh wait, what? It’s only 5:37 pm? And, they’re showing Terminator 2: Judgement Day on AMC tonight at 11pm? Well, I guess I have to stay up for that.
Good luck, everyone who has to deal with me tomorrow. You poopbuttheads.
Wedding Gift Ideas
In honor of the royal wedding, I've decided to list off my favorite wedding gifts to give/receive.
Because, let’s face it, wedding registries are weird and transactional. That’s why you’re allowed up to a year from the day of the wedding to think of something awesome. At that point, of course, you can give up trying and just buy the one pickle fork and one corn-on-the-cob holder left on the registry.
But, that all changes right here and right now, goddamnit! Because, you’ve got me on your side. And, besides being the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I’m also in the top ten wedding gifters. Fine, top twenty.
My favorite wedding gifts are:
An ice cream maker, which provides a helpful scapegoat to explain the post-wedding weight gain.
A large silver salad bowl. Have you ever eaten two pints of homemade ice cream out of a silver bowl? It makes you feel powerful.
Monogramed Slap Chop. Obviously.
An ornate picture frame to make any picture look beautiful, even the one of that doggy-looking flower girl. Jesus Christ, I hope she grows into those ears.
Some bullshit shaped like a heart. Honestly, this can be whatever.
A croquet set, unless the bride and groom are the kind of jerks who don’t like croquet, which are the worst kind of jerks.
A pet parrot! It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Responsibility. For eighty years.
Silver candlesticks. They’re not just for murder. You can use them to hold candles as well.
A KitchenAid mixer says to the couple, "Here's hoping that one day you'll have a kitchen big enough to store all this useless shit.”
A crystal vase. With proper pronunciation, please. We’re not animals.
A marble cheese tray. I take cheese far too seriously to serve it on some granite bullshit. Or wood, ugh.
Rosewood salad tongs. Salad-based gifts are like the life preserver you throw the couple during their post-wedding ice cream and cheese binges.
Ziplock baggies. C’mon, admit it---pretty useful.
Superglue. To repair that glass the groom accidentally stepped on at the end of the ceremony. I hope he wasn’t too embarrassed.
A gift certificate to a crib store. Thanks, Mom, we get it. WE GET IT ALREADY!
Matching aprons. Adorable! No wait, too adorable. Gross. Nevermind.
Something the groom might like. I'm just kidding.
In Your Pocket
Is that a golf pencil in your pocket, or are you just disappointed to see me?
Is that a packet of tissues in your pocket, or are you still thinking about Tiffani-Amber Thiessen?
Is that a pocket in your pocket? Are those jeans?
Is that a cell phone in your pocket, or is your dick playing Chamillionaire?
Is that a bindle of cocaine in your pocket, or did you not realize what a "chili party" was code for?
Is that an iPad in your pocket? That's a big pocket! Oh, it's a tote bag?
Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you very intimidating to me for some reason?
Is that your twelve-point business plan to start a chain of frozen yogurt stands in your pocket, or are you just a prospective investor?
Is that your uncle's hand in your pocket, or did you not want me to bring up bad memories?
Is that a chopstick in your pocket, or is your dinker oddly skinny? [Yeah, dinker. I said it. I'm not afraid to get all NSFW up in here.]
Is that a gavel in the pocket of your judicial robe, or what's going on in there, Justice Thomas?
Is that an engagement ring in your pocket, or have the last seven years been a complete waste, like my mother keeps saying?
Is that a Latin dictionary in your pocket, or do you arrigo, arrigere, arrigas?
Is that a chocolate eclair in your pocket? Me too.
Things to Do Before You Die
18 Things to Do Before You Die:
1) Watch the sun set across the Grand Canyon.
2) Swim with dolphins in the Caribbean.
3) LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!
Whew! Holy cow! Man, are you okay?
Good thing you jumped out of the way! Are you sure you're okay?
Alright… Let’s get back to the list then…
4) Learn to play an instrument.
5) Climb Machu Picchu.
6) Whoa, Buddy, DON'T EAT THAT PEANUT!
Jesus. Did you forget about your peanut allergy? You've gotta be more vigilant about that.
Seriously. Okay, moving on...
7) Drink champagne at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
8) Make love to... a...
...that ladder looks a little shaky. Maybe don't stand on the top step like that. WHOA!!! WHOA WHOA WHOA!! GRAB HOLD OF THE BOOKSHELF! Here, give me your hand!
Okay, now put your foot on the wardrobe. Stay there while I hold the ladder.
What the hell, man? Do you not want to make it through this list? You need to be more careful.
10) HEY! A cattle prod is not a toy! Don't you realize you're standing in a puddle of water?
You know what? I think that's enough for the list. Clearly you're not interested in doing any of this stuff before you die.
Which is too bad, because I had some great ideas about dancing in the moonlight and reading The Bhagavad Gita in its original Sanskrit. But, you go ahead and keep taunting that cobra.
NO, STOP! I was only joking about taunting the cobra! Don't do that! Jesus, dude…
Broken Phone Tips
Here are a few helpful tips on what to do when your smartphone breaks, organized into five easy stages:
STAGE ONE
- Ask yourself if this is a dream. Is this a dream? I mean, who drops their phone into a pot of boiling minestrone? Who does that?!
- Try drying off the battery with a hair dryer. It’s probably just that the battery shook loose, right? Right?
- Somebody once told me putting your phone in a bag of dried barley overnight can wick away the moisture. (Although, this sounds a little like black magic, so maybe hold off.)
- Hopefully all the info is synced onto your computer. Think of the last time you synced to your... I MEAN, WHO DROPS A PHONE INTO SOUP?!!
STAGE TWO
- Pace wildly in ever-tighter circles.
- Contemplate whether you believe in A) a spiteful God or B) no God.
- Call the TechGuys Store about repairing your phone. Hold up; their info was in your contacts list on your phone. DAMMIT! It’s a catch-42!
- Wait, 42 isn’t the right number. What’s the right number? Catch-44? Let me just Google it on my… DAMMIT!
- Call Charlie to ask if he can look up the TechGuys’ number one his smartphone. Also, ask him about the catch-42 thing. But... how are you going to call Charlie without a phone? Stupid Charlie!!!
STAGE THREE
- Check to see if you still have a landline. Where was that phone jack when you moved in? Behind the headboard? If you do have a phone line, maybe you can remember Charlie’s number.
- See someone walking outside the bedroom window with a smartphone. Yell out the window that you’ll give them $100 for their phone.
- Tell your neighbor you’ll only stop yelling if she lends you a bag of dried barley.
STAGE FOUR
- Notice your hand is shaking from Twitter withdrawal.
- Sit in an empty bathtub for a while.
- Go ahead and eat the minestrone. Then some ice cream. Then something salty, to cut the sweetness. Maybe nachos. Or hummus.
- Or potato chips. Then more ice cream.
- Regret the final text you sent before dropping your phone. If only you’d known it was the last one, you wouldn’t have typed “LMAO.” So disrespectful.
- Sit fully-clothed under the running water in your shower.
STAGE FIVE
- Take a long, hard look at your smartphone. It's no longer your phone; it's just an empty shell. Your real phone is out there in the network somewhere.
- Look around. Finally see your apartment for the first time in months. It’s filthy. With no Facebook available, you might as well clean up a little.
- Get eight hours of sleep for once. I guess it’s not that important that you beat your high score at Fruit Ninja.
- Wake up next to someone. Who is this person? Oh, it’s your spouse.
- Try to convince your spouse to stop reading his or her Kindle. Drag them away from it if you have to.
- Take a nice, leisurely morning walk together. Remember what freedom feels like.
- Pass by an AT&T Store. You might as well just pop in a get another phone.
- Sit on the curb and get in a few good tweets and maybe five or six rounds of Fruit Ninja.
- Mmmm… sweet, sweet smartphone. You feel so right.
Missing Link
Reasons this skull I discovered might not be the missing link:
1) Hairline fractures along the occipital bone could only have been caused advanced stone tools.
2) Wear along the molars suggests the consumption of cultivated grains.
3) Rather than displaying classic Hominidae post-cranial traits, this is closer in shape to a vole or rodent's skull.
4) I found it on a picnic table in Central Park.
5) A group of ten-year-old boys were trying to hit it with a stick, but I chased them off.
6) My former colleagues at the museum insist it's a squirrel skull.
7) When I questioned their reasoning, they told me I was supposed to hand in my museum ID months ago.
8) My ex-wife agrees it's a squirrel skull, and says I need to stop coming around. She’s married to Donald now.
9) The foramen magnum is not positioned as anteriorly, which would suggest a semi-erect posture.
10) My buddy down at McGinty's, Dirty Pete, thinks it is the missing link, and he's usually wrong about things. Also drunk.
11) It’s in pretty good shape for being 200,000 years old.
12) The guy at the pawn shop wouldn’t give me more than five bucks for it.
13) I am pretty drunk right now.
14) The skull still has some bits of squirrel attached.
15) So, those are my reasons why I think this possibly might not be the missing link, officer.