Mystery Key
For the past couple of years, I’ve had an extra key on my key chain. I have no idea what lock it fits, and honestly, I only noticed it by accident when I mistook it for my front door key. (By the way, no I was not high, Mr. I-Make-Assumptions-About-Andy's-Life-Choices.)
I asked my wife about it; I tried it in all the doors of our apartment; I looked for distinguishing marks… I got nothing, you guys.
So, I’ve come up a few possibilities as to what this key might open:
- My laundry room two apartment buildings ago.
- Some attic somewhere.
- The ancient chest in the corner of the basement with the scary thumping sounds.
- Half of a locket that I never knew held the identity of my royal twin, from whom I was separated at birth. And, also he’s bored by his pampered life. If only he could somehow switch places with someone… And, also he has a really cool dog.
- Happiness / my dreams / success / the Twinkie drawer.
- My super-secret wall safe behind my painting of Scrooge McDuck.
- The gun rack in my uncle’s '82 Impala.
- The complex allegory of visual motifs of Mulholland Drive.
- A rental car I keep forgetting to return. Ugh.
[Wait a minute, I was only kidding earlier about the Twinkie drawer, but now I can’t stop thinking that it might actually BE the key for my drawer full of Twinkies. Let me go check that again…
... Nope. They’re still stuck in there.]
- My mailbox. Do people still send snail mail anymore? Oh my god, do you think that’s where all my utility bills went?
- The motel room of that creepy dude from the aluminum siding conference.
- THE CAPS LOCK.
- A storage space filled with collectible teddy bears.
- Some sort of guerilla theater thing my wife planned for my 30th birthday but then gave up on.
- Some sex stuff I don’t want to get into on my blog.
Anyway, I’ll probably remember what this mystery key is for eventually. Until then, it’ll stay right here on my keychain between my key for the lobby and this key for the… um…
Huh, where’d this other key come from? COLLEEN, ARE YOU IN THE KITCHEN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS KEY IS FOR? NO, A SECOND KEY…
Quitting Smoking
I’ve never smoked. But, I’m a pretty cocky guy, so I figure I can come up with ways to help other people quit smoking. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s not like cigarettes are addictive or anything. Not like these gummi worms. Oh my god, these things are amazing!!!
Here are some tips to help you smokers quit being that:
- Set a date that you’ll quit by. Then, send yourself an expensive letterpress save-the-date for that upcoming day. You don’t want to have wasted all that letterpress money, do you? That’s 90 lb. linen cardstock.
- Cut back gradually. Quitting cold turkey simply doesn’t work, you goof.
- Quit cold turkey. You’re never going to quit if you keep smoking, goofus.
- Replace you oral fixation. Try sucking on something more socially acceptable. [Raises eyebrows suggestively and then winces in preparation for a slap to the face.]
- Carry a picture of your family. Remember, you’re quitting smoking so that you’ll be healthy enough to run away from your current family and find a new, better family.
- Avoid old “smoking buddies.” Especially Dirty Pete. That guy is no good, I tell you. HE’S NO GOOD!
- Visualize. Picture yourself on a deserted island. There are no more cigarettes. There’s nothing to smoke, so you are no longer a smoker. Wait, what’s this? A human skull?! Oh no! This must be one of those head hunter islands. Quick, start crafting coconut bombs and tiger pits. To the treehouse!
- Reward yourself. With constant workplace bathroom masturbation.
- Deep breathing. Just as when dealing with stress, take ten seconds to slowly breathe in and then out. NEVER OUT AND THEN IN!!
- Exercise. Not only will it help get you breathing again, but when you get in shape, people will want to have sex with you. Then who cares about smoking?
- Substitute. Whenever you feel like smoking a cigarette, try a baby carrot instead. They’re nearly impossible to light. Wacka wacka wacka. Wait, who just said wacka wacka wacka? Is somebody making fun of my advice? This is serious, you guys.
- Nicotine replacement. Try replacing cigarettes with nicotine gum or the patch or heroin.
- Clean your house. Getting rid of old ashtrays and lingering cigarette smells will help you avoid those triggers. Also, that macaroni stain has been on your couch for two years now. It’s probably time you took care of that.
- Find a buddy. There’s no need to try to do this all on your own. Here, when you’re feeling cravings, put your head in my lap. [Raises eyebrows suggestively and then winces in preparation for a slap to the face.]
That’s it. If you need any more tips to help you quit smoking, I’m sure I can come up with a bunch. I’ve got tons of opinions about everything. Even stuff I have no experience with. I’m super helpful in that way.
BBQ Results
Signs I overdid it at barbecue last night:
- Meat sweats
- Beer shits
- Collard shakes
- Butter pores
- Cornbread ear
- Macaroni jumbles
- Hotlinks toe
- Slaw twitch
- Slight biscuit burning
- Shortened ribs
- Enlarged yam
- Okra heaves
- Violent brisketting
It was totally worth it, though. Best six-months sober party I've ever had. And, believe me, I've had many.
The next one's planned for October 6th. You should swing by. It's going to be a rager. WE'RE GONNA GET WRECKED, SON!!
Rumors About the Arthur Remake
With the remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore film Arthur coming out this weekend, I wanted to address a few rumors floating around the Internet.
The original is, of course, a terrific film---funny, sweet, dryly witty in parts, and yes a little sappy. But, that's no excuse for the kind of rampant speculation regarding the new Russell Brand version. So, here are some of the rumors I've found online and their respective accuracy based on weeks of painstaking research:
The Arthur remake was filmed in two days during a rare "Blood Sun" eclipse. True
New translations find that the Mayan calendar actually ends on the release date of the Arthur remake. True
Pets have started fleeing neighborhoods with theaters screening the Arthur remake. True
Russell Brand has been quoted as saying he decided to put his spin on the title role while reading a biography of Pol Pot. False
A man in Cleveland was seen kicking his dog just as a nearby bus stop poster for the Arthur remake began glowing red. Unconfirmed (likely true)
Responsible theaters will be handing out dentist's office lead aprons at all screenings of the Arthur remake. True
When the studio exec who greenlit the Arthur remake walks into a room, all the women inside go barren. True
There were a record number of crew suicides on the set of the Arthur remake. True
Everyone attending a screening of the Arthur remake will contract eyeball herpes. False (numbers exaggerated)
The bloopers reel for the Arthur remake includes a flubbed take in which Russell Brand speaks Sumerian and vomits up thousands of baby sharks. True
The Arthur remake features a 20 minute close-up of Micky Rourke's gooch. True
Theaters showing the Arthur remake will be replacing their usual popcorn with the souls of Russian orphans. False
The Arthur remake contains pro-Al-Qaeda subliminal messages. False
If you say “the Arthur remake” three times in a mirror, you can see how you’ll die. False
Everyone on set had to sign a non-disclosure clause regarding a “mass memory loss event” that occurred during the Arthur remake’s wrap party. True
Burning sage in your home will stop any commercials for the Arthur remake from appearing on your television. False
While researching this blog post, my nose began to bleed what appears to be tar. True
I can hear distant voices whispering Gregorian chants in reverse while I type right now. True
A figure who looks like my grandfather except with a ram’s head and hands of green flame has appeared in the adjoining darkened room. He is warning me to stop writing about the Arthur remake. True
I can’t seem to… I can’t… ack acckkkk…
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“Save” Mother Earth
How to pretend to save the environment:
- Save electricity and water by asking that your guests reuse their towels after swimming in the heated outdoor pool.
- Recycle plastic shopping bags by turning them into children’s crafts projects that you will then wait a week before throwing away.
- Buy organic vegetables flown in from Argentina.
- Immediately throw away any incandescent lightbulbs or batteries that aren't rechargeable batteries.
- Make sure to compost all the farm share vegetables that you let rot in your fridge.
- Bumper stickers. Many, many bumper sticks.
- Lobby to have municipal bus lanes turned into bike lanes so you can ride your bike on weekend errands.
- Only drink bottled water that promises to use 10% less plastic than previous bottles.
- Support corn-based ethanol.
[Whoa, this post got snarky. I don't normally go for such raw, on-the-nose satire. It's definitely not my best work.
But, you know when you see somebody, and you just immediately hate them? Like, something in the way they're smiling makes you want to smack that smirk right off their face? Well, I just saw this kid---maybe eight years old, a boy, shoulder-length hair, probably named Hunter---and I knew that he needed to be punched.
He was wearing a t-shirt that read, "I love the Earth because She loves me." And, something about the way the "S" was capitalized and the way he was appraising the room like it belonged to him, like he'd had too much positive reinforcement---it made me just hate that little kid so much! Self-satisfied little shit. He's going to grow up to be so horrible.
So, I just needed to get some passive-aggression out with this post. That way, I would no longer feel the need to hunt down this random little boy and shake him and shake him until all he cries and admits he's gross. It's probably best for all of us that I not do that.
Anyway, in general, stop buying so much stuff and flying so often. Also, find a way to reduce packaging materials and construction waste. That'll be a good start.]
Car Accidents
Perfectly valid reasons for my 12 most recent car accidents:
1) Texting my friend Nate about this awesome dog I saw, which was awesome.
2) The car next to me had a spoiler, which I assumed meant he wanted to race.
3) Putting on vampire makeup in the rear view mirror on my way to a Twilight-themed group sex thingy.
4) Driving home from a movie that had a car chase.
5) Really big sneeze sprayed my bowl of boiling hot tomato soup all over the windshield.
6) Not drunk per se, but definitely not not drunk.
7) Minivan ahead of me had a particularly engrossing episode of The Backyardigans playing in the back seat.
8) General rage.
9) Wife’s cousin on a Hooters billboard.
10) Driving a convertible and a sparrow flew into my mouth.
11) Had a crush on one of the EMT first responders.
12) Was practicing driving left-footed.
Spring Cleaning Tips
Spring has arrived, bringing longer days and brighter sunshine. Which means you can finally see how disgustingly filthy your apartment or house has gotten. Geez, what have you been doing all winter? It looks like a bomb went off in here. Months ago. Is that a dust bunny in the corner or a gray tennis ball? Super gross.
Here are a few helpful spring cleaning tips:
- Dust from the top of the room down. Unless you’re some kind of goofus.
- You’re going to require more than a single sheet of paper towel. Budget at least three, unless they’re those weird half-sheet ones. I’m not sure what the math would be then … six, maybe?
- To get to hard-to-reach ceiling corners, limit your Match.com search to men over six foot five.
- Natural cleaning supplies like vinegar or baking soda can prove very helpful in creating frustration.
- Fresh shelf liners will make your silverware look even more tarnished by comparison, so avoid fresh shelf liners.
- If you’re worried about letting all the cold air out of your refrigerator while you clean it, simply climb inside and shut the door behind you. If you start to feel woozy in there, a nap should help.
- Lint rollers are great for cleaning dust off lamp shades. And, hydrogen peroxide should remove most of the blood.
- To keep your toilet clean year-round, simply eat bits on non-digestible, synthetic sponge every day, and the rest will take care of itself.
- This is a good time to replace the batteries in that fire alarm that always goes off IN THE MIDDLE OF COOKING ANYTHING, GODDAMNIT!
- Don’t skimp on a chimney sweep. The British ragamuffin ones have tuberculosis.
- Squeegees can be super helpful in cleaning your windows. And, free squeegees are easy to find, especially because---for some weird reason---people are always forgetting theirs at gas pumps.
- This is also a good time to check to see if the carpet matches the drapes. By which, I mean you should vacuum both.
- Clean the nest of cockroaches out of your toaster oven, by simply submerging it in a bucket of rubbing alcohol for three hours. (This may void the warranty.)
- A deep-sleeping Persian cat is a great way to dust aluminum blinds.
- When cleaning your many fine decanters and antique apothecary bottles, try not being such an uptight asshole.
- Beware the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The dark arts are the Devil’s inroad.
- Melted candle wax on a mattress or upholstered sex swing can be removed by placing a brown paper bag over the wax and ironing it. The paper should absorb most of the re-melted wax.
So, there you go. Your cleaning adventure awaits!
My Religion
For as long as I can remember, I've hopped around between different religions. I think it has something to do with my mother being a Catholic nun and my father being L. Ron Hubbard.
In my teens, I tried out Buddhism and Jewish Mysticism. Then, I got baptized a few times by both the Baptists and the Anabaptists. I handled some snakes. Standard stuff.
I tried Mormonism for awhile, because I thought the no drinking alcohol thing would help me lose weight. But, holy moley, those guys eat sooo much sherbet!
When I was twenty, I converted to Islam, which was great. They let me be a whirling dervish, because they said I was quote/unquote "super rad at spinning." That was probably my favorite up to that point. But, I get antsy, so I left.
I tried Baha’i, because I have never met a Baha’i follower who wasn't goddamn adorable. So friendly and smiley. And, that was awesome. Super happy as a Baha’i ... but…
When you get so close to perfection, it's like you can see the finish line up ahead. So, I decided to start my own religion.
It's only got a few guidelines, and they are as follows:
- We don't really have any dietary restrictions. Although, we do try to avoid olives and capers, just because they're gross. Also, if someone wants sun-dried tomatoes on a pizza, we insist on extra cheese.
- We only pray when we want a new iPad, or when we're late for a job interview.
- Our Sabbath falls on whichever day of the week is the sunniest. On that day, we hammock.
- We don’t believe in Heaven, but we do believe in Vietnamese sandwiches. So, close.
- We wear special magic underwear that makes our ass look great in these jeans.
- We do not believe in speaking aloud God’s real name, which is Henry F. Gunderson. OH NO!
- We believe in a strict separation of duties between the sexes. Only men shall perform card tricks; only women shall tie balloon animals.
- Reincarnation gets a solid “maybe” to “why not?”
- We do not believe in free will, as evidenced by this empty bag of potato chips.
- Our most sacred animal is the giraffe, because we thought we’d try to bolster its self confidence.
- We bury our dead in their most comfortable pajamas.
- We enjoy the occasional Agatha Christie novel.
Other than that, there aren’t many more rules to my religion---just another four hundred or so. But, most of those pertain to hammock etiquette. I’ll save that for a later post.
Amen.
Famous Misquotes
Famous misquote from throughout history and the arts:
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"We have nothing to fear but snakes." - Winston Churchill
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"One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind. But, to reiterate: one tiny step for me. No big whoop." - Neil Armstrong
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"Ich bin ein Dachshund." - John F. Kennedy
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"Let them eat cake and/or chicken pesto penne with artisanal parmesan and a hint of truffle oil, all of which comes with their choice of soup or a chef's salad." - Marie Antoinette
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"Today, I consider myself the pluckiest duck on the face of this big ol' shiny marble." - Lou Gehrig
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"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not get angry and pinch the backs of your legs?" - Shylock, Merchant of Venice
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"To err is human, to forgive---that's amore!" - Alexander Pope
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"We're not incandescent anymore." - Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz
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"Ask not what your country can do for you. Thank you." - Alternate Dimension Republican JFK (with evil goatee)
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"If this Plymouth is a'rockin', don't come a'knockin'." - Malcolm X
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"If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants fans to peek over the stadium wall." - Isaac Newton
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"A thing of beauty is a joyful thing of foreverness.™ Diamonds by Kay." - John Keats
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"Fools Rush In (1997 - Matthew Perry & Salma Hayek) Where Angels Fear to Tread (1991 - Helen Mirren & Judy Davis)." - Alexander Pope
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"Today's is a turkey sandwich that will live on in my tummy." FDR
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"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the... no some... wait, what was I saying? Goddamnit!" - Abraham Lincoln
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"Houston, we have a whoopsies." - Jim Lovell
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Proper Attire
Respectful attire and etiquette have gotten misplaced in our mixed-up, modern world. It used to be that men wore hats and ladies wore sundresses and bare feet. But, all that changed. Now, who knows what to wear?
So, as a man of impeccable refinement and taste, I have taken it upon myself to write this, a guide to proper attire in 2011. In each of these locations, consider the following as a sort of socially-accepted uniform for daily life.
The Office
Temporary Worker: Slacks or pencil skirt, blue button-down, dress shoes
Full-Time Employee: Slacks, sweater, black sneakers
IT Manager: SLAYER t-shirt, Cheetos-stained jean shorts, flip-flops
Shopping
Trader Joes: Yoga pants, Susan G. Komen t-shirt, library tote bag
Whole Foods: Wrap sweater, age-inappropriate leggings, pearls
The Container Store: Tennis skirt, diamond engagement ring, pink hoodie with raised Greek letters
Dining
Barbecue Joint: Something barbecue sauce-colored
Steakhouse: French cuff shirts and about forty extra pounds
French Restaurant: Stripped shirt, beret, neck scarf
The Theater
The Opera: Tuxedo, top hat, women's underwear
Broadway Musical: Spiderman sweatshirt, Spiderman baseball cap, Spiderman sippy cup
Movie Theater: Spiderman sweatshirt, Spiderman baseball cap, Spiderman sippy cup
Sporting Events
Golf Game: Golf shirt, golf shoes, protective cup
Kentucky Derby: Fez, leather bustier, pink camouflage kilt, foam finger
American Soccer Bar: Team scarf, team jersey, Anglophilic pretension
Ceremonies
Wedding: Wedding dress (bride), wedding suit (groom), SLAYER t-shirt and Cheetos-stained jean shorts (IT Manager cousin)
Graduation: Cap and gown, dress shoes, debt
Bat Mitzvah: An oversized tan pantsuit you’ll regret for the rest of your life
Home
The Living Room: Flannel pajamas
The Kitchen: Flannel pajamas
The Bedroom: Flannel pajamas? But I thought tonight was sexy night?