Substitute Nickname
Alright, ha ha ha, kids. Very funny. Ha ha. Settle down, class. I can see we need to have "the talk."
I'm going to repeat what I said my first day substituting for Mrs. Arnott: My name is Mister Turlinger. Here, I'll write it on the board. T-U-R-L-I-N-G-E-R. It's pronounced just like it looks. “Turlinger.”
Now, some of you have figured out that I'll turn around in response to the name "Mr. Turdlicker." Which is not my name. Again, my name is Turlinger. I’ll admit it does sound a tiny bit like the words turd licker, meaning someone who licks... turds.
Settle down. Quiet, everybody.
Additionally, I realize those times when I do turn around after hearing the name Mr. Turdlicker, I tend to have a goofy, expectant smile on my face. Like I’m excited to hear the nickname. I can understand how that might be extra funny to you kids.
Well, there's a simple explanation for that:
You see, I grew up with an older, cooler cousin named Bobby, and he used to call me "Turdlicker." We had different last names. And, while I first thought of it as an insult, one day Bobby defended me from a group of older bullies---the O’Meary Brothers. He fought off three of them at once and split Ryan O’Meary’s lip wide open. That’s when I realized Turdlicker was a term of brotherly affection.
So, when I hear the name Turdlicker and turn around to face the class, some part of me expects to see my cousin Bobby. But…
… Then do you notice how my expectant smile falls into a look of distant sadness? Like something in my heart grows heavy at remembering the name Mr. Turdlicker? [sigh]
When I was twelve and Bobby was sixteen, we were swimming in an old quarry out past the lumberyard. And, um… Bobby calls out, “HEY, TURDLICKER!” And, I turn around and see that Bobby has climbed this high outcropping on the southern edge of the quarry. “LOOK AT THIS!” he yells, and he lifts off in this cartoony, goofy imitation of a swan dive that is---in its very exaggeration---actually quite graceful.
I watch as he hangs for a moment in the air, and I feel this pang of jealously at his natural athleticism. Then Bobby’s face clouds as he spots something in the water below that I can’t see from where I am… And, then, everything happened so fast. Like I was looking out the window of a train as the world raced by...
I wasn’t a strong enough swimmer. If I could have gotten there just a couple of seconds sooner…
I could have just, um…
I, uh…
Alright, some of you kids are crying now, and I didn’t mean for that. Like I said before, we’re here to make Calculus fun! Right?!
So, here’s what we’re gonna do: Let’s come up with some different silly nicknames you guys can call me. That way, Mister Turdlicker isn’t so tempting. Sound good?
How about “Mister To Linger,” like maybe I linger too long on Calculus proofs? Or Mister Fur Finger? Mister Furry Finger. Or, how about Mister Hurlinger? Do kids still call vomiting hurling?
Can anybody else come up with a playful bastardization of Turlinger? Anybody…
[sigh] “Turtle Dicker.”
Yes, Scott, that is a valid nickname. I’ve actually heard that one before. And, I can see from the class’s reaction that Mister Turtle Dicker will probably be the one to take hold. Which is fine, I guess.
Alright! Settled, everybody? Let’s call a truce and unofficially agree that the class will go with Mister Turtle Dicker until Mrs. Arnott comes back from maternity leave.
Now, if we can, let’s gets back to linear operators and how they relate to derivative functions…
Rumors About the Arthur Remake
With the remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore film Arthur coming out this weekend, I wanted to address a few rumors floating around the Internet.
The original is, of course, a terrific film---funny, sweet, dryly witty in parts, and yes a little sappy. But, that's no excuse for the kind of rampant speculation regarding the new Russell Brand version. So, here are some of the rumors I've found online and their respective accuracy based on weeks of painstaking research:
The Arthur remake was filmed in two days during a rare "Blood Sun" eclipse. True
New translations find that the Mayan calendar actually ends on the release date of the Arthur remake. True
Pets have started fleeing neighborhoods with theaters screening the Arthur remake. True
Russell Brand has been quoted as saying he decided to put his spin on the title role while reading a biography of Pol Pot. False
A man in Cleveland was seen kicking his dog just as a nearby bus stop poster for the Arthur remake began glowing red. Unconfirmed (likely true)
Responsible theaters will be handing out dentist's office lead aprons at all screenings of the Arthur remake. True
When the studio exec who greenlit the Arthur remake walks into a room, all the women inside go barren. True
There were a record number of crew suicides on the set of the Arthur remake. True
Everyone attending a screening of the Arthur remake will contract eyeball herpes. False (numbers exaggerated)
The bloopers reel for the Arthur remake includes a flubbed take in which Russell Brand speaks Sumerian and vomits up thousands of baby sharks. True
The Arthur remake features a 20 minute close-up of Micky Rourke's gooch. True
Theaters showing the Arthur remake will be replacing their usual popcorn with the souls of Russian orphans. False
The Arthur remake contains pro-Al-Qaeda subliminal messages. False
If you say “the Arthur remake” three times in a mirror, you can see how you’ll die. False
Everyone on set had to sign a non-disclosure clause regarding a “mass memory loss event” that occurred during the Arthur remake’s wrap party. True
Burning sage in your home will stop any commercials for the Arthur remake from appearing on your television. False
While researching this blog post, my nose began to bleed what appears to be tar. True
I can hear distant voices whispering Gregorian chants in reverse while I type right now. True
A figure who looks like my grandfather except with a ram’s head and hands of green flame has appeared in the adjoining darkened room. He is warning me to stop writing about the Arthur remake. True
I can’t seem to… I can’t… ack acckkkk…
.
Real Estate Joke
Awhile back, I posted the greatest joke ever written. Yesterday, I wrote the second greatest joke. What exactly do I mean by second greatest? Does it mean second from the top? The penultimate joke? Or is it the second greatest as in an additional, equally greatest joke of all time?
I'll let you guys decide:
(Read aloud.)
Q: What are Fozzie Bear's three rules for buying real estate in Mexico?
A: Oaxaca Oaxaca Oaxaca.
You're welcome, world. You're welcome.
April Fools’ Day
Hey, guys, I have a great idea for an April Fools’ Day prank this year. I think we should murder people!
I know, right? Such a funny prank. I love coming up with prank ideas for April First. I mean it's like, "Hello? Don't you doofuses remember what day it is? You so deserve all the embarrassment of getting murdered.”
Oh my god, can you imagine the looks on their face when we murder them? They'll be all like, "Whaaa? Are you murdering me? I so totally didn't expect that." And, we'll be all like, "Yeah, boom! Prank!" Ha ha ha ha! Priceless.
I figure we'll dress up all in black tracksuits with pantyhose over our heads. And, we'll draw grinning devil faces in lipstick over the pantyhose and we’ll use ceremonial knives---totally create a sense of authenticity to the prank. Really do it up, full-prankster-style.
Oh man, this is gonna be awesome! Remember last April First, when we lit that orphanage on fire? Such a funny prank. All those orphans were out on the lawn crying, and we ran up and were all like, "Dude, you guys are so pranked! Ha haa!" The looks on their faces!
And, by the time the police came, we had all snuck down into the sewers, where we've been living for the past twelve months planning our next prank. Remember that? Remember how we built a civilization down here based on discarded food scraps and watching YouTube videos of flash mobs?
And, we've been planning a new world order where we---the hilarious prankers---terrorize the plebeian, fool populace.
Well, now is the time to rise up and deliver our devastating endgame prank! Now is the time to return to the surface world and begin our thousand years of despotic, prank-filled rule!
Rise up, my army! Rise, pranksters! Rise, punkers! Rise funsters and cut-ups! Rise, goofballs and thugs, jackasses and guerilla theaterists! Join me in arms.
The drumbeat commences on the horizon. Lo, it portends our advance. The hounds of prank strain against their leash. Can you hear their roar? I said, CAN YOU HEAR THEIR ROAR?!!
GRAB YOUR WEAPONS, BROTHERS! PICK UP KNIFE AND AXE, WHOOPIE CUSHION AND RUBBER CHICKEN! NOW IS THE TIME! TODAY IS THE DAY OF FOOLS’ RECKONING!
TODAY, MY PRANSTERS… TODAY WE PRANK!
Lost Map
Folks? Hello, folks? Everyone, can I please have your attention for a minute? Then, I promise you can get back to bingo.
I seem to have lost a map I was carrying, and I was wondering if you all could look around your bingo tables for it. If anyone sees a map or scroll-like object, can you raise your hand and let me know? It is not a rare and ancient treasure map.
The map I lost was yellowed and a bit water-damaged around the edges. Kinda like a map that survived battles aboard a pirate ship and then centuries buried under a hearth in an empty rum bottle. It's not valuable or anything, so no reason to keep it for yourself. It just has a sentimental value. It was my ... great- ... uncle's.
Let's see, what else? The map I lost---again, just a perfectly normal map, nothing special---had a series of riddles written in iambic pentameter and salty Caribbean pidgin. By coincidence, the final riddle refers to a trading post that once stood upon the very site of this modern nursing home. Weird coincidence.
Anyhoo, has anyone spotted anything like that? Like a map that---once one toils for years solving the many complex riddles to find its true starting place---has a simple dotted line leading to a large "X" that implies buried treasure? I can't offer much of a reward for it, since it’s not worth very much. Just my gratitude and maybe a handful of precious rubies.
Oh, I see everyone is clearing out of the room, grabbing any tools or utensils at hand. I assume that’s simply excitement about afternoon gardening, since again, this map of mine is not a treasure map. Okay, okay. Let’s calm down, people. LET’S CALM DOWN!
AND, IF ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THAT MAP … IF ANY OF YOU … Aw, fuck it! OUT OF MY WAY, OLD MAN!
My Second Time Sexting
- Hello? Is this Pamela?
_ Hi!! What’s up?
- Is this for sure Pamela?
_ Duh. Yeah.
_ Thought we had a date to sext an hour ago? Ha ha.
- We did. Ha ha. Sorry. Got tied up.
_ Ooh, “tied up.” Sexy.
- Ha ha. Would you like to start sexting now?
_ Absolutely! Sext me, big boy.
- Just to double-check: This is for sure Pamela?
_ Who else?
- Nevermidn. What are you wearing?
_ Don’t you mean “Nevermind”? Ha ha.
- OMG, your editing is so sexy!
_ Hold on…
_ Just Googled "OMG." Got it.
- Means “Oh my God” right?
_ Yes.
_ Also, did quick research on sexting. did you know capitalization optional? ha ha.
- Had heard that somewhere.
_ feels weird, though.
- So? What are you wearing?
_ Work clothes. Beige shell. Navy pantsuit. Espadrilles. You?
- Same. JK [read: just kidding] ;)
_ Emoticons! Look at Mr. Savvy Sexter!
_ Ha ha.
_ My pussy is wet.
- WHOA!!!
_ Too much? Sorry.
_ 1st time sexting.
- No, it’s good. Good job sexting.
_ Thanks. R U hard?
- Working on it.
- Yes.
- Wait… now yes.
_ Ooh.
_ Send me a pic?
- This is for sure Pamela??
_ Yes. Send me a photo of your big boy?
- Hold on…
- New phone. Sorry.
_ I’m touching my boobs for you. Pic?
- Searching online for phone manual …
_ Need help?
_ Tried Mac forums?
- Found it. Sending pic…
- Got it?
_ No.
- Now?
_ It’s OK. Forget it.
_ Taking off my trousers.
- NO WAIT! Not ‘til I figure out pic thing…
_ Ha ha. OK I guess.
_ Pussy getting less wet.
- Figured it out. Sending now…
- Got it?
_ Downloading…
_ What’s this?
- Pic of my “big boy”
- [Quote marks mean quotation. Not irony re: size.]
_ I think wrong pic.
_ Old lady blowing out candles.
- Whoops. Wrong pic.
- Sorry.
_ Who is lady?
- Aunt who raised me.
- Love her, but distant & withholding.
_ Sorry to hear.
_ Send correct pic?
- Thought I did. Checking outbox…
- OH NO!!!
_ What?! R U OK?
- Pic sent. Wrong number.
- Need to call aunt right now.
- Sorry.
_ No more sexting?
_ Hello?
_ Everything OK?
_ Hello?
_ Hello? It’s been 2 hours. U OK?
_ Going to bed now. See you at conference on 23rd, big boy.
- Pamela? Still up?
- Oh. Now see previous text.
- See you at the conference, sexy.
- Goodnight.
My First Time Sexting
- Ready?
- I guess. For what?
- This is my first time sexting. I’m a little nervous.
_ Don’t be. You’ll be great, Sexy.
- So um what are you wearing?
_ A black sweeter and a par of red undies.
- What’s a sweeter? It sounds sexy.
_ Sweater. lol
- Oh right. LOL.
_ What r u wearing?
- A business suit, except no pants or underwear. Black socks.
_ Um…
- I mean, manly jeans and an old cotton t-shirt.
_ Ooh, that sound sexy.
- You mean “sounds” sexy.
_ right whatever
- And earlier, you probably meant a “pair” of red undies.
_ sure yup
- Which is sexy.
_ ooh yeah. real sexy
- Are we not capitalizing? Is that a thing?
_ Fine. Where are you? R u touching yourself?
- Did I make you mad? Sorry. Again, 1st time sexting.
_ Its fine. R u touching yurself??
- A little, but I got distracted by punctuation and grammar.
- Can we keep on top of that? Sorry. It’s just that I used to be a copy editor at the college newspaper.
- Also “it’s.”
_ Yes. I will try. Now, please, are you touching yourself sexually?
- Yeah. And it feles so good, baby.
_ WTF? R U kidding me? Feles? After yur grammar diatribe?
- That was just a typo. Sorry.
- Hello? Still there?
- Mad?
- Hello?
_ not mad. Just stepped away for a smoke.
- OK. Good.
_ wanna start back upp from where we left off?
- Oh, that’s OK. I finished up while you were gone.
_ really???
- I have a thing for distant, withholding women.
_ women? Whadya mean women?
- Wait. Who is this? Pamela?
_ Pamela who? This is Patrick.. From raquetball.
- Oh, hey Patrick. This has been you the whole time?
_ yup. who’s pamela?
- Nevermind. Getting used to new phone.
- Still on for Saturday at 4pm?
_ yeah. reserved the court. who’s pamela???
- I gotta go. See you Saturday.
_ okay. talk Saturday, sexy.
“Save” Mother Earth
How to pretend to save the environment:
- Save electricity and water by asking that your guests reuse their towels after swimming in the heated outdoor pool.
- Recycle plastic shopping bags by turning them into children’s crafts projects that you will then wait a week before throwing away.
- Buy organic vegetables flown in from Argentina.
- Immediately throw away any incandescent lightbulbs or batteries that aren't rechargeable batteries.
- Make sure to compost all the farm share vegetables that you let rot in your fridge.
- Bumper stickers. Many, many bumper sticks.
- Lobby to have municipal bus lanes turned into bike lanes so you can ride your bike on weekend errands.
- Only drink bottled water that promises to use 10% less plastic than previous bottles.
- Support corn-based ethanol.
[Whoa, this post got snarky. I don't normally go for such raw, on-the-nose satire. It's definitely not my best work.
But, you know when you see somebody, and you just immediately hate them? Like, something in the way they're smiling makes you want to smack that smirk right off their face? Well, I just saw this kid---maybe eight years old, a boy, shoulder-length hair, probably named Hunter---and I knew that he needed to be punched.
He was wearing a t-shirt that read, "I love the Earth because She loves me." And, something about the way the "S" was capitalized and the way he was appraising the room like it belonged to him, like he'd had too much positive reinforcement---it made me just hate that little kid so much! Self-satisfied little shit. He's going to grow up to be so horrible.
So, I just needed to get some passive-aggression out with this post. That way, I would no longer feel the need to hunt down this random little boy and shake him and shake him until all he cries and admits he's gross. It's probably best for all of us that I not do that.
Anyway, in general, stop buying so much stuff and flying so often. Also, find a way to reduce packaging materials and construction waste. That'll be a good start.]
Low Key – March 27, 2011
Author's Note: This is the last Low Key I'll be doing for the site. It's been really fun revisiting these, and I'm grateful for The Apiary for carrying them on their blog.
I still love writing the puns, but drawing and coloring these takes a lot of time. And, I want to use that reclaimed time to do new, fun things, like hopefully more videos and audio pieces. Also, I'm kicking it into high gear pitching pieces to other publications. So... I hope you've enjoyed the puns. Maybe I'll pull together a book of them someday.
---Andy
Car Accidents
Perfectly valid reasons for my 12 most recent car accidents:
1) Texting my friend Nate about this awesome dog I saw, which was awesome.
2) The car next to me had a spoiler, which I assumed meant he wanted to race.
3) Putting on vampire makeup in the rear view mirror on my way to a Twilight-themed group sex thingy.
4) Driving home from a movie that had a car chase.
5) Really big sneeze sprayed my bowl of boiling hot tomato soup all over the windshield.
6) Not drunk per se, but definitely not not drunk.
7) Minivan ahead of me had a particularly engrossing episode of The Backyardigans playing in the back seat.
8) General rage.
9) Wife’s cousin on a Hooters billboard.
10) Driving a convertible and a sparrow flew into my mouth.
11) Had a crush on one of the EMT first responders.
12) Was practicing driving left-footed.