Tips to Avoid the Flu
Influenza season will soon be here. I can tell, because pharmacy ads have turned sinister. How can you avoid becoming a vomiting snot-zombie this winter? By following these helpful tips:
- Wash your hands often with soap. Chinchilla-style dust baths don't count.
- Drink plenty of water or water-like branded sports drinks.
- Avoid shaking hands. Instead, try Eskimo kisses.
- Wear a medical face mask or, if you can afford it, a full Hazmat suit at all times.
- Ask yourself, "What Would Howard Hughes Do?"
- Stay away from crowded places, like your mom's bedroom. BURN!
- Maybe taste isn't the best way to identify mystery liquids on the subway.
- If you see someone who looks sick, hold your breath and cross your fingers as you pass by.
- Boil your nose every night before bed.
- Avoid little germ-incubating toddlers. Including your own.
- Make a voodoo doll of yourself and submerge it in orange juice.
- Get eight to eighteen hours of sleep per night.
- Use antibiotic cleaners. They won't do anything about the flu, but they will create a super resistant strain of staphylococcus, which will help curb overpopulation.
- If you see a suspicious germ, alert a police officer or call 311.
- Have you ever tried a neti pot? Oh my god, it's like an orgasm in your nose.
- Speaking of which, there's this crazy Internet video I'll show you next time you come over to my apartment.
- Laughter is the best fake medicine. Even better than chiropracty.
- Stop being such a pussy, and just get the vaccination shot already.
Air Travel Tips
I just bought some plane tickets, because of a botched murder attempt. (Don’t worry about it.) And, it got me thinking about air travel.
I love flying. So many people hate it—the long lines, the security, the cramped space—but not me. I’ve figured out how to fly right, and I’m happy to share my many helpful tips. But, it’ll have to be quick, because this fake moustache won’t stay on forever.
Flying tips:
- A pleasant flight starts with proper luggage. You want to make sure your plastic shopping bag filled with underwear and golf clubs fits into the overhead compartment. Practice by shoving it as hard as you can into your toaster oven.
- Get to the airport at least two to nine hours prior to your flight.
- The TSA doesn’t allow liquids over three ounces. Unless it’s medicine. Just calmly explain that you get very sick and shaky without your Olde English 800 malt liquor.
- Airport security has started using imaging scanners that can see right through your clothes. So, before you get in line, you’ll want to fluff a little.
- Look at your boarding pass for your zone number. The higher the number, the less of a person you are.
- Make as much eye-contact with the flight attendants as you can, or else they might think you’re a terrorist. Never let them break eye-contact, no matter how sweaty you get.
- Remember to buckle your seatbelt, because flying is against God and Nature’s will.
- Use of electronic devices is not allowed during takeoff. Apparently, this includes using a hot plate, though I don’t understand why the stewardess had to be such a bitch about it.
- Ask for a blanket right away, in case all that fluffing in line got you in the mood.
- The Skymall Catalogue is a great resource for anyone looking to buy sunglasses with a built-in video camera. Or a miniature Stature of Liberty with a built-in hot dog cooker. Or pretty much anything with built-in something-or-other.
- If the baby behind you starts crying, lean your seat back as far as you can to let its parents know that you mean business.
- Don’t fall asleep before the drink cart comes by. What, you fell asleep?! Oh man! You just wasted like seventy-five cents!
- During landing, a good way to equalize ear pressure is by putting on your snorkel mask and making honking sounds like a goose. I promise.
- Stand up as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off. Wait in the aisle so that other people can’t get their bags. It’s important that you do this. It will get you off the plane a full five seconds earlier.
- At the baggage claim, grab your pet tiger and get the hell out of there.
Dealing With Stress
Everybody has a something that stresses them out--a trigger that makes them feel like the world's closing in around them. For instance, my trigger is everything.
However, you can move past your stress. When it feels like an invisible hand is squeezing your heart and you might dump in your pants (Everyone feels that way, right? It's not just me?) here are a few tips to help you de-stress:
- RELAX!!! Jesus Christ, it's just stress! Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.
- Try breathing into a paper bag or dry cleaning bag taped around your neck.
- One part scotch, two parts ice.
- Put your head between your knees and have someone rub your back. Nobody too attractive, though, or that might make you more nervous.
- Go for a quiet walk. 12 to 15 miles oughta do it.
- Deconstruct exactly what it is that's making you anxious. Really wallow in a loop of thinking about why you're anxious.
- Concentrate on your breathing. It should be in then out. Never out then in!
- A pet can be very calming. My ferret, for instance, soothes me with its disgusting musk smell and biting.
- Jazzercise.
- Picture in your mind a peaceful, tropical island with a calm breeze. Alright, now let's imagine some rum and pirate treasure. And, I don't know, free HBO or something.
- Try a warm bath with scented candles and guilty masturbation.
- Make a list of all the things you can do to fix whatever is bothering you. Wow, look at all that stuff you should have done by now. Why didn't you do any of that? Well, it's too late now. That's a long list.
Good luck. If none of this works (Which it didn’t for me. I’m a wreck.) then Walgreens has a good deal on generic Pepto this week.
Preventing Bed Bugs
A lot of people think the only way you can get bed bugs is by having sex with a bedbug or sharing a dirty needle with a bed bug. Wrong. You can catch bed bugs from anywhere--offices, hotels, girls named Jessica. They're unavoidable. Here are a few tips for avoiding bed bugs:
- If you hear yourself saying the words, "Hey, free mattress!" stop and count to ten. Is that free curb mattress worth getting bed bugs? It might be. Depends on the mattress.
- Subways and cabs are perfect carriers for bed bugs. Never leave your house.
- Put thrift store purchases in your freezer for a week to kill any bed bugs. Don’t worry, that yellow velour trench coat will still be awesome next week.
- Take apart your bed frame every night and shake it out the window.
- Bed bugs don't just live in your bed—they often live in your picture frames. Sorry, photo of grandma, you gotta go.
- I think it’s time to finally start washing your clothes.
- Bed bugs can live for a year without eating. That one’s more of a trivia fact than a tip, but it’s pretty interesting, right?
- Bed bugs like dark, warm nooks and crannies. Tape up all your crannies.
- Constantly blast Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman at all hours. Bed bugs hate that song.
- If you stay at a hotel where the staff is itchy and grumpy, wear your scuba wetsuit to bed.
- When travelling, never set your suitcase down onto a pile of bed bugs.
- Buy a plastic mattress cover. If you’re embarrassed to tell the store clerk about bed bugs, just tell him you’re incontinent.
- Vacuum often in erratic patterns the bed bugs can’t predict.
- When a friend tells you she has bed bugs, she is no longer your friend. She’s something else. Remove the head or destroy the brain.
- When renting a new place, check the Internet for bed bug complaints. Try not to get distracted by all the pornography online, otherwise you’ll never …
Barbecue Tips
Blam, it’s barbecue season! Actually, it started a while ago, but it took me awhile to pass my barbecue license test. Now I’m grilling for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Also dessert and afternoon snack… and late night snack… and even later night snack. I’m pretty much constantly barbecuing.
During all that sleepless practice, I learned a buttload of barbecue tips. And, guess what? That’s right; I’m passing them along to you! Grab your tongs, because here we go:
- Only barbecue outdoors in a grill. Never fill your kitchen sink with charcoal and light it, even though that seems to make perfect sense.
- Brush the grate with cooking oil. Otherwise, food will stick to it like a goddamn, stupid sonofabitch.
- Never use more than four bottles of lighter fluid. In fact, probably just stick to using part of one bottle.
- Give your charcoal about 30 minutes to heat up/cool down. Do not watch it while it’s trying to heat up; it gets nervous when people are watching.
- Add aromatic hardwood to the charcoals to give the food a smoky flavor, you yuppie.
- You can marinate chicken in almost anything. I like Caesar salad dressing, but you could try teriyaki sauce or lemon juice or Legos or zippers. (Be sure to remove any Lego pieces before grilling.)
- Some people grill fish instead. No skin off my nose.
- Have a spray bottle of water handy in case your grill flares up. Or, in case a wet t-shirt contest flares up. Fingers crossed.
- Always have a barbecue buddy watch to make sure you don’t get too obsessed with grilling.
- You can grill tater tots on a sheet of tin foil. Yeah, that’s right—I just blew your fucking minds.
- Use a pair of tongs to flip your food. If you do it with your bare hands, the ER doctor will lecture you for like an hour while he wraps the bandages.
- That lecture is almost always about being drunk, by the way. Super boring.
- Avoid loose, flammable clothing while grilling. Like, say, a cheap Halloween wizard’s costume with an awesome pointy cap.
- Use a meat thermometer to test if the meat is cooked enough. Unless you’re manly enough to just know. Are you manly enough?
- Allow the meat to rest before serving. It’s been through a lot.
- Serve meat with some token vegetables so that you can pretend barbecuing is healthy.
- Have your teenage son clean the grill afterward. It’ll teach him a good lesson in resentment.
- Repeat and enjoy.
Planting Dont’s and Dont’s
I’m not very good at raising plants. Every plant I’ve ever owned has dies a slow and painful death. (I’m just guessing about the painful part; I don’t think plants have nervous systems, but I clearly can’t trust my judgment when it comes to plants.)
So, instead of giving you guys advice on how to grow a houseplant, I thought I’d give you tips on how not to grow a houseplant:
1) Don’t yell at your plant too much. But, don’t yell at it too little. I’ve made both mistakes.
2) Don’t try to stretch your plant to make it grow faster.
3) Don’t accidently microwave your plant.
4) Don’t name your plant a girl’s name if it’s clearly a boy plant. It’ll be embarrassed around other plants.
5) Don’t let your plant watch you eat vegetables. Apparently, that scars it psychologically.
6) Don’t give your plant too much chocolate syrup. It’ll become a spoiled brat and start inviting ants to your apartment without permission.
7) Don’t expect edible tomatoes in the first month. Especially if it’s a cactus.
8) Don’t take your plant on bike rides unless you have really strong tape for the handlebars.
9) Don’t talk about money problems in front of your plant.
10) Don’t forget where you hid your plant during Hide & Seek.
11) Don’t wait until it’s too late to have the pollens and the bees talk with your plant.
12) Don’t make your own manure.
13) Don’t leave your pet deer unsupervised with your plants.
14) Don’t try hydroponic growing until you look up what hydroponic means.
15) Don’t keep adding more and more dirt.
16) Don’t use the Super Soaker at full blast to water the plant.
17) Don’t not listen to this advice.
That’s it. Good luck and happy mulching.
Moving Tips: Part Two
Continuing yesterday's tips about moving, here are a few thoughts for after the move:
1) By the end of the day, your movers will hate you. Don't be upset. They have good reason; you own too much shit. It actually is gross how much stuff you own.
2) Don't try to engage your movers in conversation. Their job is to move your stuff, not appease your yuppie guilt. And, it's not a sign of solidarity that you once helped your friends move a hide-a-bed.
3) Unpack your wine glasses and pajamas first. The rest can wait until tomorrow.
4) Prepare yourself for the full and very real realization as to the number of socks you own. Holy crap, that's alotta socks!
5) You female friends will offer to come over to help unpack. It's because they want to look through your private things. They don't know that's the reason behind their urge to help. It's evolution. Hide your dildos.
6) Ignore the naked shut-in next door. You'll get used to him just like you got used to the constant smell of cumin at the last place.
7) Discussing possible furniture arrangements is a fun and easy way to break up your marriage.
8) Take time to explore your new neighborhood. Alright, that's enough. Back to watching TV. Mad Men is starting back up.
9) Don't expect your first blog post after a long day of moving to be very long or even that funny.
Moving Tips: Part One
The wife and I are in the middle of cramming everything we own into a series of smaller and smaller boxes. In the process, I’ve learned a few tips to help you with your next move. Enjoy:
1) Hire movers. Don’t be a prideful asshole.
2) Start packing early. We packed all our dishes months ago, and we’ve been eating with our fingers straight out of the pot. Mostly mac & cheese.
3) Bath towels are great for wrapping fragile things—things like your emotions during a move.
4) The cable company wants your DVR box back. So, I guess you’ll never get to watch that documentary about cat groomers from three years ago.
5) You might be worried about your flatscreen breaking during transport. Simply take a hammer and smash it. There, no more worrying.
6) Wardrobe boxes are great for making forts. But, wait until after the move, or else your wife will get mad.
7) Make sure to pack the new apartment keys at the bottom of a box to keep them safe from thieves. And, don’t label which box, just in case.
8) Try not to impose human emotions onto any furniture you dump onto the curb. I’m sure your bed isn’t sad about being carelessly tossed aside. After all those years together. It’s not sad at all. Sniff.
9) Lamps. Meh. You probably won’t need them in the new place.
10) Try to choose the hottest day of the summer to move. I have faith you can do it.
11) If you’re worried about not getting your security deposit back, just fuck it. Paintball party!
12) There’s no point in moving a half jar of pickle relish to your new place. So grab a spoon and dig in.
13) You are going to run out of tape. Prepare yourself mentally going in. Don’t try to trick Fate buying twice the amount of tape. You’ll just be doubly crushed when it runs out.
14) Don’t lift with your back, lift with your niece. (ie. Get your five-year-old niece to hold one end of the armoire.)
15) Fill in any nail holes in your wall with nails. It’s a surprisingly perfect fit.
16) Remember: Don’t go crazy if something breaks or goes missing. It’s all just stuff. Expensive, irreplaceable stuff.
That’s it. Good luck with your move. Come back tomorrow for unpacking tips.
Tips to Beat the Heat
Here are a few tips for keeping cool in this summer’s stupid hot heat:
- Place a cold compress on the back of your neck.
- Find a shady area.
- Avoid strenuous activities, like triathlons or World’s Strongest Man competitions.
- Drink plenty of water. Remember: Gatorade is only for teenage boys and hillbillies.
- Light colors reflect the sunlight. Paint yourself titanium white.
- Wear a wide-brimmed hat, like that novelty foam cowboy hat I won for you at Six Flags. Remember? I got three 100-point shots at Skeeball! Three in one game!
- Never leave a pet in a parked car. Unless it’s a potentially delicious pet chicken.
- Wear lightweight, loose-fitting clothing despite it being Comic-Con and you having glued all that rad shit to your unitard.
- Avoid drinking alcohol, which actually dehydrates you. Also, you’re a mean drunk.
- Use your trunk to fling cooling mud onto your back.
- Stay inside someplace air-conditioned, even though the only thing playing at 2:30 is The Last Airbender, which everyone says sucks.
- Carry around a parasol and say things like, “My my, I do believe I’ve caught the vapors.”
- Frozen custard five times a day.
- Make friends with someone who owns a boat. Do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.
- My thirteen-year-old nephew wants me to inform you that in New York State, it is legal for ladies to go topless.
- Put your bed sheets in the freezer. Mattress too.
- Check in on elderly neighbors, who are more prone to heat stroke. Maybe you’ll get a Werther’s Original out of it.
- Cut open a polar bear and climb inside.
That’s it for now. Stay cool, guys. Stay cool forever.
How to Avoid Mosquito Bites
Summer is here in full force, and it has brought along thousands of mosquitoes. Every year, the darn things declare war on our backyard barbecues. Here are a few helpful tips to avoid getting your asses chewed up by goddamn mosquitoes:
- Mosquitoes breed in standing water. Make sure your backyard has proper drainage.
- Avoid the outdoors at dusk or dawn, times when many mosquitoes are most active.
- Mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide you exhale. So, try to avoid doing that.
- Wear loose-fitting clothing that covers your arms and legs. Because, mosquitoes are creeped out by sexual ambiguity and not knowing what gender they’re biting.
- Also, avoid bright or dark colors. You know what would be good? The khaki tunic you wore when you were in that cult. Maybe you should get that out. Unless it brings back too many memories.
- Try burning a citronella candle. Move it around every 10 to 30 seconds to stay downwind.
- Avoid making eye contact with a mosquito. It’ll think you’re asking for it.
- Catch mosquitoes mid-air with a pair of chopsticks.
- Mosquitoes are also attracted to scented detergents and strong perfumes. Sorry, old ladies.
- Eat tons of garlic and wear a garlic necklace. When you stop to think about it, mosquitoes are just tiny vampires. Tiny, sexy vampires that want to suck your blood and maybe fight a werewolf for your affection.
- Bug zappers don’t really kill mosquitoes. Bug zappers just kill moths and also my co-worker’s Uncle Rudy when one fell into his hot tub.
- Wear a mosquito net draped over you at all times. This works so well, you can go ahead and be totally nude underneath. Whatever floats your boat.
- DEET is a powerful, harsh chemical that works like a charm. It not only deters mosquitoes, but it also slowly kills their food source.
- Instead of DEET, some people apply essential oils like lavender, eucalyptus, or tea tree oil. These people are weird hippies who will try to give you a backrub.
- Buy a bird feeder to attract mosquito-eating birds. Don’t put any birdseed in the feeder, or the birds may fill up on seeds. Stupid birds.
- Finally, simply be one of those people who doesn’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Stop being such a wimp.