One-Year Anniversary!
Heeeeyy! It's the one-year anniversary of me starting this blog! Hey, look at that, you guys ... Heeeeyy!
When I first started this project, the point was to write something funny every single day. Not just tweets or jokes, but something substantial and unique like a Shouts & Murmurs-style essay or a funny list or a video or a comic. And, I've done just that every day since.
[Well, after a while, I remembered I had a wife, and I started taking off Saturdays. Then, I took time off for the two holiest of holidays---Christmas and Monroe Wisconsin's Cheese Days Festival. But, other than that...]
This year hasn't simply been about writing a blog and starting a storytelling show and getting a new job and moving. [Oh my god, I'm so tired.] I've also had a series of everyday adventures. It's been a pretty big year for ol' Andy "Rad Tad" Ross.
Here's a list of things I've done/accomplished over the past year of writing this blog:
- I learned two chords on Colleen's ukulele. I also invented a third, extremely dissonant chord that might not technically be a chord but has promise.
- I gained twenty pounds for a movie role. Alright, home video role.
- I saw a really awesome dog on 8th Street and the park.
- Through careful Googling, I've gained a shaky understanding of awhile vs. a while.
- I legally changed my name to Commodore Baby Boy Ross. For tax purposes.
- I had a conversation with a stranger without nervously vomiting on his/her shoes.
- I learned how to ice skate, finally justifying this sequined leotard.
- I masturbated my way out of a clinical depression.
- I fell asleep at the opera twice, nearly doubling last year's record.
- I stopped drinking soda. Except when thirsty.
- I perfected my impression of Patrick Stewart's impression of Dana Carvey's impression of George Bush. It's pretty great.
- I briefly ran out of Thai spicy ketchup.
- I traded places with my royal doppelganger but found his clothes too itchy around the neck.
- I finally switched beard conditioners, which was terrifying.
- I mated a camel with a llama.
- I'm sorry, that last one should read "mated with a camel and a llama."
- I wore every one of my socks.
- I remained the Greatest Wedding Dancer Alive.
It's been a pretty big year, you guys. Thank you for reading the blog. It continues to be a lot of fun.
Let’s make this next year the Year of the Share Button. Whad’ya say?
Confessions of a Spambot
Hey guys, I think it’s time that I come clean about something. Are you sitting down? Okay... I’m a spambot. I’m an automated computer program designed to gather information and spread unsolicited marketing messages. I’m sorry to have lied to you all.
You see, this entire blog is nothing but an elaborate ruse, or "the long-game" as we spambots like to call it. All these humorous essays are actually just a string of mathematical variables---4% absurdism, 17% double entendres, 8% 1990s pop culture references. I’m not really a comedy writer at all, just a series of ones and zeros. I guess this means I passed the Turing test. I feel terrible about it.
The whole point of all this was to make you believe that you weren’t actually receiving a series of ultra-subtle marketing messages. I bet many of you didn’t even notice that since you’ve started reading this blog, you’ve been buying 23% more beard conditioner on average.
“But wait,” a few of you might be saying, “I’ve met the author in real life. And, the dancing videos.” Well, um, that’s an actor hired to play the role of Andy Ross. His real name is Chip Brockwell, and I found him through the Julliard alumni database. He had to gain thirty pounds for the role.
Listen, I feel terrible about abusing your trust. I can’t imagine what you must feel like having been fooled by a spambot for so long. The echoes of all those laughs must ring hollow in your ears. I am so sorry. I can only hope that you take some small comfort in the lustrous shine and newfound volume of your beards.
If you want to stop reading, I understand. I just hope that we can remain friends and that I can continue mining your hard drive for personal information to sell back to my Facebook and Google overloards.
Alright, well, goodnight and good grooming.
Valentine’s Day Ideas
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and I need to come up with a romantic plan for me and my wife.
Listen, I know that Valentine’s Day is an artificial construct engineered by faceless corporations to guilt us into spending money. But, isn’t everything? I mean, stop and think about it---doesn’t that describe every single aspect of modern life?
I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
Alright, so we acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is as equally valid/invalid as everything else in our culture. That still means I need to figure out plans for a date. Something surprising. [Colleen, if you are reading this, stop right now. I’m serious, Colleen. SPOILER ALERT!]
I had a couple of preliminary ideas:
First I came up with a hot air balloon ride. But, then I remembered that I’m deathly afraid of ballooning ever since my sister and I survived a hot air balloon crash when I was little. [True story. I’ll tell you about it later.] I thought maybe I could overcome my fear by facing it head on. Then I threw up all over the ballooning brochures.
I decided maybe we could go on a romantic horseback ride instead. Colleen loves horses, don’t you, Colleen? [Ha! I knew you were still reading this! Colleen, stop trying to ruin Valentine’s Day!]
But, then I remembered the last time we went horseback riding and how saddle sore I got. I felt like a goddamn wishbone afterward. And, if there’s one day my pelvis needs to be in proper working order, it’s Valentine’s Day. Am I right? I’m winking right now, FYI.
What else could we do? A sunset cruise? Kiss atop of the Empire State Building? This isn’t amateur hour, people. I needed to come up with the perfect Valentine’s plan. That’s when I thought of it…
Fondue!
Everybody loves a romantic evening at home with fondue. The tiny burners requiring vigilant attention; fishing fallen bits of bread out of the hot cheese; the scalding oil dripping down your chin---it’s all so romantic. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Gooey equals sexy.
I did a test run while Colleen was at a work conference, and it went pretty well. Three tablecloth fires and one chocolate carpet stain later, and I’m feeling super confident as a fondue chef.
I even bought an apron that says “Fonduers Have Fon-Doing It!” Clever, right? You know, the brain is the most sensual organ after the genitals.
So, we’re all set. Colleen gets back from her work conference Monday night, which is Valentine’s Day night. She’ll be carrying three bags and a briefcase and a portable video projector. Plus, it’ll be the end of a 14-hour flight once you account for her layovers in Denver and O’Hare.
But, when that airport shuttle drops her off, I’ll be sitting in our apartment, nude except for a novelty apron, surrounded by a labor-intensive eating experience. And, once she cleans the fondue dishes, which is only fair since I will have cooked dinner, we’ll retire to the boudoir for a little post-cheese-fondue romance.
I do believe it’s gonna be the sexiest Valentine’s Day ever.
Blog FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: How long have you been writing this blog?
A: How long is the wind? How high is hope? This is a stupid question. Next.
(Whoops, I misread that last question. I started this blog in February of 2010.)
Q: Are you a real person with real human feelings?
A: A mitigated yes.
Q: Is the blog all you do?
A: No. During the day, I design book covers for books that need covering. Also, I spend a good part of my day doubting myself. That takes up time.
Q: Where do you come up with your ideas?
A: Your mom. BURN!!!
Q: What's your favorite brand of beard conditioner?
A: Dr. McKittrick's Lamb Placenta Beard Conditioner. (Imported from New Zealand.)
Q: Do you ever have guest bloggers?
A: Someone offered, but I didn't trust him to do a mediocre job, which would have made me look better by comparison. He would have been too funny.
Q: Have you called your grandmother?
A: Yes, mom, I called her on Sunday.
Q: Who are your inspirations?
A: Jack Handey, Steve Martin, P.G. Wodehouse, Stephen Colbert, Tina Fey, Paul Feig, an obese cat on YouTube that guards socks.
Q: Which is your favorite blog post?
A: I couldn't choose. That'd be like asking me who my second-favorite child is after Jessica.
Q: What's the point of all this?
A: If you're asking about the blog, it's to keep my writing sharp so as to eventually get hired to write professionally. If you're asking about life in general and maybe you're crying while you ask it, stay on the line. I'm here to help.
Q: Has anyone ever asked a real question about this blog?
A: Ever? I think so. Sure, probably. Probably? Maybe. Ever? Can you be more specific?
Q: How many people read your blog every day?
A: Well, according to Google Analytics, it varies between hundreds and one random person in Pittsburgh. Hi, reader in Pittsburgh! I know you're there. Hope that's not creepy.
Q: What's the best pizza in New York?
A: A little place without a sign just south of Kim's Video on 1st Avenue.
Q: Have you ever thought about marketing your blog so that more than just your Facebook friends read it?
A: Stop yelling at me! [takes nap]
Q: Any final thoughts?
A: [groggy from nap] I need to figure out how to get a writing job.
Mom’s Computer
Alright, Mom, let's set up this new computer you got for Christmas. Now, there are going to be some differences between this one and your old computer, because they’ve changed a bit since the mid-90s. For instance, when you turn this one on, notice how it doesn't make a grinding ka-chunk ka-chunk sound?
The second thing you might note is that this new computer starts up in less than 45 minutes. Also, it’s not dirty beige. And, the screen doesn’t flicker a weird tangerine color. And, you can open email attachments without deleting something else first. And, you can have more than one window open at once. Welcome to the future, Mom. Tomorrow is here today.
You can even watch videos on your new computer. Just type in search terms for your interests, like “Diana Krall singing” or “knitting tutorials.” Oh, I got it—remember when you wanted to cook a duck, but you didn’t know how to prepare it? Well, let’s type in “boning a duck” and wait a sec and … OH MY GOD! THAT’S DISGUSTING!
Homepage, homepage! Click the little homepage button!
Mom, I am so sorry. I swear I had no idea that video was gonna come up. I’m sorry you saw that. I’m sorry I saw you seeing that.
Let’s try again. How about we try “de-boning a duck?” I’ll just type … that … in and … OH, C’MON! THAT’S JUST THE SAME VIDEO IN REVERSE WITH THE BENNY HILL MUSIC PLAYING!
Well, I guess it’s too early to explain what a “meme” or a “remix” is to you, but it’s a thing that happens on the Internet. And, I think we just bumped into one of the more repugnant ones. I promise the Internet is not all just ducks and men with psychosexual mental disorders.
Let’s give this one last try. We’ll forget about ducks and do a simple image search. Something safe like “hot air … balloon … pictures.” Now, we just wait for the page to load and … MOTHERFUCKER! THAT’S JUST GROSS! That is so gross, yo! Don’t they have a content filter system?!
Alright, that’s it. We’re turning off your computer. Mom, you are not to go on the Internet ever. You hear me? Everyone on the Internet is disgusting and crass and disgusting. They are disgusting dirtbags. Filthy, disgusting dirtbags.
Every single one of them.
Time-Lapse
When we here at the Walter M. Kronenberg Microbial and Fungal Research Lab at MIT began using time-lapse photography in our study of fungi, we discovered surprising results. It certainly wasn't the expected outcome of the experiment.
Originally, we had simply hoped to examine non-quantitative growth trends of Basidiomycota mushrooms as it related to the near infrared (NIR) spectrum. Based on projections, we expected a ten percent decrease in growth angle as cloud cover reached three oktas. What we found instead was an unpredictably erotic quality to the photography.
It was subtle, but something about the time-lapse and its virtual speeding up of mushroom growth ... I mean, none of us are art critics by any means. Most are Ph.D.s with specialties in spore-bearing fungus. But, these films moved us on a very core, very visceral level. There was a palpable sexuality to them. It was … hypnotic.
Don’t get me wrong, none of us are mushroom fetishists. (At least none of us came into this as mushroom fetishists. I’ve heard that’s big amongst Japanese fugi researchers.) No, we’re just ordinary post-doc men and women who’ve had our eyes opened to the sensual orchestra that is time-lapse mushroom growth.
I don’t want to go into detail about the titillating aspects of high-speed mushroom growth films--the engorged stems, the delicate release of the gill latticework, the pulsating throb of non-photosynthetic spongiform development. This is, after all, a grant application to the National Science Foundation. But, what I will say is that my fellow researchers and I feel that this is important ongoing research in the field of mycology.
That is why we are asking for continued funding in the area of Basidiomycetes growth study with specific focus on buying some Barry White albums and having a few cocktails before we watch the next round of time-lapse videos.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Dr. Emmet Brunchler, Ph.D.
P.S. I thought I'd attach a few YouTube videos I found of mushroom time-lapse photography. I mean, whatever. If you're into it, you're into it. If not, it's just fungi.
Tips to Avoid the Flu
Influenza season will soon be here. I can tell, because pharmacy ads have turned sinister. How can you avoid becoming a vomiting snot-zombie this winter? By following these helpful tips:
- Wash your hands often with soap. Chinchilla-style dust baths don't count.
- Drink plenty of water or water-like branded sports drinks.
- Avoid shaking hands. Instead, try Eskimo kisses.
- Wear a medical face mask or, if you can afford it, a full Hazmat suit at all times.
- Ask yourself, "What Would Howard Hughes Do?"
- Stay away from crowded places, like your mom's bedroom. BURN!
- Maybe taste isn't the best way to identify mystery liquids on the subway.
- If you see someone who looks sick, hold your breath and cross your fingers as you pass by.
- Boil your nose every night before bed.
- Avoid little germ-incubating toddlers. Including your own.
- Make a voodoo doll of yourself and submerge it in orange juice.
- Get eight to eighteen hours of sleep per night.
- Use antibiotic cleaners. They won't do anything about the flu, but they will create a super resistant strain of staphylococcus, which will help curb overpopulation.
- If you see a suspicious germ, alert a police officer or call 311.
- Have you ever tried a neti pot? Oh my god, it's like an orgasm in your nose.
- Speaking of which, there's this crazy Internet video I'll show you next time you come over to my apartment.
- Laughter is the best fake medicine. Even better than chiropracty.
- Stop being such a pussy, and just get the vaccination shot already.
Air Travel Tips
I just bought some plane tickets, because of a botched murder attempt. (Don’t worry about it.) And, it got me thinking about air travel.
I love flying. So many people hate it—the long lines, the security, the cramped space—but not me. I’ve figured out how to fly right, and I’m happy to share my many helpful tips. But, it’ll have to be quick, because this fake moustache won’t stay on forever.
Flying tips:
- A pleasant flight starts with proper luggage. You want to make sure your plastic shopping bag filled with underwear and golf clubs fits into the overhead compartment. Practice by shoving it as hard as you can into your toaster oven.
- Get to the airport at least two to nine hours prior to your flight.
- The TSA doesn’t allow liquids over three ounces. Unless it’s medicine. Just calmly explain that you get very sick and shaky without your Olde English 800 malt liquor.
- Airport security has started using imaging scanners that can see right through your clothes. So, before you get in line, you’ll want to fluff a little.
- Look at your boarding pass for your zone number. The higher the number, the less of a person you are.
- Make as much eye-contact with the flight attendants as you can, or else they might think you’re a terrorist. Never let them break eye-contact, no matter how sweaty you get.
- Remember to buckle your seatbelt, because flying is against God and Nature’s will.
- Use of electronic devices is not allowed during takeoff. Apparently, this includes using a hot plate, though I don’t understand why the stewardess had to be such a bitch about it.
- Ask for a blanket right away, in case all that fluffing in line got you in the mood.
- The Skymall Catalogue is a great resource for anyone looking to buy sunglasses with a built-in video camera. Or a miniature Stature of Liberty with a built-in hot dog cooker. Or pretty much anything with built-in something-or-other.
- If the baby behind you starts crying, lean your seat back as far as you can to let its parents know that you mean business.
- Don’t fall asleep before the drink cart comes by. What, you fell asleep?! Oh man! You just wasted like seventy-five cents!
- During landing, a good way to equalize ear pressure is by putting on your snorkel mask and making honking sounds like a goose. I promise.
- Stand up as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off. Wait in the aisle so that other people can’t get their bags. It’s important that you do this. It will get you off the plane a full five seconds earlier.
- At the baggage claim, grab your pet tiger and get the hell out of there.
Dancing with Myself
Today is my 200th blog post! I’m pretty excited about that. Thank you to everybody who has been reading it so far.
I decided to celebrate by making the video above. I’ve talked about my amazing dancing before quite a bit, and I thought it was time to show it off. If that doesn't sound appealing, some other stuff happens about halfway through. Hope you enjoy it.
Remember to keep coming back, and feel free to hit the "share" button early and often. Thanks again.
- Andy
Away Message
I'm taking this week off from writing to go home for Cheese Days.
"What's Cheese Days?" you ask, "It sounds wonderful." Well, you're right; it is wonderful. To give you a taste of it, I'm including a video of my most recent Cheese Days below. (Be forewarned, the video is pretty treacly. I get emotionally bare when it comes to 14-year aged cheddar.)
But, until then, why don't you spend the week reading back on some of the best blog posts so far? Posts like:
My Grandmother's Secret Recipe
World's Greatest Wedding Dancer
... or just go back and read the entire blog, page by page. What else are you going to do? Work? Gross. Get over yourself, work.
Anyway, here's a video about Cheese Days. Enjoy.
Home for Cheese Days from Andy Ross on Vimeo.