This Pigeon
Oh geez! Why didn’t somebody tell me I had a live pigeon tangled in my hair? Gross! How long has it been in there? All lunch? Are you guys serious?!
I can’t believe you let me sit here with a pigeon stuck in my hair this whole time. I’ve been totally wondering what that flapping and clawing sensation was. I just assumed I was under the AC vent. Has a pigeon seriously been in my hair this entire meal?
When did you first see it? Was it there when I got to the restaurant? Shit, it was? Ugh, that’s so embarrassing. I’ve probably had this thing trapped in my hair since I walked through a flock of them earlier.
Oh my god! I just realized—my job interview this morning! No wonder that guy was looking at me so weird. I thought I’d messed something up on my resumé. No, it was that he was watching an adult pigeon struggling to free itself from my scalp. That must be why he told me “good luck out there.” He meant with the pigeon.
Dammit, and I was flirting with that girl on the bus. Like she’d even be interested in a guy with a garbage-eating bird stuck in his hair. Not likely. I bet the phone number she gave me isn’t even real.
Can someone please help me get this pigeon out? Which side is it on? I wish this place had a mirror.
There, did I get it? No? Shit, you’ve gotta be kidding me. How ‘bout now? Still there? Dammit.
What gets live pigeon out of your hair? Peanut butter, maybe? No, that’s for gum. Never mind, I’ll just go home and shower. Maybe that’ll loosen things up, and it’ll fly away on its own.
Thanks a lot. You guys have been a real big help. I’m being sarcastic, in case you didn’t notice. See if I tell you next time you have a pigeon or an owl or something tangled up in your hair.
My Superstitions
Not walking under a ladder. Throwing salt over your shoulder. Some superstitions are common. But, everyone has their individual ones as well. For instance, I know a guy who thinks shrimp are unlucky just because he goes to the ER every time he eats shellfish.
Here are a few of my own idiosyncratic superstitions:
- I hold my breath whenever I pass a cemetery.
- I refuse to tell anyone my dreams before breakfast, for fear they’ll come true.
- Whenever a dachshund crosses my path, I have to pour out whatever orange juice I’m drinking at the time.
- I only ever chew gum two sticks at once, or else the Baba Yaga will come to steal my eyes.
- When my favorite basketball team is on a winning streak, I can’t de-lice my mascot uniform.
- I am allowed to break a mirror, but only out of anger at what I’ve become.
- If I don’t say “bless you” after someone sneezes, the world ends. You’re welcome, world.
- I turn all my teddy bears to face the wall while I sleep.
- I can’t open umbrellas indoors. Even little cocktail umbrellas, which makes Piña Colada Tuesdays no fun.
- Whenever I lose at Scrabble, I have to flip over the board and call my wife a cheater.
- I own a lucky horseshoe, which I found the day I got hit in the head playing horseshoes.
- When I’m at a wedding, I have to dance better than everyone else, or else the couple will be barren.
- I avoid the 13th floor of my building. Just because my ex-girlfriend, Betty, works there.
- Whenever I find a baby alone in the forest, I leave it, because it’s probably a changeling.
- If I step on a crack in the sidewalk, I call my mom to see if anything’s new.
- If someone touches my foot with the broom while sweeping, I have to punch that person in the face to get my soul back.
- Red moon at night, Rapper’s Delight.
- When a ladybug lands on me, I blow it away and make a wish that all these damn ladybugs stop landing on me.
That’s it for now. I’m never allowed to list more than 18 of my superstitions at one time, or else it’s bad luck.
Give Me Liberty
Give me liberty or give me death. Ooh, or an ice cream sandwich. I’d much rather have that than death.
Here’s the question, though: Would I rather have an ice cream sandwich or liberty? Because, liberty is super important. I totally realize liberty is important. Thousands have fought and died for my liberty. But, it’s crazy hot today. An ice cream sandwich would be sooooo good.
It was an easy choice between death and ice cream. Ice cream sandwich all the way. But, liberty—without liberty, what do you have left? Oppression, that’s what. Without ice cream, what do you have? Cake. Pudding. Popsicles. Tons of stuff.
I’ve changed my mind. Give me liberty. I’m for sure going with liberty. Ooh, and a popsicle.
Your Eyes Are Like…
Your eyes are like deep azure pools reflecting a thousand, glittering fireflies. Your lips are like delicate rose petals, damp from the morning dew. Your hair is like if spaghetti and a spider web had a baby—in a good way—long like spaghetti but soft like a cobweb. So, like silk, I guess.
Your back is like a rolling sand dune made out of marshmallow fluff. Your neck is long and sexy, like a sexy swan neck. But, not that long, because a swan neck would be too long for a lady.
Your arms are like a sculpture—a sculpture of beautiful arms. Your teeth are very much like ivory. Your breasts are like … uh, like … what was I talking about? I’m sorry, I got distracted thinking about your breasts. Oh yeah, I was saying what your stuff is like.
Your hands are like delicate, wooden puppet hands. Your nose is like a tiny ski jump. Your butt is like a goddamn miracle.
Your knees—I could give or take your knees. There’s nothing wrong with them. I’m just not a knee guy. Never really had a thing for knees. But, going back to your butt for a second, it’s just amazing. Really, congrats.
Your feet are like—
Oh, this is your train stop? You’re getting off? Well, it was nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your commute. Bye.
My Amazing Mural
I’ve moved to a new apartment, and it’s the first one that I’ve been allowed to paint. So, I’ve gone all out and painted an apartment-wide mural. Let me describe it for you.
When you enter the front door, you see a swirling, paisley, Mandelbrot fractal pattern, and it confuses you. Your senses are assaulted, and you wonder, “Wait, did I just walk into an apartment or into the mind of a genius?” Well, in a way you did both.
The paisley pattern flows left towards the living room, where it smoothly and skillfully transitions into a forest scene. The forest is so amazingly photorealistic, it seems real, like a photo.
Then you look closer, and you see the trees are made up of a million little dots. And, each dot is a little face. And, each face is mouthing a different syllable, which if placed all in a row and played as a film would sing the complete Harry Belafonte song catalogue. That’s how many trees there are in my living room.
What’s that in the corner? Why it’s a little, painted porcupine pointing toward the kitchen. I think he wants you to go into the kitchen.
The kitchen is painted like a 1950’s diner, all red and white checkers. The cabinets look like rows of soda fountain glasses. The fridge is painted to look like a milkshake machine. The milkshake machine is painted to look like a cash register.
Finally, after pie, we move into the bedroom—the pièce de résistance. The entire back wall is a self-portrait of me and Heidi Klum riding dolphins into the sunset. But, the dolphins are robot dolphins. What does that mean? Is it the future where dolphins are extinct? It can’t be; Heidi looks so young and pert, like from her first Sports Illustrated shoot. Even I’m not sure when the painting takes place. Great art challenges you.
In the painting, Heidi and I are holding hands. Our cheeks are flushed and our eyes sleepy. It looks as though we’ve just been through some sort of intense physical activity together. She looks like she’s had multiple activities. I’m winking. (In the painting, I’m winking too.)
I can’t wait until my wife comes back from her conference. I think she’s really going to like the mural I painted while she’s been gone.
Favorite Dog Breeds
A list of my favorite breeds of dog, along with quick descriptions of their temperament:
Golden Retriever
– loving, loyal, goofy
Scottish Terrier
– sweet, silly, rambunctious
Highland Goathound
– bullish, strong-willed, observant
Royal Dutch Pompadour
– elitist, flippant, obfuscating
Flat-Faced Dimplepinscher
– jaundiced, jittery, hyperglycemic
Italian Petite Bangs Terrier
– pointy, grateful, lilac-scented
Belgian Grundler
– impish, avuncular, annotated
Silky Chuptopper
– distractible, randy, semi-formal
Taiwanese Shin Shin
– ovular, prescient, newfangled
Mottled Chestermeyer
– narcissistic, reciprocating, perspicacious
Irish Bogie Whiner
– symptomatic, encrusted, stringent
Mustachioed Bugli
– pedantic, impromptu, rabble-rousing
Austrian Corbinbersen
– garrulous, blubbery, extemporaneous
Manchester Tonguehound
– tangential, hackneyed, rough-hewn
Friggen Yaws Terrier
– mollycoddled, querulous, milquetoast
The Purplest Nurple
The following is an excerpt from my tween murder mystery novel, The Purplest Nurple, about a kid who dies from a titty twister:
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“What are we even doing in here?” begged Smitts. “There might be a ga-ga-ga-ghost.”
Smitty could be a real dork sometimes. I flicked him in the junk. Hard. That shut him up. “Shhh, we’re getting evidence, stupid,” I told him, because that’s what we were doing.
Smitts kept tugging at his shorts, trying to get his nuts to not ache. “But, the school said it was anophalastical shock. ‘Cause he ate a peanut.” He meant antapolapstic shock. Duh.
“You saw those bruises around his nips. That was no accidental death, Smitts. It was murder by titty twister.” I was right, of course. I’m right a ton of the time.
I had just set down the victim’s Lego Deathstar when his mom came in with a tray. “I thought you boys might like some Rice Crispy treats and juice,” she said, all chipper and stuff. Smitts is a lard-ass, so he snatched ‘em up right away.
“Thanks, Mrs. Flannery. Hey! These are real good. Do they got M&Ms in ‘em?” Smitty asked with his fat mouth.
“They sure do, Riley. Peanut M&Ms.”
“Peanut M&Ms?” I said, “I thought Josh was allergic to peanuts.” Josh’s mom’s face got all sad, and I realized I was coming on too strong, Batman-style.
“He was, poor thing. We haven’t been able to have peanuts in the house since he was born.” She was kind of sniffling, but then she got real happy again. “But, now we can have all the peanuts we want!”
Right then’s when I noticed the locket she was wearing. It was the same locket I had saw on coach Meyerson’s desk in the locker room where Josh was found. No, it couldn’t be--Josh’s mom and Coach Meyerson? Were they boyfriend and girlfriend, even though she was married?
And, could that have something to do with the titty twister? Holy balls! We had to get out of there …
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Postcards from the News
I made more Postcards from the News today for Indecision Forever. See one here.
Other than that, what else? I went to work. I had lunch. I saved a baby from a runaway bus. I worked on my robot that looks like me. I got a haircut. I picked up some printer ink. I shaved my beard and grew it back. I caught some squirrels for my squirrel circus. I made dinner. I watched a YouTube video about something; I forget what. I took out the recycling. Then I started a blog post, which I am finishing right ... now.
