More Limericks
Sorry if this post is later than usual. I went to the Mermaid Parade on Coney Island today. And, all the exposed flesh got me thinking. So, I've written some more dirty limericks for you all. Because, that's the kind of thinking I was doing.
Doc, I’m feeling extremely stressed,
And I worry I’ve somewhat regressed:
For now as a rule,
My mouth fills with drool
Whenever I see a plump breast.
After swimming, young Brent was quite spent
So, into the showers he went;
But the pool so cool
That Brent’s family jewel
Had shrunk by 200 percent.
At the drive-in in her Mini Cooper
Clarice was a wonderful trooper
The space was confining,
But through excellent timing
Sex wasn’t just super, but duper.
[alt. version]
At the drive-in in her Mini Cooper
Clarice was a wonderful trooper
The space was confining,
But through excellent timing
She avoided a poke in her pooper.
A cocky young stand-up in London
Took the stage with his fly fully undone;
This most serious gaff
Got the night’s biggest laugh,
For his balls were the size of an onion.
Our Tree House Fire
Alright, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but our tree house seems to be on fire.
Guys, calm down! Everything is going to be fine as long as we stay cool. This is why we have an emergency plan. I saw an Imax movie about fighting forest fires, so I nominate myself to be in charge of putting it out. All in favor? Great.
Bobby, you climb down the rope ladder and get the garden hose. Jordan, you help me bat down the flames with these dirty magazines your brother bought us. Tim, you just stay right where you are. It was your firecrackers that got us into all this.
What we want to do is create a perimeter around the flames. Jordan, make sure the fire doesn’t reach our paper airplane collection. That’s good. Good job, Jordan. Tim! Are you drinking an orange soda right now? Damn it, Tim, pour it on the fire! What do you mean you finished it? I can see it’s still half full.
BOBBY! How are we coming on that garden hose? Can I get an ETA? That means “estimated time of arrival.” Tim, go see if you can help Bobby untangle the hose.
I told you guys we should have gotten a fireman’s pole for this tree house. How awesome would it be right now if we had a real fireman’s pole to help fight this fire? Whoa, Jordan, don’t hit the fire with the Playboy. Ryan Carville at school is going to pay me ten bucks for that. Use the Maxim, instead.
Okay, it seems like we’ve got it under control. BOBBY! Never mind about the hose! Just get some wet towels or something. And, tell Tim he’s a butthead.
Good work, Jordan. Way to show hustle fighting that fire. Now, aren’t you glad that we don’t allow any girls in here? I can only imagine how much worse that would have been.
Welcome To Onam Pilates
Welcome to Onam Pilates.
At the Onam Pilates Center, you will find a warm, calming atmosphere filled with vague world music and the smell of cucumber. Here, students are encouraged to surpass their own expectations through a special form of advanced, super-stretchy Pilates. Onam Pilates is a nuturing yet challenging form developed by world-renowned Pilates master Onam Mendenhall. Hence the name. Did you catch that?
Revered internationally, Onam Mendenhall has taught his advanced variety of movement on six continents and in over one hundred countries. Since 1988, he has combined the practices of Pilates, yoga, belly dance, and tai chi into a complete, pleasantly multicultural system. In the process, Onam has fingered or performed oral on upwards of 3,000 lonely soccer moms. He is very tall and has lovely eyes.
In 2001, Onam founded the Onam Pilates Center™ (OPC), a comprehensive Pilates studio. This state-of-the-art facility features beautiful bamboo everything along with generic Asian and Middle Eastern art. There is also a gong. Here, students benefit from Onam’s more than 25 years of teaching experience and his extensive knowledge of the mature woman’s g-spot.
At Onam Pilates, we welcome everyone from the beginning student to the fifty-year-old lady with a smokin’ body but weather-beaten face. You know who we mean? The ladies who do trapeze or whatever, and from behind in their workout pants, they look pa-pow! But, then from the front, you think, Damn, lady, you should have stayed out of the sun a day or two in your life. Those are the people Onam enjoys “teaching” the most. He goes to town on those ladies.
Again, welcome. We hope you will enjoy the soothing mind-body-spirit practice of Onam Pilates along with Onam’s passion for his work and his generosity with orgasms.
How to Avoid Mosquito Bites
Summer is here in full force, and it has brought along thousands of mosquitoes. Every year, the darn things declare war on our backyard barbecues. Here are a few helpful tips to avoid getting your asses chewed up by goddamn mosquitoes:
- Mosquitoes breed in standing water. Make sure your backyard has proper drainage.
- Avoid the outdoors at dusk or dawn, times when many mosquitoes are most active.
- Mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide you exhale. So, try to avoid doing that.
- Wear loose-fitting clothing that covers your arms and legs. Because, mosquitoes are creeped out by sexual ambiguity and not knowing what gender they’re biting.
- Also, avoid bright or dark colors. You know what would be good? The khaki tunic you wore when you were in that cult. Maybe you should get that out. Unless it brings back too many memories.
- Try burning a citronella candle. Move it around every 10 to 30 seconds to stay downwind.
- Avoid making eye contact with a mosquito. It’ll think you’re asking for it.
- Catch mosquitoes mid-air with a pair of chopsticks.
- Mosquitoes are also attracted to scented detergents and strong perfumes. Sorry, old ladies.
- Eat tons of garlic and wear a garlic necklace. When you stop to think about it, mosquitoes are just tiny vampires. Tiny, sexy vampires that want to suck your blood and maybe fight a werewolf for your affection.
- Bug zappers don’t really kill mosquitoes. Bug zappers just kill moths and also my co-worker’s Uncle Rudy when one fell into his hot tub.
- Wear a mosquito net draped over you at all times. This works so well, you can go ahead and be totally nude underneath. Whatever floats your boat.
- DEET is a powerful, harsh chemical that works like a charm. It not only deters mosquitoes, but it also slowly kills their food source.
- Instead of DEET, some people apply essential oils like lavender, eucalyptus, or tea tree oil. These people are weird hippies who will try to give you a backrub.
- Buy a bird feeder to attract mosquito-eating birds. Don’t put any birdseed in the feeder, or the birds may fill up on seeds. Stupid birds.
- Finally, simply be one of those people who doesn’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Stop being such a wimp.
HBO Promo
I've finally given up on trying to start a career in the magazine industry. So, I thought to myself, "What do I like besides lying on the couch reading magazines?" And, the answer was lying on the couch watching television. Thus, I have begun my hunt for a career in television.
I'm beginning with this quick spec promo I made for HBO, the premium cable channel. Enjoy.
Your Last Meal
Alright, Billy. It looks like the governor’s not giving you that pardon. So, it’s time to think about your last meal. What would you like before you go to the chair?
Steak and a milkshake? Really? No no, it’s nothing. Order whatever you want. I just figure you can get anything in the world for your last meal. Steak and a milkshake is fine, I guess. Kind of boring, though.
No, whatever you’d like to eat. Steak and a shake it is. Absolutely.
Unless... Have you ever tried oysters? What! You’re kidding me! You’ve never eaten oysters? Oh my god, you have to try oysters. Everybody needs to eat oysters at least once before they—
Anyway, you’ve got to try oysters. A nice steak and oysters—that’s a classy last meal. A milkshake wouldn’t be too good with oysters, though. Maybe rethink the milkshake. How about a Bloody Mary?
Shut up, you’ve never had a Bloody Mary, either? Billy, you have to get a Bloody Mary. There’s nothing better with oysters than a Bloody Mary. Oh man, the celery salt and the Worcestershire—it’s so good. Trust me, you’re gonna love Bloody Marys. They’re going to be your new favorite thing.
So it’s steak, oysters, and a Bloody Mary for your last meal. What kind of steak would you like? Ehhh, filet mignon is not really the best steak. I mean, I know it’s got the name recognition, but it doesn’t have the flavor profile to stand up to oysters. You know what’s good with oysters is lamb.
Yeah, sure, I guess lamb can be a little fatty for some people without refined palettes. Fine, you don’t want lamb? I got it. I know what’d be great instead of steak. Rabbit. I really feel you should try rabbit. It’s not to everyone’s taste, but totally worth the gamble. Maybe braised with capers and a hint of cilantro?
And, on the side, some fine cheeses. Like stinky feet cheese. Some people go their whole lives without eating stinky cheese. It takes awhile to get used to, but there’s a big payoff. Plus, it goes terrific with the fishiness of oysters.
Billy, I truly think you’ll love this last meal. I bet before you came to prison, you only ever ate McDonalds and boxed macaroni. Am I right? I thought so. This last meal is going to blow your mind. Seriously, you’re gonna see what you’ve been missing this whole time.
Alright, well, the nurse is coming in to shave your head for the electrodes. And, the priest should be here later for last rites. In the meantime, I am going to go place this food order for you.
For dessert, I hope you like surprises! I’ll give you a hint: molecular gastronomy. That’s all I’m gonna say.
Our Upcoming Road Trip
Here’s what I have planned for our upcoming road trip:
First, we’re going to head out around 10am, and take the Washington Bridge to I-80 West. Cross through Pennsylvania. I’ll pack some sandwiches for the road, but we won’t end up eating them. Instead, we’ll stop at a surprisingly dirty Wendy’s in East Stroudsberg, which will upset our stomachs.
Then, we’re going to try to connect your iPod to the auxiliary jack in the rental car, but the cheap wire we bought at Radio Shack won’t work. We won’t find out until after the road trip that the wire only carries mono, not stereo. It’ll be frustrating, but ultimately fun, because we’re going to sing as much a cappella Wilco as we can remember.
I mean, this is just a preliminary outline for the road trip. We can change things up however you want. But, I thought it’d be nice to have a general plan.
I thought we could maybe stop at a rest stop and see a dog we agreed was cute and probably end up listing our favorite breeds of dog. You’ll bring up that Schnauzer translates to “moustache,” which will have been the 4th time you’ve told me that. I won’t mention it, though.
After that, I thought we could get real clammy from being in the car for so long. So, we’ll open the windows. That’ll be nice.
At around State College, Pennsylvania, we’ll have a small fight. I was hoping maybe we could argue about me wanting to take a detour through Altoona, just because I love how the name sounds. And, you’ll think that’s stupid. I’ll end up getting really quiet until around Youngstown.
Then, it’s Cleveland, Toledo, South Bend, and a right turn up into Michigan. From there, I thought we could wing it. Let the road take us wherever it takes us. As long as we have some sort of adventure in Grand Rapids that involves helping an old man come to terms with the loss of his wife, and in the process we find ourselves and a sense of purpose.
But, like I said, it’s just a rough outline of our upcoming road trip. I'm open to anything. Remember to pack sodas, though.
It Must Be Fate
I wouldn’t say I’m especially religious. But, I do think that there’s a greater plan—fate, providence, immutable actions and reactions. That’s why I think fate brought me here to your pizza place, just as you were about to throw away that pizza.
Think about it. What are the chances that out of all the pizza places in the world, I would drunkenly stumble into this one? Just as you were closing up for the night. And, just as you were about to throw away the last of your unsold pizza. And, I happened to want to eat pizza. For free. Because I don’t care how old or gelatinous it is. Because I’m drunk. Seriously, what are the chances?
It’s a sign, man. It’s a sign from the universe that I was meant to be here, swaying back and forth, staring at you and your pizza. There’s a purpose to this moment. Do you feel the purpose? I was put on this world to eat the pizza that no one else wanted. And, you sir, you were put on this world to give me that pizza for free.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off us, right? Right? All that uncertainty, all the worry—it’s gone. We’re destined to connect across this pizza counter—you as the owner, and me as the dude who needs to soak up some cheap whiskey in my belly. We’re special.
So, can I get that pizza now or what? No, I won’t pay half price. That’s not what Fate is about. Fate’s about you giving me free pizza. And, then maybe we would have struck up a friendship, and eventually you would have been the best man at my wedding. But, you had to ruin fate by being a dick. That’s fine, be a dick. That’s fine.
I’m gonna go. Maybe there’s another pizza place closing soon nearby. Maybe that’s where Fate wants me to end up. Fate just used you as a side something… Distraction—a side distraction is what I meant. I’m gonna go find my new best friend who owns a pizza place but isn’t a dick about it.
Whoops, I knocked over your thingy. I’m sorry. I’m putting it back. Sorry. That wasn’t because of the thing with you not giving me your garbage pizza, I swear. Maybe it was just Fate that I was supposed to knock it over.
I gotta go throw up in the alley. See you later, best friend.
Dear Hotel Maid
Dear Hotel Maid,
First off, if you prefer to be called a housekeeper, I apologize. The DO NOT DISTURB sign said “maid,” so that’s what I went with.
Secondly, and this is the big one, I’m sorry for the condition of the room. It’s just that my wife and I haven’t had a vacation in awhile. So, we kinda did it up. That’s not blood in the corner, by the way; it’s margarita mix.
In the bathroom, though, that’s blood. Shaving accident.
As for all the burn holes in the chair, it may seem like we were smoking cigarettes in this non-smoking room. But, I promise we weren’t. We were simply holding lit cigarettes during some film noir sexual role-playing. Again, I swear we weren’t actually smoking.
(Honey, if you’re reading this before the maid/housekeeper, don’t be upset. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in our beautiful, imaginative lovemaking. It’s how we’ll eventually make a baby.)
Also, Ms. Room Cleaner, thank you for bringing so many fresh towels. I know it was more than we could have possibly used, but they were so nice and warm from the dryer. And, whenever we tried to re-warm them in the microwave, they kept catching on fire.
Sorry we broke the microwave.
As far as the ice bucket goes, that was broken when we got here. It’s understandable that no one noticed before. We only discovered it when the massage oil leaked out.
Finally--the furry thing in the air duct. Don’t worry; it’s not an animal. It’s a wig that makes me feel pretty. We tried to get it out with a coat hanger, but we lost the coat hanger. If you can get the wig free and mail it back to me, that’d be a big help.
Yeah, anyway, we like to party. So, I’m including a $500 tip for your help and discretion. There’s also some money for a new mattress.
Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
Mr. & Mrs. Ross