Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Montessori Silent Auction List

Posted on June 4, 2010

Thank you for your interest in the Fifth Annual Mountainview Montessori Silent Auction! Each year, this auction raises funds for much-needed Montessori school supplies. Last year's auction brought in over $15,000 to buy sandpaper letters, knob-less cylinders, and two dozen binomial cubes. How exciting is that!!

There’s still time to bid on the last few items donated by fellow parents and community members. Hurry before they’re all gone:

Item #304
Amish Picnic Basket with Picnic Foods
Minimum Bid: $110
Old-world crafted basket filled with all your picnic needs—tahini, tofu, kale, rice milk, lentils, tempeh, almond paste, almond cakes, almond noodles, and for dessert ... oatcicles!

Item #359
Children’s Yoga Party
Minimum Bid: $300
Two hours of 105° heated Bikram Yoga instruction for up to twelve children, 4-years-old and up. This is not for beginning child yoga students. Must sign waiver.

Item #403
Hand-Crafted Polymer Clay Earrings
Minimum Bid: $40
Beautiful turquoise-colored clay earrings in the shape of twin dolphins hugging the globe. Made by our own art teacher, Mrs. Frumpner.

Item #412
3 Hours of Gardening
Minimum Bid: $180
Our lovely student Abigail’s fathers, Donald and Terrance, have offered three hours of gardening expertise. Note: Rose gardens only. Also, no mulching.

Item #461
Professional Unicycle
Minimum Bid: $220
The Quax Professional 20 inch Unicycle features a flatcrown fork with grip tape, cast double-walled rim holes, and an aluminum 350mm seat post with anti-twist knurled diamond finish.

Item #493
Hand-Painted Bird Bath
Minimum Bid: $100
A whimsical birdbath to soothe the soul. What looks to be gnomes (or elves maybe) dancing around a blue-ish shape that seems to be feminine—maybe Goddess Gaea? Very creative. 25” high with an 18” basin.

Item #528
Frequent Flyer Miles
Minimum Bid: $200
22,000 frequent flyer miles on Delta Airlines. Note: Must pretend to be Donna and Bernie Abramowitz. Many blackout dates.

Item #533
Trip to Whole Foods
Minimum Bid: $75
This is not a gift-certificate to Whole Foods grocery. Rather, Meredith Gruenthal, parent of Echo Gruenthal, has offered to walk with the winning bidder through Whole Foods. There, she will point out which are the “good” organic products and which are the “not good” organic products. (She has a lot to say about cruelty-free cosmetics.)

Item #587
Peruvian Hat
Minimum Bid: $30
Traditional chullo-style Peruvian hat with earflaps. Fleece lined. Perfect for a child to wear with sweatpants, Tevas sandals, and a t-shirt with wolves on it.

That’s all that’s left. Bid high and bid often. And remember, “It is only through our children’s heart’s eye that we see within ourselves that which makes us ourselves.”


My Favorite Colors

Posted on June 1, 2010

I’d like to present a list of my favorite colors, in no particular order:

Dusty Pink

Nutty Auburn

Lemony Sunset

Ultra-Tough Chartreuse

Coffee with a Drop of Blood

Sun-Damaged Eggplant

Astroturf in the Moonlight

Moldy Hay Bale

Basketball at the Bottom of a Pond

Embarrassed Mint

Sepia Photo through 3-D Glasses

Electric Bronze

Tomato Soup Stains on Acid-Wash Jeans

Dachshund Belly

Unripe Glottal Stop

Smoky Azure

Tangerine Dipped in Antifreeze


Maroon-ish Turquoise-ish Aqua


Rosy Knuckles

Linen under Halogen Light

Saddle Rash Pink

Darkly Sinister Khaki

Dirty Penny

Angry Old Mister Hendricks Red


A few of the above are not only my favorite colors, but also my favorite Kool Aid flavors and/or roller derby names.


Random “Facts”

Posted on May 20, 2010

A list of random, fun facts I made up:

Abraham Lincoln’s brain weighed 40 score and 200 grams.

Our word for “sweater” comes from the Norse god Svetinöðr, god of comfy knits and fetid goat’s milk.

The world record for the longest beard is 3 ½ centimeters.

In WWII, housewives used beaded curtains on their showers in order to donate shower doors to the war front.

The word “MILF” was first coined by Plato in his work, The Republic.

The most common name in 2009 was Shmuley. Boy or girl.

In Victorian England, a popular hobby among the elite was crafting tiny bowlers and top hats for honeybees.

More plates are broken accidentally each year at the Cheesecake Factory in Schaumburg, Illinois than on purpose in all Greek restaurants worldwide.

The average American has two extra “backup” eyes floating around somewhere inside his or her body.

Leonardo da Vinci invented the parachute in 1515, though he thought he had invented a new chili recipe.

In your lifetime, you will swim an average of 2,000 miles in your sleep, due to sleep swimming.

Somewhere, someone is totally doing it right now. You know, it.

The average lifespan of an unopened Twinkie is 25 days. The average lifespan of an opened Twinkie is mmfph mmff mphhmm.

Wild golden retrievers have been known to build underground colonies that can stretch up to 15 miles.

The most expensive diamond in the world has been stolen 42 times, each time by a crew of baby geniuses.

Mountain ogres account for up to 80% of all hiking deaths.

The original mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team was Rummy the Rum-Drinking Alcoholic. He could only sober up by drinking healthy, refreshing beer.

Ice cube trays are for making ice cubes.

Pickles can be turned back into cucumbers through an expensive process called “de-gherking.”

The only U.S. president* who could breathe underwater was Rutherford B. Hayes. (*Because of the voodoo involved, Grover Cleveland wasn’t technically breathing underwater.)

The red-eyed tree frog of Central America can speak to humans once a year on Christmas morning, but it won’t because it’s selfish.

[Author's note: I sure hope a couple of these make it into some aunt’s email forward one day.]


Dream Interpretations

Posted on May 4, 2010


Here’s a quick guide to interpreting your dreams. Remember, every person is different. But, in general, the following dreams suggest common thoughts or fears from your waking life.

You are late for a test. This dream usually means that you are feeling under-confident about an upcoming task at work. Or, maybe you feel harshly judged in your social interactions.

You dream your teeth are falling out/breaking. This dream suggests fear of mortality and aging. It may also refer to worries of loss of beauty.

You dream you can fly. This means that you actually can fly if you believe hard enough. Don’t jump off a building or anything, but you can probably fly. Try easing into it by belly flopping into a pool, but at the last second don’t land.

You realize you’re naked during a presentation. This dream means you are allergic to something. Maybe your cat. Or strawberries. It could also mean that you regret buying a DVD player recently now that Blu-rays are coming down in price.

You dream you’re being chased by a stranger. This one means you’re a racist. What, just because he’s wearing a hoodie, you automatically assume he’s black? Have you ever stopped and turned around in this dream? Maybe this guy’s running to catch the train. Racist.

You dream you’re falling. Again, you can fly. This dream’s about how you’re lame for never having tried the belly flop thing.

You dream you’re a movie star. This one means a movie star accidently got his or her dream mixed up with yours. So, somewhere in Hollywood, some millionaire is wondering why he’s dreaming about his cranky boss at the bank.

Your house/apartment is flooding. This is means that you are currently peeing the bed. Wake up, you drunk! You’re peeing the bed!

You dream you can’t find your shoes. You are in love with your dental hygienist.

You dream you are having sex with multiple partners. I’m not sure. This one could mean a lot of things. Please, describe it in greater detail, and be as graphic as possible, because this helps me interpret your dream.

You dream you saw me sneak money out of your wallet when you left the table. Ignore this one. This one’s just a dream.

You dream your company picnic has been infiltrated by Russian spies, and they’re trying to steal the Frisbee, because it has microfiche taped to it with the secrets to the Lost series finale. But, you can’t figure out which people are spies, because everyone is dressed up as teddy bears, because you work at a teddy bear costume factory. This dream means that leftover taco from the back of your fridge was, indeed, spoiled.

You dream you win the lottery. Yeah, keep dreamin’, Buddy.


Jump Starting Your Juggling Career

Posted on May 1, 2010


Here are 10 easy steps to take your professional juggling to the next level:

Step 1 First off, you should realize that you are pretty goofy looking. I mean, with that hairstyle, I assume it’s intentional. Just make sure you own it and move on.

Step 2 Master the fundamentals. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a so-called professional who can’t even get five chainsaws in the air. These are the basics, people. Lock ‘em down.

Step 3 Get a good stage name. Something bar mitzvah friendly.

Step 4 Work on your banter. Silence shows you’re struggling with a trick. Fill your onstage routine with uncontroversial topics like Sarah Palin or slavery reparations—stuff that won’t distract from your act.

Step 5 Avoid romantic relationships. The guys making it big in the juggling industry are out there every night, hitting the juggling clubs for stage time. A girlfriend will only slow you down.

Step 6 Find a good manager. There are thousands of showbiz agents chomping at the bit to find the next big juggling act. Look on craigslist. If any ask for your credit card number, that’s just a test to see if you’re cool. Are you cool?

Step 7 Plaid pants. Rainbow suspenders. Never the reverse.

Step 8 Don’t water down your show with non-juggling. Balloon animals are awesome; I’m the first one in line for balloon animals. But, balloon animals won’t get you laid. And, that’s what this is all about, right?

Step 9 Your juggling set should always progress in order of difficulty. For example: balls, clubs, knives, flaming clubs, flaming knives, chainsaws, sedated chickens, newspapers, awake chickens, slinkies, flaming slinkies.

Step 10 Treat every show like it might be your last. Because, you never know. I’ve seen you juggling knives, and you’re not very good.


Peanut Butters

Posted on April 28, 2010

Peanut Butter

A list of peanut butter brands in order of my favorite to least favorite:

1. Skippy All Natural

2. Jif Crunchy

3. Peter Pan Whipped Creamy

4. Skippy Honey Nut Super Chunk

5. Squirrel Canadian Peanut Butter

6. Goober

7. Dr. McGillicutty’s Wonder Butter

8. Tube ‘O Nuts Extra, Extra Creamy

9. Sun-Pat for Sensitive Teeth (UK only)

10. Crazy Bernie’s Nuttagoo

11. Jif All Natural with Fish Oil

12. Smuckers Supernatural

13. HealthNut Shells Roots ‘n All

14. Sticky’s

15. El Maní Negro (Dominican Rep. only)

16. Presidents Choice “Peanut” Butter Product

17. PeaceNut Butter (proceeds aid marijuana reform)

18. Kathy’s Homemade PB with Black Licorice Bits

19. Unlabeled Aldi Clearance Rack “Peanut Butter?"

20. Glunk Brand Extra Glunky


Our Favorite Names

Posted on April 13, 2010

Names thought up by my wife and myself while waiting at restaurants:

1) Dunkin Knuckles
2) Gertie Nerdlicker
3) Rufus Poopshoot
4) Florence Perdé
5) Amanda Bumpers
6) Vicki Clutterbuck
7) Arnold Shunt
8) Phyllis Whistler
9) Moisés Tullett
10) Burns Magruder
11) Becky Knickerbocker-Fox
12) Norman Kunk Jr.
13) Leslie Slipply
14) Thora Foie Gras
15) Janice Bartlesinkramfenheimer
16) Diedrich van Hoof
17) Penny Applepants
18) Rodney Thumb
19) Bertram Pipp
20) Dashiell Fung

P.S. Two of these names are real people. Can you guess which two?
Answer in the comments section.


Rainy Day Activities

Posted on March 31, 2010

Stuck inside on a rainy day? Here are a few suggestions to keep you busy/sane:

- Update the first half of your contacts list on your phone before giving up.

- Do some meal planning. It should all be salads, but that would make you kill yourself, right?

- Make a fort out of blankets, cushions, broomsticks, a mini trampoline tipped on its side, a cardboard box with spaceship controls drawn on it, a beanbag chair, a couple of dirty magazines, that old Tilt-A-Whirl car in the living room, and clothespins.

- For a craft project, you’ll need a paper towel tube and a pair of scissors. Cut the paper towel tube into thirds. Done! Now you've got homemade toilet paper tubes.

- Break out any puzzles or board games you haven’t played in awhile. There might be pot hidden in one of the boxes. That’s just a guess.

- Bake cookies. Unless you are missing one ingredient. If so, try not to think about the delicious, delicious cookies you could have been making right now.

- Watch the movie War Games and try to mentally count the number of times you’ve watched War Games on a rainy day. Catching the last forty minutes on AMC counts as a half point.

- Second nap.

- Take a bath. (Make it one of those sexy baths with candles and rose petals and some soft R&B music playing from the other room.) Gently cry it out.

- Tie up your recycling. Set aside that unread Newsweek with the cover story about Afghanistan, which you will set aside again the next time you tie up the recycling.

- Put together a scrapbook that indexes all your other scrapbooks. Trying to remember which scrapbook has your trip to see Mama Mia? It’s cross-referenced under M for Musicals and A for your Aunt Gladys.


Elevator Pitches

Posted on March 15, 2010


If I ever get a chance to pitch movie ideas to the head of a studio, these are at the top of my list:

- The story of an adorable ragamuffin who loves pudding so much it comes to life.

- Thanksgiving on a runaway blimp.

- A darkly comic film about a man whose bathroom sink is too small to wash his bloody hands. (12 min runtime. In Czech with subtitles.)

- Behind-the-scenes at an independent book bindery where everyone gets along except on the finer points of Foucault.

- A parrot that plays billiards somehow. Nothing in the rulebook says that a parrot can’t play billiards.

- A biopic about a financially over-privileged Olympic fencer who goes on to win gold despite no obstacles.

- A British movie about a mining town ravaged by Thatcherism, only to find redemption through their plucky band of something somethings.

- A cop who is secretly a spy who is secretly a superhero.


Things I Like About Me

Posted on February 24, 2010

I thought I'd start this blog with a quick list of things I like about myself. So, here goes:

1) I am an amazing wedding dancer. I feel the music and release myself to the dance. It's breathtaking. By that, I mean I run out of breath.

2) I can whistle and hum at the same time. It sounds like a spaceship.

3) I am an amazing Cranium player. People fight to have me as their partner. In fact, once partners are chosen, the game is pretty much over and no fun for anyone.

4) I have never misused the word "solipsism," mainly because I don't know what it means and have always avoided using the word "solipsism."

5) I understand the process of cheese making on a fundamental level.

6) I have never been promiscuous. Despite attempts.

7) When I go to the gym, I make other people feel better about their bodies.

8) I am good at finding lost items. Like one time, my wife lost her keys, and I said, "Did you look in the bowl by the door?" And, she looked and said that they weren't there, and I said, "That's because you're not as good at finding things as me." So, I told her to look in the microwave, and there were her keys. Right where I left them.

9) I am modest to the point of self-loathing.

10) Dogs and 3-year-olds love me, because they know I will play with abandon, ignoring any safety concerns. (Parents do not like me.)

11) I am an inventive eater. Try this: Dip cinnamon pita chips into rice pudding. You're welcome.

12) My chest hair is shaped like a phoenix rising from my bellybutton.

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