Surviving a Blizzard
So, these blizzard things keep coming down the pipeline. Has somebody angered Jack Frost? Was it me stealing his nose? I showed him it was just my thumb. [sigh] That guy.
Here are a few tips for surviving a blizzard:
– Stock up on essentials. Toilet paper, peanut butter, seasons one through three of Deadwood on Blu-Ray.
– Set aside at least two gallons of drinking water, in case you wanna have a water-drinking contest.
– Stockpile blankets. For building forts.
– DON'T PANIC! The walls only seem like they're closing in, because the room's oxygen is running out.
– Pay close attention to your local newscast's weather report. Also, after the break, they’ll answer whether or not your kids are safe from Chinese toys.
– Stay low and breath through a damp towel … Wait, that might be for fires. Meh, couldn’t hurt.
– If you can manage it, don’t drive your car. And, not just in an “I bike for the environment” kind of way. Seriously, you need to shut up about Critical Mass. We get it; cars are immoral. [Wanking motion followed by pretending to wax a handlebar mustache and then honking an imaginary bike horn.]
– Avoid Jack Nicholson impressions. It’s been done.
– Your landlord was probably lying to you about that fireplace not working. I say give it a go.
– Do not place a space heater next to curtains or your Victorian Oil Rag collection.
– Soup it up.
– Wear appropriate clothing. Are those last year’s jeggings? OMG, how embarrassing.
– I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; busting out old board games is a great way to spend the day trapped indoors. Because, one of the boxes might have weed hidden inside.
– Try to fly to Hawaii a few days before the blizzard starts.
– If the electricity goes out, somebody’s getting pregnant. I’m looking at you, anyone in the room with me.
– Keep candles or a hand-crank flashlight handy. [I’m still talking about getting you pregnant.]
– Hot cocoa bath.
– If you are one of my many bear or ground squirrel readers, try hibernating.
– According to romantic comedies, the fastest way to avoid hypothermia is to share naked body warmth with someone whom you outwardly hate though are secretly attracted to. [Still talking about getting you pregnant.]
That’s it. Good luck out there. It’s a real Snowmageddonpocalypse.
Wendy’s Spokesman
Five reasons why I should be the spokesman for the Wendy's fast food chain:
1) I FUCKING LOVE WENDY'S!!! Oh my god, sometimes I catch myself just thinking about a Number Seven with a Frosty™. Just staring off into space and smiling to myself about it. I'm smiling right now.
2) I'm super honest. I'll admit freely that sometimes Wendy's can be disgusting. Like, twice we've accidentally stopped at the same Wendy's off the Interstate in eastern Pennsylvania, and both times the fries were raw. And, the burgers had a funny, metallic flavor. Plus, all of the employees looked like R. Crumb had a nightmare about adult onset acne.
See? Honesty. I think the public would appreciate that and put their trust in me when I say that many other Wendy's franchises do not smell like dirty mop heads.
3) Have I mentioned my rakish smile and amazing dancing abilities? I'm sure we can work those into ad campaigns.
4) My wife only lets me eat Wendy's on road trips, because it's so unhealthy. (Honesty!) So, I'll probably never get sick of eating it, even as its spokesman.
5) Unlike Jared Fogle, I've never been caught up in a salacious, autoerotic asphyxiation manslaughter trial and ensuing media frenzy. Always use a safe word, folks. Always use a safe word.
Our Bodies
Our bodies are amazing things, don't you think? We're each made up of thousands of intricate individual mechanisms that all add up to a whole. A person. A self.
Our eyes bring in light and information. Our hands reshape the world. Our mouths get us into bar fights with Republicans.
Our ears capture the sound of distant screaming. Our noses detect garbage water. Our nice hair and above-average height gets us higher paying jobs. Our breasts fill the Internet.
Every part of the human body works in unison. Resilient and adaptive, we grow and re-grow, survive and procreate.
Our hearts pump cholesterol. Our lungs pull in marijuana smoke. Our tongues taste rice pudding and cinnamon pita chips, which are bonkers tasty together. Especially after smoking up.
Our bellybuttons find and collect our loose lint. Our armpits tell us when it's hot out. Our gall bladders do whatever gall bladders do. Our feet and vaginas also fill the Internet.
Our legs twitch restlessly. Our arms carry our bratty children. Our pinky toenails are kinda small and gross. Our nipple hairs keep us warm.
Without our bodies, what would we be? Floating waves of nothingness? Bags of primordial ooze? Whatever it is, it would be some crazy shit. Oh my god, these pita chips and rice pudding are amazing! I can't stop eating … Whoa, my hands are so weird right now.
My Vices
So, I recently joined a cult. (They don't like it when I call it a "cult." but I figure life's too short to nitpick, y'know?) And, part of my indoctrination is that I'm supposed to list off all my vices in order to overcome them.
I don't know, it seems kinda silly. Or, worse, they could be fishing for blackmail material. But, the robes are so comfy, and I have my eye on a few cute cult ladies for the group marriage. One of them is named Blueberry Rainbow, and she said overcoming your vices is sexy. Then, she touched my upper arm. So, here we go; these are my vices:
1) I care too much.
2) I might be a little addicted to my Google Reader. Maybe.
3) Occasionally, I drink to just past moderation.
4) I'll eat red meat if no chicken or fish is available.
5) I talk about people behind their backs. All positive compliments, but that's still ethically shaky.
6) Once, I downloaded an album illegally to see if I liked it before I bought it.
7) I don't always shower before noon on weekends.
8) I shit in library books and then return them.
9) I chew sugary gum.
10) I've told my wife I enjoyed her tomato bisque even though I didn't quite care for it.
11) My eye sometimes lingers on Victoria's Secret commercials.
12) I regularly kill and hide the bodies of hitchhikers.
13) I'm somewhat superstitious when it comes to athletic matches.
14) It took me two days to redeliver my neighbor's cable bill when it was accidentally placed in my mailbox.
That's it. Those are my vices. I'm a little embarrassed to put the sugary gum thing out there, since it's a big taboo. But, if there's one thing I tell the hitchhikers I torture and eat, it's that honesty is a virtue.
Hawaiian Words
A lot of people know that the Hawaiian word "aloha" has two meanings. But, did you know that every word in Hawaiian has two, sometimes contradictory meanings? Here's a helpful starter list of Hawaiian words:
Aloha - means both "hello" and "goodbye."
Mahalo - means both "thank you" and "tomorrow's the day I start my low carb diet."
Ohana - means both "family" and "the act of looking at a Q-tip after you use it."
Hale - means both "house" and "a random, desperate question meant to steer the conversation away from listening to the other person complain about work."
Mana - means both "spiritual power" and "finding that a dollar bill has gone through the wash and now looks like the fetus version of a dollar bill."
Hula - means both "a dance" and "a light switch that doesn't seem to be connected to a light. Maybe one of the outlets behind the couch used to be for a side table lamp? Am I supposed to try every outlet and then turn this switch on and off? It's not worth it."
Pupu - means both “appetizers” and “holding back a culturally offensive snicker.”
Keiki - means both "a child" and "the ways local newscasters smile in promotional pictures that makes them look dead inside."
Lanai - means both “a patio or balcony” and “the jealousy non-smokers feel towards smokers who are allowed smoke breaks.”
Ono – means both “tasty” and “a large type of mackerel.” It can also mean “the act of getting your groove back.”
Kai - means both “the sea” and “the rise in e-book sales compared to traditional paperbound book sales.”
Mauka - means both “toward the mountains” and “a person wearing multiple pieces of Burberry plaid, which still happens even though that was a trend from what, seven years ago? Eight?”
Wahini - means “a woman” and “tea which is neither hot tea nor iced tea but somewhere in between. Tea which is lost and unsure of itself. Tea which has no place to call its own in our society.”
Haole - means both “a Caucasian person” and “someone who makes you roll your eyes.”
Probably Not Danny Aiello
Five reasons why this guy in front of me at the grocery store probably isn't actor Danny Aiello:
1) I don't think Danny Aiello would be at a grocery store in Sioux City, Iowa.
2) Even if he was in Iowa and in the grocery store, I don't think he'd be buying generic Cheerios. He can probably afford real Cheerios.
3) This guy is wearing hoop earrings. Danny Aiello probably wears one earring, yes. But, if he does, it's most likely a diamond stud. That's just a guess, but he seems like the kind of older guy who wears a diamond stud. [Quick aside: Isn't it crazy when you see an interview with Harrison Ford, and he has a diamond stud earring? It's crazy, right? I mean, that guy is Hans Solo. An earring on him seems so out of place and mid-life crisis-y. Maybe it's just me, but it always catches me off guard.]
4) This person sounds nothing like Danny Aiello. The timbre of his voice is much higher, and there isn't any New York accent. Also, I think I heard an "okey dokey," which I firmly believe Danny Aiello would never say.
5) It's a woman. She just turned, and I could finally make out that it's a woman. Boy, that is very unfortunate--both for her and, I guess, for Danny Aiello--that I would make that mistake. Wow, I would never have guessed that that was a woman. Yikes. I wonder if people have mistaken her for Danny Aiello before. I wouldn't be surprised.
Ice Cream Novelties
A list of frozen novelties in order of my favorite to least favorite:
Chipwich
Hawaiian Shaved Ice
Frozen Snickers bar
Cherry Popsicle
Non-Cherry Popsicle
"Real Fruit" Popsicle
"Real Vegetable" Popsicle
"Real Fish" Popsicle
Uncooked Frozen Lasagna
Freezer-Burned Mango Mochi
Single Ice Cube
Chocolate-Covered Frozen Banana [Very intimidating.]
Ice Cream Club Sandwich
Winter Flagpole
Unintentionally Frozen Yogurt
Mice Cream Sandwich
Snow Cylinder
Bag of Frozen Black Pepper
Travel Trips
Face it, winter is horrible, and it’s turning you into a grump-ass jerk. You should take a break and go somewhere nice and warm. For all of our sakes.
When you do, please follow these helpful tips for traveling:
- When traveling, wear clothes that make you feel like an adult human. Are you seriously wearing pajama pants and UGGs to the airport? Are you fucking serious right now?
- Be careful choosing a hotel. The ones spelled “hostel” are filled with vomiting Australian youths.
- If you get a deal on a vacation package that sounds too good to be true, prepare yourself for the possibility—the slightest possibility—that you’re about to be kidnapped and hunted for sport.
- Tip the bellhop one dollar for every bag or two dollars for every crate filled with live tigers.
- For overseas travel, buy a translation dictionary with common phrases you can wildly jab at once you give up trying to pronounce things.
- Did you double-check that the oven was off? Shoot, I should have asked that one first before you left. I hope that doesn’t make you obsessively nervous.
- Just because you’re on vacation it doesn’t mean you have to eat ice cream for every meal. At least, that’s some weird joke my wife keeps trying to tell me. I don’t get it.
- For security, hide a rolled up hundred dollar bill inside your shockingly deep bellybutton.
- The only cure for jet lag is to kill the jet that bit you.
- Remember the try the local cuisine. Maybe the McNuggets in Thailand are different that the ones where you live.
- Take a book. Beaches are a great place for reading while squinting.
- I heard from my friend Janice who heard from Elliot P who heard from his cousin that you can get pregnant from sitting in a hotel hot tub. For reals.
- Remember to take that rolled up hundred out of you bellybutton before it starts to smell like bellybutton.
- Unless you use every towel in the hotel bathroom, you lose.
- Souvenir t-shirts make great dusting rags after two years of never wearing them.
- If you use the phrase “whatever happens in blank stays in blank,” people will know that nothing interesting happened to you.
New Year’s Resolutions
Some people only make one New Year’s resolution. That's a lot of pressure to either succeed or fail. I make a ton of resolutions. That way, even if I forget what I resolved to do/not do, I'll probably keep at least one or two of my New Year’s resolutions. Just through sheer luck. (It was actually my resolution last year to make more resolutions this year.)
Here's a list of my New Year’s resolutions for 2011. This year I resolve to:
- Remain the greatest dancer alive.
- Switch over from manual to electric boogaloo.
- Cut down to one cheeseburger per day.
- Rub some dirt on it and walk it off for crap’s sake.
- See one 3-D movie every day for two days.
- Stop drinking out of non-coconut containers.
- At least triple lutz. Maybe quadruple.
- Practice at least thrice weekly for my jug band.
- Finally finish my macaroni and tempera paint portrait of James Gandolfini as Gandalf the Wizard.
- Swim like no one’s watching.
- Do my multiplication tables without using my fingers.
- Buy a second ice bucket for emergency cocktail parties.
- Win a marathon through diligent cheating.
- Learn to how use chopsticks to play Chopsticks. [This one’s just a joke. I thought I’d lighten the mood on this blog. It gets pretty heavy.]
- Dress like I mean business, goddamnit.
- Finally read my autobiography to see if the ghostwriter captured my je ne sais quoi.
- Polish up my je ne sais quoi. Wink wink … wink.
- Go back in time and prevent the Snowpocalypse.
- Stop buying off-brand sock garters. It J. Jacob Masterson's or nothin'.
- Treat every jellybean like it's my last.
- Parlay my modeling fame into a rap album and cookbook.
- Enter into more blood oaths. What the hey, why not?
- Have my blog jump the shark in such a bold, dynamic way as to make shark jumping cool again.
- Be even more paralyzed by social anxiety.
Yoga Pants
Hi, welcome to Lydia’s Yoga Shop. We sell activewear for the active woman. Come on in, and I’ll give you the tour. As you can see, we sell a wide range of yoga pants here at Lydia’s Yoga.
First up is our Kriya style of yoga pant. These are cut low at the waist and are terrific for everyday wear--running errands, catching a matinee. These start at around $78.
Next, we have our Prana yoga pants. These pants are cut higher in the waist with comfortable flat-locked seams. This style is terrific for swinging by a boutique or Trader Joes. These start at around $95 and come in charcoal or midnight black.
I should mention that none of our yoga pants are meant specifically for yoga. In fact, we actively discourage doing actual yoga in these yoga pants. It’s far too sweaty.
These are our Turiya yoga pants. These are designed to be worn during pedicures. Note the four-way stretch in the seat and the slight flair along the leg opening. These start at around $112 and come in a massage oil-resistant fabric.
Our Abhaya yoga pants are great for picking up little Dashiell or Dakota from Montessori. They have a pleasant lift and separation in the seat. These are $140, but it’s worth the price when you see the jealous looks on the “working” mothers’ faces.
Again, we ask that you not do any yoga or yoga-related activities in these pants. No pilates, please.
Our Swami yoga pants are designed for watching Julia Roberts movies. They feature hip pockets and anti-chafing Juliamax™ technology. These are on sale today for $98.
Ah, I see you’ve noticed the Maitri yoga pants. These are perfect for a visit to the spa or a weekend away to Napa with your girlfriends. They’re also great for quick trips to Starbucks or the mall. You can have an affair with your personal trainer in these, or you could read the Betsey Johnson interview in Vanity Fair. Really, these are great for reading any magazines—O Magazine, Glamour Magazine, Elle, Real Simple, Vogue, Cosmo, US Weekly … God, do you remember Domino Magazine? I miss Domino.
You could sign up for an awareness walk in our Maitri yoga pants. You can shop for gluten or soy-free groceries in these. They’re good for attending museum events or gallery openings or divorce hearings. These yoga pants are great to wear while recycling huge numbers of plastic water bottles. You can dabble in starting a wallpaper design business in these. You can carry your tiny dog around the dog park in these. You can shop for bridesmaid dresses in these.
Really they’re good for anything except yoga. They cost around $125, and the matte finish is a nice contrast to any over-sized diamonds you might be wearing.
Can I interest you in any of our cashmere tanks or camis?