Quitting Smoking
I’ve never smoked. But, I’m a pretty cocky guy, so I figure I can come up with ways to help other people quit smoking. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s not like cigarettes are addictive or anything. Not like these gummi worms. Oh my god, these things are amazing!!!
Here are some tips to help you smokers quit being that:
- Set a date that you’ll quit by. Then, send yourself an expensive letterpress save-the-date for that upcoming day. You don’t want to have wasted all that letterpress money, do you? That’s 90 lb. linen cardstock.
- Cut back gradually. Quitting cold turkey simply doesn’t work, you goof.
- Quit cold turkey. You’re never going to quit if you keep smoking, goofus.
- Replace you oral fixation. Try sucking on something more socially acceptable. [Raises eyebrows suggestively and then winces in preparation for a slap to the face.]
- Carry a picture of your family. Remember, you’re quitting smoking so that you’ll be healthy enough to run away from your current family and find a new, better family.
- Avoid old “smoking buddies.” Especially Dirty Pete. That guy is no good, I tell you. HE’S NO GOOD!
- Visualize. Picture yourself on a deserted island. There are no more cigarettes. There’s nothing to smoke, so you are no longer a smoker. Wait, what’s this? A human skull?! Oh no! This must be one of those head hunter islands. Quick, start crafting coconut bombs and tiger pits. To the treehouse!
- Reward yourself. With constant workplace bathroom masturbation.
- Deep breathing. Just as when dealing with stress, take ten seconds to slowly breathe in and then out. NEVER OUT AND THEN IN!!
- Exercise. Not only will it help get you breathing again, but when you get in shape, people will want to have sex with you. Then who cares about smoking?
- Substitute. Whenever you feel like smoking a cigarette, try a baby carrot instead. They’re nearly impossible to light. Wacka wacka wacka. Wait, who just said wacka wacka wacka? Is somebody making fun of my advice? This is serious, you guys.
- Nicotine replacement. Try replacing cigarettes with nicotine gum or the patch or heroin.
- Clean your house. Getting rid of old ashtrays and lingering cigarette smells will help you avoid those triggers. Also, that macaroni stain has been on your couch for two years now. It’s probably time you took care of that.
- Find a buddy. There’s no need to try to do this all on your own. Here, when you’re feeling cravings, put your head in my lap. [Raises eyebrows suggestively and then winces in preparation for a slap to the face.]
That’s it. If you need any more tips to help you quit smoking, I’m sure I can come up with a bunch. I’ve got tons of opinions about everything. Even stuff I have no experience with. I’m super helpful in that way.
Book Delay
This blog post is meant to address the growing unrest of my fans in regards to the---shall we say fluid---release date for my tween murder mystery novel, The Purplest Nurple.
The novel, as you know, follows a plucky seventh-grader named Tim McGivens and his tubby sidekick Smitts as they investigate the death of a fellow classmate. A death by titty twister.
When I offered up a brief excerpt online (reposted here), I had no idea the response/demand for the book would become as large as it has. People began writing letters asking about its progress; a few folks started online chat boards to share plot theories; there was even some rather disturbing fan fiction.
That was fifteen years ago.
Since then, demand for the book has grown exponentially. There have been two fan-made film adaptations, with accompanying making-of documentaries. A biannual Purplest Nurple convention draws huge crowds to Sydney, Australia. And, apparently, the largest subsection of the online role playing game Second Life concerns Martindale Junior High, where the book is set. All this, and people have never read the complete book.
Initially, it was supposed to come out in June of 1997. Then, as I was writing one particular scene about dissecting a raccoon in Biology class, I saw the story open up before me in ways I had never thought possible. What began as a two hundred-page book grew to four hundred pages, then twelve hundred, and finally around 17,300 pages.
We now learn not just about Tim’s investigation but also the history of Martindale as a commercial fishing hub, detailed accounts of dodgeball games with accompanying statistical analysis, and several television scripts for Restless Embers, the fictional soap opera Smitty’s mother watches in the book.
Also, footnotes. Thousands of footnotes each carefully crossed-referenced and catalogued.
Now, The Purplest Nurple is about more than simply a tween mystery. It also outlines a philosophy/worldview I’ve invented called Theoreticalistic Holism, which lays out new gender roles based on our closest genetic relatives, the Bonobo chimpanzee.
Well, I’m happy to say that the end is in sight. The final typewriter key has been struck, and the carbon copy has been sent off for proofreading. I simply need to write up a few appendixes and maybe a glossary of Norwegian terms. (The final third of the book is written from the perspective of Tim’s maternal great-grandmother. She speaks only Norwegian.)
Then, I’ll begin painting the book cover and deciding on a font for the interior. I was thinking about taking a font-making class, since none of the ones I've seen have really grabbed me. They’re all so serif-y.
All in all, expect a 2014 release date…
You know what? I just realized I never got around to writing who the murderer was. I got distracted by other aspects of the story. Do you think that’ll be important to the fans? Maybe I should call the proofreader to see if I can get it back for a rewrite. Start over from page one…
Check back here for updates.
BBQ Results
Signs I overdid it at barbecue last night:
- Meat sweats
- Beer shits
- Collard shakes
- Butter pores
- Cornbread ear
- Macaroni jumbles
- Hotlinks toe
- Slaw twitch
- Slight biscuit burning
- Shortened ribs
- Enlarged yam
- Okra heaves
- Violent brisketting
It was totally worth it, though. Best six-months sober party I've ever had. And, believe me, I've had many.
The next one's planned for October 6th. You should swing by. It's going to be a rager. WE'RE GONNA GET WRECKED, SON!!
Substitute Nickname
Alright, ha ha ha, kids. Very funny. Ha ha. Settle down, class. I can see we need to have "the talk."
I'm going to repeat what I said my first day substituting for Mrs. Arnott: My name is Mister Turlinger. Here, I'll write it on the board. T-U-R-L-I-N-G-E-R. It's pronounced just like it looks. “Turlinger.”
Now, some of you have figured out that I'll turn around in response to the name "Mr. Turdlicker." Which is not my name. Again, my name is Turlinger. I’ll admit it does sound a tiny bit like the words turd licker, meaning someone who licks... turds.
Settle down. Quiet, everybody.
Additionally, I realize those times when I do turn around after hearing the name Mr. Turdlicker, I tend to have a goofy, expectant smile on my face. Like I’m excited to hear the nickname. I can understand how that might be extra funny to you kids.
Well, there's a simple explanation for that:
You see, I grew up with an older, cooler cousin named Bobby, and he used to call me "Turdlicker." We had different last names. And, while I first thought of it as an insult, one day Bobby defended me from a group of older bullies---the O’Meary Brothers. He fought off three of them at once and split Ryan O’Meary’s lip wide open. That’s when I realized Turdlicker was a term of brotherly affection.
So, when I hear the name Turdlicker and turn around to face the class, some part of me expects to see my cousin Bobby. But…
… Then do you notice how my expectant smile falls into a look of distant sadness? Like something in my heart grows heavy at remembering the name Mr. Turdlicker? [sigh]
When I was twelve and Bobby was sixteen, we were swimming in an old quarry out past the lumberyard. And, um… Bobby calls out, “HEY, TURDLICKER!” And, I turn around and see that Bobby has climbed this high outcropping on the southern edge of the quarry. “LOOK AT THIS!” he yells, and he lifts off in this cartoony, goofy imitation of a swan dive that is---in its very exaggeration---actually quite graceful.
I watch as he hangs for a moment in the air, and I feel this pang of jealously at his natural athleticism. Then Bobby’s face clouds as he spots something in the water below that I can’t see from where I am… And, then, everything happened so fast. Like I was looking out the window of a train as the world raced by...
I wasn’t a strong enough swimmer. If I could have gotten there just a couple of seconds sooner…
I could have just, um…
I, uh…
Alright, some of you kids are crying now, and I didn’t mean for that. Like I said before, we’re here to make Calculus fun! Right?!
So, here’s what we’re gonna do: Let’s come up with some different silly nicknames you guys can call me. That way, Mister Turdlicker isn’t so tempting. Sound good?
How about “Mister To Linger,” like maybe I linger too long on Calculus proofs? Or Mister Fur Finger? Mister Furry Finger. Or, how about Mister Hurlinger? Do kids still call vomiting hurling?
Can anybody else come up with a playful bastardization of Turlinger? Anybody…
[sigh] “Turtle Dicker.”
Yes, Scott, that is a valid nickname. I’ve actually heard that one before. And, I can see from the class’s reaction that Mister Turtle Dicker will probably be the one to take hold. Which is fine, I guess.
Alright! Settled, everybody? Let’s call a truce and unofficially agree that the class will go with Mister Turtle Dicker until Mrs. Arnott comes back from maternity leave.
Now, if we can, let’s gets back to linear operators and how they relate to derivative functions…
Rumors About the Arthur Remake
With the remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore film Arthur coming out this weekend, I wanted to address a few rumors floating around the Internet.
The original is, of course, a terrific film---funny, sweet, dryly witty in parts, and yes a little sappy. But, that's no excuse for the kind of rampant speculation regarding the new Russell Brand version. So, here are some of the rumors I've found online and their respective accuracy based on weeks of painstaking research:
The Arthur remake was filmed in two days during a rare "Blood Sun" eclipse. True
New translations find that the Mayan calendar actually ends on the release date of the Arthur remake. True
Pets have started fleeing neighborhoods with theaters screening the Arthur remake. True
Russell Brand has been quoted as saying he decided to put his spin on the title role while reading a biography of Pol Pot. False
A man in Cleveland was seen kicking his dog just as a nearby bus stop poster for the Arthur remake began glowing red. Unconfirmed (likely true)
Responsible theaters will be handing out dentist's office lead aprons at all screenings of the Arthur remake. True
When the studio exec who greenlit the Arthur remake walks into a room, all the women inside go barren. True
There were a record number of crew suicides on the set of the Arthur remake. True
Everyone attending a screening of the Arthur remake will contract eyeball herpes. False (numbers exaggerated)
The bloopers reel for the Arthur remake includes a flubbed take in which Russell Brand speaks Sumerian and vomits up thousands of baby sharks. True
The Arthur remake features a 20 minute close-up of Micky Rourke's gooch. True
Theaters showing the Arthur remake will be replacing their usual popcorn with the souls of Russian orphans. False
The Arthur remake contains pro-Al-Qaeda subliminal messages. False
If you say “the Arthur remake” three times in a mirror, you can see how you’ll die. False
Everyone on set had to sign a non-disclosure clause regarding a “mass memory loss event” that occurred during the Arthur remake’s wrap party. True
Burning sage in your home will stop any commercials for the Arthur remake from appearing on your television. False
While researching this blog post, my nose began to bleed what appears to be tar. True
I can hear distant voices whispering Gregorian chants in reverse while I type right now. True
A figure who looks like my grandfather except with a ram’s head and hands of green flame has appeared in the adjoining darkened room. He is warning me to stop writing about the Arthur remake. True
I can’t seem to… I can’t… ack acckkkk…
.
Real Estate Joke
Awhile back, I posted the greatest joke ever written. Yesterday, I wrote the second greatest joke. What exactly do I mean by second greatest? Does it mean second from the top? The penultimate joke? Or is it the second greatest as in an additional, equally greatest joke of all time?
I'll let you guys decide:
(Read aloud.)
Q: What are Fozzie Bear's three rules for buying real estate in Mexico?
A: Oaxaca Oaxaca Oaxaca.
You're welcome, world. You're welcome.
April Fools’ Day
Hey, guys, I have a great idea for an April Fools’ Day prank this year. I think we should murder people!
I know, right? Such a funny prank. I love coming up with prank ideas for April First. I mean it's like, "Hello? Don't you doofuses remember what day it is? You so deserve all the embarrassment of getting murdered.”
Oh my god, can you imagine the looks on their face when we murder them? They'll be all like, "Whaaa? Are you murdering me? I so totally didn't expect that." And, we'll be all like, "Yeah, boom! Prank!" Ha ha ha ha! Priceless.
I figure we'll dress up all in black tracksuits with pantyhose over our heads. And, we'll draw grinning devil faces in lipstick over the pantyhose and we’ll use ceremonial knives---totally create a sense of authenticity to the prank. Really do it up, full-prankster-style.
Oh man, this is gonna be awesome! Remember last April First, when we lit that orphanage on fire? Such a funny prank. All those orphans were out on the lawn crying, and we ran up and were all like, "Dude, you guys are so pranked! Ha haa!" The looks on their faces!
And, by the time the police came, we had all snuck down into the sewers, where we've been living for the past twelve months planning our next prank. Remember that? Remember how we built a civilization down here based on discarded food scraps and watching YouTube videos of flash mobs?
And, we've been planning a new world order where we---the hilarious prankers---terrorize the plebeian, fool populace.
Well, now is the time to rise up and deliver our devastating endgame prank! Now is the time to return to the surface world and begin our thousand years of despotic, prank-filled rule!
Rise up, my army! Rise, pranksters! Rise, punkers! Rise funsters and cut-ups! Rise, goofballs and thugs, jackasses and guerilla theaterists! Join me in arms.
The drumbeat commences on the horizon. Lo, it portends our advance. The hounds of prank strain against their leash. Can you hear their roar? I said, CAN YOU HEAR THEIR ROAR?!!
GRAB YOUR WEAPONS, BROTHERS! PICK UP KNIFE AND AXE, WHOOPIE CUSHION AND RUBBER CHICKEN! NOW IS THE TIME! TODAY IS THE DAY OF FOOLS’ RECKONING!
TODAY, MY PRANSTERS… TODAY WE PRANK!
Lost Map
Folks? Hello, folks? Everyone, can I please have your attention for a minute? Then, I promise you can get back to bingo.
I seem to have lost a map I was carrying, and I was wondering if you all could look around your bingo tables for it. If anyone sees a map or scroll-like object, can you raise your hand and let me know? It is not a rare and ancient treasure map.
The map I lost was yellowed and a bit water-damaged around the edges. Kinda like a map that survived battles aboard a pirate ship and then centuries buried under a hearth in an empty rum bottle. It's not valuable or anything, so no reason to keep it for yourself. It just has a sentimental value. It was my ... great- ... uncle's.
Let's see, what else? The map I lost---again, just a perfectly normal map, nothing special---had a series of riddles written in iambic pentameter and salty Caribbean pidgin. By coincidence, the final riddle refers to a trading post that once stood upon the very site of this modern nursing home. Weird coincidence.
Anyhoo, has anyone spotted anything like that? Like a map that---once one toils for years solving the many complex riddles to find its true starting place---has a simple dotted line leading to a large "X" that implies buried treasure? I can't offer much of a reward for it, since it’s not worth very much. Just my gratitude and maybe a handful of precious rubies.
Oh, I see everyone is clearing out of the room, grabbing any tools or utensils at hand. I assume that’s simply excitement about afternoon gardening, since again, this map of mine is not a treasure map. Okay, okay. Let’s calm down, people. LET’S CALM DOWN!
AND, IF ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THAT MAP … IF ANY OF YOU … Aw, fuck it! OUT OF MY WAY, OLD MAN!
My Second Time Sexting
- Hello? Is this Pamela?
_ Hi!! What’s up?
- Is this for sure Pamela?
_ Duh. Yeah.
_ Thought we had a date to sext an hour ago? Ha ha.
- We did. Ha ha. Sorry. Got tied up.
_ Ooh, “tied up.” Sexy.
- Ha ha. Would you like to start sexting now?
_ Absolutely! Sext me, big boy.
- Just to double-check: This is for sure Pamela?
_ Who else?
- Nevermidn. What are you wearing?
_ Don’t you mean “Nevermind”? Ha ha.
- OMG, your editing is so sexy!
_ Hold on…
_ Just Googled "OMG." Got it.
- Means “Oh my God” right?
_ Yes.
_ Also, did quick research on sexting. did you know capitalization optional? ha ha.
- Had heard that somewhere.
_ feels weird, though.
- So? What are you wearing?
_ Work clothes. Beige shell. Navy pantsuit. Espadrilles. You?
- Same. JK [read: just kidding] ;)
_ Emoticons! Look at Mr. Savvy Sexter!
_ Ha ha.
_ My pussy is wet.
- WHOA!!!
_ Too much? Sorry.
_ 1st time sexting.
- No, it’s good. Good job sexting.
_ Thanks. R U hard?
- Working on it.
- Yes.
- Wait… now yes.
_ Ooh.
_ Send me a pic?
- This is for sure Pamela??
_ Yes. Send me a photo of your big boy?
- Hold on…
- New phone. Sorry.
_ I’m touching my boobs for you. Pic?
- Searching online for phone manual …
_ Need help?
_ Tried Mac forums?
- Found it. Sending pic…
- Got it?
_ No.
- Now?
_ It’s OK. Forget it.
_ Taking off my trousers.
- NO WAIT! Not ‘til I figure out pic thing…
_ Ha ha. OK I guess.
_ Pussy getting less wet.
- Figured it out. Sending now…
- Got it?
_ Downloading…
_ What’s this?
- Pic of my “big boy”
- [Quote marks mean quotation. Not irony re: size.]
_ I think wrong pic.
_ Old lady blowing out candles.
- Whoops. Wrong pic.
- Sorry.
_ Who is lady?
- Aunt who raised me.
- Love her, but distant & withholding.
_ Sorry to hear.
_ Send correct pic?
- Thought I did. Checking outbox…
- OH NO!!!
_ What?! R U OK?
- Pic sent. Wrong number.
- Need to call aunt right now.
- Sorry.
_ No more sexting?
_ Hello?
_ Everything OK?
_ Hello?
_ Hello? It’s been 2 hours. U OK?
_ Going to bed now. See you at conference on 23rd, big boy.
- Pamela? Still up?
- Oh. Now see previous text.
- See you at the conference, sexy.
- Goodnight.
My First Time Sexting
- Ready?
- I guess. For what?
- This is my first time sexting. I’m a little nervous.
_ Don’t be. You’ll be great, Sexy.
- So um what are you wearing?
_ A black sweeter and a par of red undies.
- What’s a sweeter? It sounds sexy.
_ Sweater. lol
- Oh right. LOL.
_ What r u wearing?
- A business suit, except no pants or underwear. Black socks.
_ Um…
- I mean, manly jeans and an old cotton t-shirt.
_ Ooh, that sound sexy.
- You mean “sounds” sexy.
_ right whatever
- And earlier, you probably meant a “pair” of red undies.
_ sure yup
- Which is sexy.
_ ooh yeah. real sexy
- Are we not capitalizing? Is that a thing?
_ Fine. Where are you? R u touching yourself?
- Did I make you mad? Sorry. Again, 1st time sexting.
_ Its fine. R u touching yurself??
- A little, but I got distracted by punctuation and grammar.
- Can we keep on top of that? Sorry. It’s just that I used to be a copy editor at the college newspaper.
- Also “it’s.”
_ Yes. I will try. Now, please, are you touching yourself sexually?
- Yeah. And it feles so good, baby.
_ WTF? R U kidding me? Feles? After yur grammar diatribe?
- That was just a typo. Sorry.
- Hello? Still there?
- Mad?
- Hello?
_ not mad. Just stepped away for a smoke.
- OK. Good.
_ wanna start back upp from where we left off?
- Oh, that’s OK. I finished up while you were gone.
_ really???
- I have a thing for distant, withholding women.
_ women? Whadya mean women?
- Wait. Who is this? Pamela?
_ Pamela who? This is Patrick.. From raquetball.
- Oh, hey Patrick. This has been you the whole time?
_ yup. who’s pamela?
- Nevermind. Getting used to new phone.
- Still on for Saturday at 4pm?
_ yeah. reserved the court. who’s pamela???
- I gotta go. See you Saturday.
_ okay. talk Saturday, sexy.