Postcards From The News
Here are some editorial cartoons commissioned by Comedy Central for its Indecision Forever blog. I made them in the form of vintage postcards.
Click here to see more.
The Case of the Blue Bedspread
Alright, Pearl, find a duvet cover, and let’s get outta here. This store smells like a cinnamon candle farted in my face. Why are we redoing the guestroom, anyway? The grandkids won’t look up from their phones long enough to notice.
Yeah, sure, that one looks good. Let’s go. No no, I’m not just saying that to leave. You’re right, that is the perfect duvet for our guestroom. It's the same blue as the drapes. It's got the same pink as the guest towels. And, the flowers on it are mums—just like the lamp. It's almost as if it was made for the room.
Although … huh. Wait just a minute. It’s perfect alright—a little too perfect.
Pearl, I am not being paranoid! You don't spend forty-seven years on the Jacksonville Police Force without learning when something smells fishy. This here's fishy. We go out looking for a bedspread, and BLAM! The first one we find is perfect. You learn to question these things.
Listen to me, something's not right here. You wouldn't believe the number of times Baker and I would go out on a call, and it would be just like this—set up to seem like everything had fallen into our laps. But, there was always someone behind it, pulling the strings.
Yes, Pearl, of course I want the kids to visit. This isn’t about dragging my feet on the guestroom. It’s about my detective instincts. I should have never retired, with these things still as sharp as they are.
So, with the bedspread, what do we have to go on? You were right about the colors being an exact match. Then, who has access to our guestroom to know its colors? Only your friend Dorothy. No, Dorothy's not smart enough for this kind of thing. Besides, I ran a background check on her after the cow creamer went missing.
Follow the money. Nine times out of ten, it’s about money. So, where does the money go? Who owns this store? Of course! Crazy Lenny. It’s the perfect cover for a criminal mastermind—everyone thinks he’s crazy. More like, Crazy-Like-a-Fox Lenny!
Pearl, where are you coming back from? What?! You bought the duvet cover? But, it’s trap, Pearl! You’ve put us right where they wanted us. And, matching pillows? Noooooo!!
Fine, but this means I get to buy that mini fridge for the den.
The World’s Most Elaborate Prank
The world’s most elaborate prank started out with a simple idea: What if my friend Pete and I pulled off the world’s most elaborate prank? After that, though, things got complicated.
First off, we’d need people--tons of people, all in on the prank. But, how would we organize them? So, back in the early 60’s, Pete and I invented the Internet. We knew it would be awhile before our invention caught on, however that was okay. We had plenty of other pieces of the prank to set into motion.
Besides people, we’d need proper financing to pull off the world’s most elaborate prank. In order to do that, we decided to gradually shift the nation’s economy from an industrial system towards an information- and money market-based economy. And, we had to make it look natural and unforced. Fortunately, Pete’s dad was a Mason, so he walked us through that kind of stuff.
Okay, moving on to the major players in the world's most elaborate prank. We knew we’d need the following:
- an Oscar-winning actress
- a male scientist with red hair and deep gray eyes
- the head of marketing for a major big box retailer from Sweden
- seventeen sets of identical twins
- a goofus of an ex-president who left behind a fiscal crisis and two wars
- a woman with a hot air balloon shaped like a basset hound
- Bill Pullman
- and a professional lady bug wrangler
The first seven were easy, because Pete was part of Skull & Bones in college. (I’m more of the idea man, and he’s the connector.) But, the lady bug wrangler turned out to be a real problem. It seems that most lady bug wranglers are deeply religious. And, of course, once they heard about our prank and rejected us, they had to be locked away so as to not ruin the world’s most elaborate prank.
Wait, did you hear that? Shhh …
Someone’s coming! I can’t tell you any more. Just be in Cedar Rapids, Iowa on July 17th at 2:13pm. Wear a WackyWonderz Brand gorilla costume. A man named Bill will hand you a legal pad with an address. Go there and await further instructions.
This is gonna be awesome.
Second Date Tips
So, you’re going on another date. Good for you. You must not have thrown up during the first one. Here are twelve steps for a great second date:
1) Be yourself. Because, honestly, how long did you think you could keep up that French accent?
2) Show up on a tandem bicycle. Yeah, shit just got real.
3) Wear your most expensive sweatpants. Dates appreciate the finer things.
4) Bring along the portrait you painted of him or her from memory. It will show you’re interested, especially because you incorporated their real hair.
5) Prove how generous you are by tipping the emergency room doctor.
6) Or, you could just remember to ask if your dish contains peanuts. For once, god damn it.
7) Fun activity: skipping stones on a pond, especially if you’re super competitive about it.
8) Find out the other person’s name. That was pretty sloppy on your part.
9) If you happen to stumble on the sidewalk, don’t get flustered. Just laugh it off. Keep laughing and laughing until you can hardly breathe and your face turns red. Laugh until you sound like an evil scientist. Then, your date won’t even remember that you tripped.
10) Ask if you can videotape the entire date to help “work on your technique.”
11) Bring up religion. Why not?
12) Now’s a good time to try out some of the weird stuff in bed, before the sex gets monotonous and boring on the third date.
That’s it. Good luck, and remember to listen and smile. Oh, and dance like no one’s watching.
Real Simple Pitches
I’m working to build my writing career by pitching freelance magazines articles. Here are a few article ideas I pitched to Real Simple Magazine:
- Balancing Your Husband and Your Crafting
- Yogurt Your Way to Happiness
- 10 Fun Ideas for Broken Christmas Lights
- Lemon Zesters: A Primer
- 30-Second Brunch
- Why Shelf Liners Matter
- Decorate Your House with Stuff Around Your House
- “Ethnic” Prints Every WASP Should Own
- Centerpieces So Easy, Even an Goofus Can Make Them
- 25 Tips to Speed Up Your Leisure Reading
- Homemade Teeth Bleaching Kits for Kids
- Will Having Kids Take Away from Your Felting Time?
- This Week’s Trench Coat Trends
- 200 Recipes for Leftover Kale
- Rain Ponchos: A Primer
- Five-Minute Harried Mom Looks
- How to Turn Your Leftover Ketchup into a Purse
- Almond Up Your Exercise Routine
- Expensive Wrinkle Creams You Need to Buy Which Also Just Happen to be Our Biggest Advertisers
- Letter Openers: A Primer
- Just Photos of Sunny Kitchens
Me, The Trend Setter
So, guess what? Paunches are coming back in fashion. I guess it’s the pendulum swinging back from skinny jeans and fitted dress shirts. People are getting sick of the waif look.
Finally! I knew this would happen eventually. Remember how rain boots and summer scarves were big two years ago? Now, big bellies are the season’s must-have. I’m so glad I held onto mine.
It’s all about riding out the fads, y’know? First, it’s wide leg jeans; then it’s low rise jeans; then it’s capris; and on and on. You know what looks good? Straight leg jeans. Just stick with a good thing. Like a round little belly.
My wife has been nagging me for years to get rid of my paunch. She thought it looked outdated, and she constantly said I should walk over to the Salvation Army to get rid of it. Yeah, like I’m gonna walk two miles every day to the Salvation Army. It’s on top of a hill, for cripe’s sake.
She’s the one who made me give away my fedora from my swing dancing phase. Now, Mad Men is a hit, and I can’t show off my cool fedora. But, at least I held onto my paunch.
I first got this paunch way back in college. Looks the same as the day I noticed it in a vintage store. (I was trying on an awesome cowboy shirt, and I couldn’t get the buttons to snap. That’s when I noticed my belly in the mirror.) Anyway, I’ve kept this paunch ever since. I guess I’m a trend setter.
Seriously, I have pictures to prove it. Nearly every photo of my since undergrad has my paunch in it, even as other fashion trends came and went. There’s me with my paunch and boot-cut chinos. Then, there was that phase where I only wore hooded sweatshirts over my paunch. I even had it at my wedding, though you can barely see it poking out under my cummerbund.
I simply had faith that if I held onto my paunch long enough, it would come back into vogue. Now, when I go to a bar for my standard four beers and an order of onion rings, I see ladies staring at my roly poly belly. I know what they’re thinking. Sorry, ladies, I may be stylish, but I’m happily married.
Sure, some day my paunch my go out of fashion again, but it’ll come back around. Fashion is cyclical. Look at skinny ties or bellbottoms or hoop earrings. I just hope that giant, asymmetrical foreheads come back into style. Then, I’ll be all set.
Random “Facts”
A list of random, fun facts I made up:
Abraham Lincoln’s brain weighed 40 score and 200 grams.
Our word for “sweater” comes from the Norse god Svetinöðr, god of comfy knits and fetid goat’s milk.
The world record for the longest beard is 3 ½ centimeters.
In WWII, housewives used beaded curtains on their showers in order to donate shower doors to the war front.
The word “MILF” was first coined by Plato in his work, The Republic.
The most common name in 2009 was Shmuley. Boy or girl.
In Victorian England, a popular hobby among the elite was crafting tiny bowlers and top hats for honeybees.
More plates are broken accidentally each year at the Cheesecake Factory in Schaumburg, Illinois than on purpose in all Greek restaurants worldwide.
The average American has two extra “backup” eyes floating around somewhere inside his or her body.
Leonardo da Vinci invented the parachute in 1515, though he thought he had invented a new chili recipe.
In your lifetime, you will swim an average of 2,000 miles in your sleep, due to sleep swimming.
Somewhere, someone is totally doing it right now. You know, it.
The average lifespan of an unopened Twinkie is 25 days. The average lifespan of an opened Twinkie is mmfph mmff mphhmm.
Wild golden retrievers have been known to build underground colonies that can stretch up to 15 miles.
The most expensive diamond in the world has been stolen 42 times, each time by a crew of baby geniuses.
Mountain ogres account for up to 80% of all hiking deaths.
The original mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team was Rummy the Rum-Drinking Alcoholic. He could only sober up by drinking healthy, refreshing beer.
Ice cube trays are for making ice cubes.
Pickles can be turned back into cucumbers through an expensive process called “de-gherking.”
The only U.S. president* who could breathe underwater was Rutherford B. Hayes. (*Because of the voodoo involved, Grover Cleveland wasn’t technically breathing underwater.)
The red-eyed tree frog of Central America can speak to humans once a year on Christmas morning, but it won’t because it’s selfish.
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[Author's note: I sure hope a couple of these make it into some aunt’s email forward one day.]
Quick Tour Of Hell
Hello! Welcome to Hell. Let me give you folks a quick tour. Oh, I’m sorry, can you take off your shoes? Thanks. I know, it’s totally anal and gross, but we just prefer no shoes. There’s a mat over by the door.
Okay, so this is the front entryway. It’s filled with people who haven’t seen important movies yet. They’re constantly complaining about overhearing spoilers. Super annoying. So, we punish them by revealing the endings in code. Like, remember how in The Usual Suspects, Limpy McSourpuss goes all mug-breaky?
Then, this is the second circle. (Hell’s concentric circles, by the way. That was in vogue when we built it, but hanging pictures is a drag, and it’s way leaky when it rains.) This is all the people too into internet porn. What a cliché. We punish them with dial-up connections and malware.
Here’s the third circle. This is for the people who read New York Magazine or Travel and Leisure. We figured we’d put the lifestyle porn people next to the porn porn people. We don’t really torture these people, because they're already doing it, themselves.
Moving on, this next circle is where we put the old ladies in line at Walgreens. Y’know, the ones who try to use expired coupons for junk food? What we do is have one cashier who seems like she’s open, but she’s really just counting cash. So, the lines get all messed up, and then the old ladies fight it out over who was there first.
This fifth circle is for teenage girls. We try not to get involved with their punishment, because it’s not worth the screaming or, worse, the pouting. Essentially, though, it’s that there’s a really cool pool party going on somewhere that none of them got invited to.
Ooh, this is the Stygian Marsh. Next year this is all gonna be condos.
The sixth circle is for the people who don’t own a TV. We get it; you have more important things to do with your life than watch Lost. Shut up and don’t ruin things for everyone else. We cram them all into a tiny Starbucks with only one outlet for all their laptops. Try to finish writing your freelance articles now, assholes.
So, this is the seventh circle. This one’s my favorite. It’s for the gays. Not that being gay is a sin; that’s a total myth. There are tons of awesome homos in Heaven. This is just for the ones who think that being gay automatically makes you witty. Enough with the strained wordplay, already! The punishment here is that it’s a loud dinner party, where you have to keep repeating your lame, half-heard puns, thus taking all the fun out of it.
(We’re almost done, I promise. I know it’s huge, and if I had my choice, we’d downsize to a much smaller Hell. But, you just acquire so many souls when you’ve stayed in the same place this long.)
Then, this is the eighth circle. This is where all the state senators end up. So, this is where the majority of sins have been committed—pandering, hypocrisy, thievery, counterfeiting, sowing of discord—standard state politics. This circle is where we pull out all the classic torture stuff. I’d get into it, but it’s honestly pretty gross and flesh-rippy. Totally deserved, though.
Okay, the ninth circle. This is for this one girl, Beth, who totally pretended to be my friend in Junior High. (This was back in Heaven, before I fell from grace.) One day in line for lunch, she yells, “Hey, everybody, check this out!” And, she yanks down my pants. She pantsed me in front of the entire Heaven! I never lived that down. I think it might be why I eventually became so rebellious and ended up down here. Anyway, Beth is frozen up to her face in ice now, and sometimes I flick my boogers at her.
So, you’ve finally made it! Here’s the end of the tour. My bedroom. This is where the magic happens. I’m just kidding. Can I get you a Coke or water or anything? What do you want to do? We could fire up the Wii or play Bananagrams. I’m cool with whatever.