Barbecue Tips
Blam, it’s barbecue season! Actually, it started a while ago, but it took me awhile to pass my barbecue license test. Now I’m grilling for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Also dessert and afternoon snack… and late night snack… and even later night snack. I’m pretty much constantly barbecuing.
During all that sleepless practice, I learned a buttload of barbecue tips. And, guess what? That’s right; I’m passing them along to you! Grab your tongs, because here we go:
- Only barbecue outdoors in a grill. Never fill your kitchen sink with charcoal and light it, even though that seems to make perfect sense.
- Brush the grate with cooking oil. Otherwise, food will stick to it like a goddamn, stupid sonofabitch.
- Never use more than four bottles of lighter fluid. In fact, probably just stick to using part of one bottle.
- Give your charcoal about 30 minutes to heat up/cool down. Do not watch it while it’s trying to heat up; it gets nervous when people are watching.
- Add aromatic hardwood to the charcoals to give the food a smoky flavor, you yuppie.
- You can marinate chicken in almost anything. I like Caesar salad dressing, but you could try teriyaki sauce or lemon juice or Legos or zippers. (Be sure to remove any Lego pieces before grilling.)
- Some people grill fish instead. No skin off my nose.
- Have a spray bottle of water handy in case your grill flares up. Or, in case a wet t-shirt contest flares up. Fingers crossed.
- Always have a barbecue buddy watch to make sure you don’t get too obsessed with grilling.
- You can grill tater tots on a sheet of tin foil. Yeah, that’s right—I just blew your fucking minds.
- Use a pair of tongs to flip your food. If you do it with your bare hands, the ER doctor will lecture you for like an hour while he wraps the bandages.
- That lecture is almost always about being drunk, by the way. Super boring.
- Avoid loose, flammable clothing while grilling. Like, say, a cheap Halloween wizard’s costume with an awesome pointy cap.
- Use a meat thermometer to test if the meat is cooked enough. Unless you’re manly enough to just know. Are you manly enough?
- Allow the meat to rest before serving. It’s been through a lot.
- Serve meat with some token vegetables so that you can pretend barbecuing is healthy.
- Have your teenage son clean the grill afterward. It’ll teach him a good lesson in resentment.
- Repeat and enjoy.
Powers of Ten
Once you get into very large numbers, not everyone knows the proper nomenclature. Here's a quick guide to huge numbers. It goes:
Ten
Hundred
Thousand
Million
Billion
Trillion
Zillion
Kajillion
Gazillion
Bazillion
Brazilian
Super Brazilian
Bouillon
Duo Deca Gabillion
Googleplex
Mumfordplex
Dingle
Omni-dingle
Bauer's Number (One followed by a mile of zeroes typed in 12-pt Courier)
Ten to the Power of Omni-Dingle
Penultimatillion
Ultimatillion
Infinity
Infinity Plus One
Infinity Times Infinity with a Cherry on Top, No Touchbacks
Planting Dont’s and Dont’s
I’m not very good at raising plants. Every plant I’ve ever owned has dies a slow and painful death. (I’m just guessing about the painful part; I don’t think plants have nervous systems, but I clearly can’t trust my judgment when it comes to plants.)
So, instead of giving you guys advice on how to grow a houseplant, I thought I’d give you tips on how not to grow a houseplant:
1) Don’t yell at your plant too much. But, don’t yell at it too little. I’ve made both mistakes.
2) Don’t try to stretch your plant to make it grow faster.
3) Don’t accidently microwave your plant.
4) Don’t name your plant a girl’s name if it’s clearly a boy plant. It’ll be embarrassed around other plants.
5) Don’t let your plant watch you eat vegetables. Apparently, that scars it psychologically.
6) Don’t give your plant too much chocolate syrup. It’ll become a spoiled brat and start inviting ants to your apartment without permission.
7) Don’t expect edible tomatoes in the first month. Especially if it’s a cactus.
8) Don’t take your plant on bike rides unless you have really strong tape for the handlebars.
9) Don’t talk about money problems in front of your plant.
10) Don’t forget where you hid your plant during Hide & Seek.
11) Don’t wait until it’s too late to have the pollens and the bees talk with your plant.
12) Don’t make your own manure.
13) Don’t leave your pet deer unsupervised with your plants.
14) Don’t try hydroponic growing until you look up what hydroponic means.
15) Don’t keep adding more and more dirt.
16) Don’t use the Super Soaker at full blast to water the plant.
17) Don’t not listen to this advice.
That’s it. Good luck and happy mulching.
Rogue Cop
Yes, I am a rogue cop who does whatever it takes to bring scumbags to justice. Yes, I play by my own rules. But, at least I have rules. Nobody acknowledges that part.
Here are my rules:
- I will never punch a baby. No matter what information it might know.
- I will only plant evidence on the guilty.
- I will always avenge the mob-related deaths of my informants within one week of said death.
- I will never own a car built after 1985.
- I will keep my stubble healthy through weekly conditioning treatments.
- I will hand in my badge and firearm at least once during every case.
- I will own only timeless, never trendy leather jackets.
- I will only sometimes plant evidence on my ex-wife's jerk boyfriend.
- I will grunt grudging acceptance of my new black and/or female partner.
- I will shroud my past in lonesome secret.
- I will refer to everyone by his or her last name.
- I will keep a photo of my estranged children next to my bed to provide some small point of empathy.
- I will drink all the time. That's a promise.
- I will use the c-word in front of priests but never nuns.
- I will roll my own cigarettes, which is not at all a silly affectation reserved for men who lacked a strong male presence in their teens.
- I will never play frisbee.
- I will strut. Again, that's a promise.
My Autobiography
Proposed titles for my autobiography:
To Thine Own Self Be Andy
Who's the Ross?
Rossin’ It
Handsome: One Man's Journey
Me, Myself, and Me Again
Doing It Andy-Style
Ross: Legend or Fact? Fact.
Beard-o!
The Unauthorized Story of the Author
Andy, Finally
This Rakish Cad
"Tad Chipton" The Andy Ross Story
The Man, the Myth, the Andy
Pussy Magnet
Ross vs. Ross: The Internal Struggle
Mr. Professional
Andy Shoots Horses, Doesn't He?
Feeling a Bit Andy
A Ross Without a Thorn
Living La Vida Andy
Hello, God? It's Me, the Boogaloo King
The Story of the World's Classiest Cat Burglar
Ross: You're Welcome
It’s tough to choose, because a lot of these were already titles of my Broadway shows. Do I repeat myself? David Niven already used “The Moon’s a Balloon” for his autobiography, which is unfortunate, because that would have been perfect.
Types of Wrenches
The following is a list of types of wrenches in order of my favorite to least favorite:
Crescent Wrench – Adjustable, dependable, space-efficient.
Combination Wrench – Open at one end, with a ring on the other. You can twirl it on your finger.
Pipe Wrench – Grabs the hell out of pipes. You ain’t seen nothin’ ‘til you’ve seen a pipe wrench go to town on a pipe.
Ratcheted Socket Wrench – Makes an awesome “trtch trtch” sound. Also, you can pretend you know about cars if you’re holding one.
Monkey Wrench – Hee hee hee … monkeys … holding wrenches.
Lug Wrench – Good for taking out of your trunk to look busy while you wait for AAA.
Allen Wrench – Also known as a Hex key, because old Gypsy ladies cast hexes with them to make your IKEA furniture break.
Fire Hydrant Wrench – Would be the most awesome wrench ever if it didn’t get confiscated by the fire department every time I use it.
Spanner – Same as a normal wrench, but in England. Hey, Brits, learn how to talk real English already.
Spoke Wrench – Used by dirty bike messengers to fix their dirty bikes. Right before they knock the sandwich out of your hand at the crosswalk. Yes, the same $9.49 sandwich you just bought seconds ago. That sandwich.
Torque Wrench – Thinks it’s so cool. Get over yourself, torque wrench.
Box-End Wrench – My least favorite wrench. Probably because my wife’s lover killed me with one, and now I’m a ghost haunting his hardware store. I mostly just knock things over and make lists.
My Life Goals
I thought I’d share with you guys a list of my life goals. I haven’t read The Secret, but from what I’ve cobbled together, it seems like you’re supposed to externalize your desires. Then, at night, Oprah Winfrey comes and leaves a new car under your pillow. So, this is me externalizing. My life goals are to:
- Someday own a second pair of shorts.
- Travel to Istanbul and really Istanbul it up.
- Remain roguishly handsome.
- Finally get Esperanto up onto its feet.
- Ride on a motorcycle without wetting myself.
- Build my own home. Or, my own Build-A-Bear.
- Finish writing my bucket list.
- Wear more whimsical hats. (“More” both in number of hats and amount of whimsy.)
- Stop hitting on my bosses’ wives.
- Learn how to play two ukuleles at once.
- Buy second ukulele.
- Meet Jim Henson and shake his hand. (This one might be tough.)
- Own a dog that looks like me. A roguishly handsome dog.
- Somehow have my blog “discovered” by the Colbert Report folks, and be instantly hired to write for the show. Failing that, win the lottery.
- Slowly become crotchety and/or curmudgeonly.
- Became better at proofreating.
- Work at a frozen custard stand. Steal as much custard as I can fit in my pockets.
- Stop watching Glee. It’s horrible, but I can’t look away.
- Dance like no one is watching.
- Have kids that look like me. Roguishly handsome daughters.
- Die in an epically heroic manner.
- Have it turn out that I survived somehow. Be lauded.
- Find that pen I lost.
Lesser-Known Saints
There are a ton of saints, guys. A ton. People know the big ones—the ones with the cities or beers named after them. But, what about the lesser-known saints? That’s why I’m here to help you lapsed Catholics out.
St. Carlyle – Battled a dragon. Lost, but put in a solid effort.
St. Philipius Cornelius – Accidentally slammed his finger in a carriage door every day for 40 years, yet miraculously never took the Lord’s name in vain.
St. Arnold of Bentley – Delayed the invention of birth control.
St. Catherine de Sales – Survived being burned at the stake the first five of six times. (Ultimately turned out to be a witch.)
St. Maximillian of Milan – Showed up with cold lemonade just as the cardinals were finishing moving in all the Vatican furniture.
St. Loquacious – Miraculously well-written Thank You notes.
St. Fancis of Lapidus – Witnessed the face of Christ on the cover of a Kenny Loggins album.
St. Levy the Bold – Drilled a half-court shot at the buzzer to win Sacred Hope Catholic High School its only ever state championship.
St. Walter of Muskegon – Found miracle quarters behind the ears of his grandchildren.
St. Alma de Oltrarno – Died a virgin. Never shut up about it either.
St. Bernard – Miraculously cuddly and lovable.
St. Luke of Nazarene – Got Mary Magdalene to keep quiet about the progeny.
St. Andre of Cologne – Added soft brie to the Eucharist. (Later overturned by Pope Pius IV.)
St. Leslie the Divine – Healed the lepers by calling upon them to “stop being such pussies and walk it off.”
St. Herbert the Skittish – Experienced holy fits of nervousness.
St. Vinny “Squints” Tuscadero – Never squealed once. Not even when the feds was putting the screws to him.
St. Martin of the Hills – Baptized everybody and everything he could get his hands on. Like bunnies and acorns and stuff.
St. Kevin the Elder – Looked very saintly. Really good beard.
Summer Rental Rules
Welcome to Bill and Wendy's summer cottage! This little "cheat sheet" is to help our guests (you) enjoy their (your) stay. If you have any questions, call us at the phone number on the envelope.
- The rental agency probably gave you the keys, or you wouldn't be in here reading this. Unless you're a burglar, in which case STOP BURGLING US!
- Recycle bins are labeled under the sink. We're self-admitted crazies about recycling, so recycle everything. Or else.
- The pilot light in the stove can be tricky. If you singe off your eyebrows, there are eyebrow toupees and spirit gum in the right-hand cabinet.
- There's a tennis racket behind the couch for when bats get inside.
- The plumbing is old, so please no flushing sanitary products or paper towels down the toilet. Also, no number twos.
- There is a canoe in the shed you are welcome to use. As long as you don't mind spiders. Hundreds of spiders.
- The thing that looks like a camera lens and blinking light in the bedroom ceiling is part of the heating system. Please ignore it and continue undressing.
- There’s not really much TV reception out here, but we do have Patch Adams and Teen Wolf Too on VHS. Be kind, rewind!
- If you get cold at night, there are some quilts Bill’s mother made in the chest. You’re welcome to use them. Again, as long as you don’t mind spiders.
- We highly recommend a trip to nearby Lake Patawawawachakikta. It’s name is Native American for “Birthplace of the Leach Plague.” Interesting factoid, don’t you think?
- If anything breaks, Mr. Trufter down the road is the neighborhood “handy man.” He’ll come over and give you a handy.
- The linen closet door sticks. Just hit the handle three times with the wrench, then lift up and to the left, and put your foot against the doorframe where the footprints are. Then, simply twist the knob to the right and jiggle it vertically as you yank back with your full weight. It’s simple.
- If you don’t like the smell of mothballs, you’ve come to the wrong rental cabin.
- The heater in the attic makes some weird noises at night. It is definitely not Bill and I hiding in the attic watching you sleep.
- Please turn over the porch chairs if it rains.
Those are all the rental rules. Enjoy your stay at Casa de Gunderson! And, again, if you have any questions, call the number on the envelope. It may sound like a cell phone is ringing in the attic, but again that’s just the heater.
Cheers,
Wendy & Bill
Moving Tips: Part Two
Continuing yesterday's tips about moving, here are a few thoughts for after the move:
1) By the end of the day, your movers will hate you. Don't be upset. They have good reason; you own too much shit. It actually is gross how much stuff you own.
2) Don't try to engage your movers in conversation. Their job is to move your stuff, not appease your yuppie guilt. And, it's not a sign of solidarity that you once helped your friends move a hide-a-bed.
3) Unpack your wine glasses and pajamas first. The rest can wait until tomorrow.
4) Prepare yourself for the full and very real realization as to the number of socks you own. Holy crap, that's alotta socks!
5) You female friends will offer to come over to help unpack. It's because they want to look through your private things. They don't know that's the reason behind their urge to help. It's evolution. Hide your dildos.
6) Ignore the naked shut-in next door. You'll get used to him just like you got used to the constant smell of cumin at the last place.
7) Discussing possible furniture arrangements is a fun and easy way to break up your marriage.
8) Take time to explore your new neighborhood. Alright, that's enough. Back to watching TV. Mad Men is starting back up.
9) Don't expect your first blog post after a long day of moving to be very long or even that funny.