First Date Tips
12 Steps to a Perfect First Date:
1) Don’t mispronounce your own name. It’s pretty suspicious.
2) Full intercourse right away. Before you leave for the restaurant. It deflates the tension.
3) A simple mnemonic: Milkshake then sushi, problems with tushy; Sushi then milkshake, also big mistake.
4) Avoid religion, especially the part about believing that crystals radiate “aura stabilizers.”
5) Bring your dog, so if you get nervous, you can pretend your dog is a ventriloquist dummy. “Ruff ruff, I’ll have the couscous with a side of bones.”
6) Body language is important. Remember to have body language.
7) Post-dinner laser tag.
8) Show your date that trick where you dislocate your thumb, and it hangs there like it’s dead.
9) Take a breather about halfway through the evening. Just explain to your date you need to take a breather.
10) It’s never too early to ask for help with a pimple on your back. It shows you’re open to intimacy.
11) Never kiss on the first date. Stick to high fives and full intercourse.
12) Mail your date the thank you card and souvenir t-shirt the very next day. Some people wait a week, but we’re too old to play games.
There you go. Good luck on your dates. Enjoy yourself, and don’t throw up.
My Twin’s Pain
Ever since we were little, my twin brother Frank and I could always sense what the other one was feeling. No matter how far away we were from each other. People think it’s weird, but it’s just how we are.
Like, right now, I can tell that Frank feels like eating a hotdog. It’s just this sensation I have in my stomach. I bet if we called him up right now, he’d admit he’s been craving a hotdog. I sure hope he doesn’t have one, because whenever Frank eats hotdogs, it gives us both terrible indigestion.
Once, Frank broke his leg. He was in Australia at the time, and I was in San Diego. So, the moment he broke his leg I was on the other side of the world, and … I didn’t feel a thing. Maybe he was too far away. Or, maybe it was because I was on a week-long bender. I was blackout drunk for 10 days straight after Michelle left me. Frank says I got so drunk that he was having a hard time driving in Australia. That’s how he broke his leg.
Anyway, the day he got the cast off felt great for me.
Frank and Michelle started dating right after that. I guess it makes sense, because Michelle is attracted to guys who look like Frank. It was really rough for me re-experiencing all those first tinglings of love with Michelle. Because, they were Frank’s tinglings, and getting them secondhand sucked. I got pretty depressed. So, Frank got pretty depressed too. Michelle helped him (and me by extension) get through it. That bitch.
I spent their entire wedding night slamming my testicles against a sawhorse in my garage. I’d stand up on it, sort of freefall into a straddle position, and then pass out a bit. It was the worst night of my life. Franks’ too. He spent his entire Cancun honeymoon with an icepack on his crotch. My doctor says I can never ride a bike again, but at the time, I thought it was worth it.
Frank and I haven’t talked much since the testicles thing. He knows I feel bad about it. I can feel that he feels that I feel bad about it.
On our most recent birthday, I ate a piece of his favorite chocolate cake as a sort of apology. I hope he enjoyed it. And, I hope he knows that I forgive him for stealing away that only woman that I will ever love. Ever. My one true love Michelle.
Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the stomach now.
Our Discussion
That’s great news about your job, and I’m so glad we’re having this chat about work and life, but I was wondering if we can talk about TV now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really enjoyed our conversation. It’s good to hear what you’re up to, and I think we’ve worked through a lot of good ideas. But, it’s been almost 45 minutes without mentioning what TV shows we’re watching.
Like Modern Family. When you said that thing about buying your boyfriend a gift, it reminded me of a recent Modern Family episode. And, I wanted to ask if you had seen it too, but the opening never presented itself. I’m glad to know that you found him a cool watch, but I still don’t know if you’ve been watching Modern Family. If not, you should be. It’s a great show.
Also great, Parks and Recreation. That show is really coming into its own. Much funnier than your story about your new niece. Not that you’re not funny. Just, how can you compete with TV? They’re professionals at that stuff.
All this talk about bosses and getting ready to have kids has gotten kinda heavy. Can we talk about something else? We don’t have to talk about just TV. We can talk about anything. How about Netflix? Anything exciting on your Netflix queue?
Do you do Netflix streaming? It’s great! I’ve been waiting like a half hour to tell you about it. In fact, I kinda zoned out on what you were saying, because I was trying to think of a streaming documentary that I thought you’d like. I’m sorry about that. It was Trumbo, by the way. It’s a documentary about the blacklisted screenwriters.
Anyway, don’t feel like you have to talk about TV or Netflix. I’m happy to discuss whatever. As long as it’s not work or politics or family stuff. Or plans or travel or books or feelings or the weather. But, like DVD box sets or those new 3-D LCD screens or Blu-ray players would be great. Whatever you want.
Homemade Ice Cream Cake
Yet another video in the "How Do...?" instructional series. Here, we'll learn how to make homemade ice cream cake? Whaaaa?!! You bet your ass homemade ice cream cake!
Harry and the Hendersons
In case you need a little help on trivia night, here are a few facts not many people know about the 1987 movie Harry and the Hendersons:
- The actor inside the Harry costume was only 5’2” tall. Harry’s extreme height in the film was created through a series of in-camera tricks and hiring an all-midget cast.
- In the film, characters keep referring to John Lithgow as someone named “George Henderson” even though he’s clearly John Lithgow. Couldn’t they recognize John Lithgow, famous actor of stage and screen?
- The plot is loosely based on the real-life story of a man who brought home a grizzly bear, married her, and had three bear children.
- A sitcom spin-off of the movie lasted only three seasons, but the spin-off of that spin-off was a little show called Seinfeld.
- The working title of the shooting script was Bigfoot and the Bigfootersons.
- When Harry accidentally knocks over the nightie-wearing teenage daughter, Sarah, his facial expression implies that he sees her genitals. This was insisted upon by the studio to help the movie get its hard R rating.
- The closing credits always make me tear up a little.
- Each year, the Cryptozoology Society of America releases an updated list of the film’s scientific inaccuracies. As with all cryptozoology, the list, itself, is mostly scientifically inaccurate.
- A school talent show scene featuring Harry tap dancing to Lullaby of Broadway was cut due to runtime.
- There were 12 different dogs used to portray the family pet, Little Bob. This is because the actor playing Jaques LaFleur kept devouring them.
This Book
I’m reading this new book, and it is super good. I can’t think of the name right now, but I really think you’d like it.
It’s about a young guy named, uh … something with a J. And, he’s on this submarine, I think. It might be that he’s at a pool. I know for sure that he “dives” somehow. And, at first, you think this guy—maybe Jake—is just a regular guy, but it turns out that he’s actually something else. I can’t say what, because I don’t want ruin it for you, and because I don’t quite remember exactly. Thinking back on it, his name might be Joseph.
Anyway, Jake works at a dive bar. Yup, that must be where I got the word “dive.” So, it’s a bar then. Also, it may be in Pittsburgh. One day, either a movie mogul or a real estate mogul—some kind of mogul—comes in and offers Joseph a job. Then, a bunch of really cool stuff happens from there.
And, I just got to this part in the book where another character, who may or may not be a lady, comes in and says something really funny. It’s a joke about some people doing something wacky. I wish I could think of the punchline, because it was really funny.
So after that, Joseph gets chased by a dog or some kind of animal or person. And, either he escapes or he doesn’t. But, the point is that it’s through this dark behind-the-buildings place. Like an alleyway. But dark. I guess alleys can be dark. Maybe it was an alley.
Then, in the end, there’s a big twist that you’d never expect. Just like in that one movie about the guy who goes to the thing with the girl from that other movie about elves. She’s got black hair? You know the movie I’m talking about? Not the elves movie, but the other movie? It’s like that.
When I read this book, I thought of you, because I know how much you like books about Philadelphia and vampires. Oh shit! I think I ruined the ending. Sorry. It was such a good book. Anyway, you should look for it in the vampire section at Borders. The cover was blue. Or black.
Rainy Day Activities
Stuck inside on a rainy day? Here are a few suggestions to keep you busy/sane:
- Update the first half of your contacts list on your phone before giving up.
- Do some meal planning. It should all be salads, but that would make you kill yourself, right?
- Make a fort out of blankets, cushions, broomsticks, a mini trampoline tipped on its side, a cardboard box with spaceship controls drawn on it, a beanbag chair, a couple of dirty magazines, that old Tilt-A-Whirl car in the living room, and clothespins.
- For a craft project, you’ll need a paper towel tube and a pair of scissors. Cut the paper towel tube into thirds. Done! Now you've got homemade toilet paper tubes.
- Break out any puzzles or board games you haven’t played in awhile. There might be pot hidden in one of the boxes. That’s just a guess.
- Bake cookies. Unless you are missing one ingredient. If so, try not to think about the delicious, delicious cookies you could have been making right now.
- Watch the movie War Games and try to mentally count the number of times you’ve watched War Games on a rainy day. Catching the last forty minutes on AMC counts as a half point.
- Second nap.
- Take a bath. (Make it one of those sexy baths with candles and rose petals and some soft R&B music playing from the other room.) Gently cry it out.
- Tie up your recycling. Set aside that unread Newsweek with the cover story about Afghanistan, which you will set aside again the next time you tie up the recycling.
- Put together a scrapbook that indexes all your other scrapbooks. Trying to remember which scrapbook has your trip to see Mama Mia? It’s cross-referenced under M for Musicals and A for your Aunt Gladys.
Craigslist Post
Wanted: One Jug Player. Professionalism and 3+ years experience required.
Up-and-coming jamboree band recently lost its jug player to a rival jug band. (If you’re reading this, Willy, we hope you enjoy your new “friends.”) Looking for an experienced, reliable jug player with own jug and van.
Must be career-driven and willing to put the band first. This is not a position for a jug player who might bail for a less motivated jamboree band just because he had a kid.
Must be familiar with the following songs:
- Swamp Brush Stomp
- Juggin’
- Uncle Gomer’s Gone Missin’
- Dirt Porch Two Step
- My Straw Hat
- Space Oddity
- Possum Go Home
Again, looking for someone interested in taking their jug playing to the next level. Goal is to be signed by a major label within the next six months, and everyone needs to put in their share of the legwork—flyering, mending overalls, out of town gigs. Ability to sit in on spoons and/or washboard a bonus, but not required. Also, HTML skills a big plus.
If interested, please contact “Slim” and provide a phone number and available dates for a possible test hoedown.
World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer
When I say that I’m the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I hope that doesn’t come across as cocky or vain. I am simply stating a fact, like “the sky is blue” or “towels are for drying things.” I am the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer. Fact. Period. Done. Fact.
It’s not an insult to anyone else’s dancing. It’s not a challenge. Believe me, it’s not a challenge. It’s just something I’ve come to accept about myself, and something I’m finally starting to embrace.
I don’t know how it happened. It’s not like I dreamed as a young boy of becoming the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer. I never trained for it or took lessons. I just sorta fell into it. I guess it was that perfect mix of natural talent and luck. The opportunity (read: weddings) presented itself, and I rose (read: pop and locked) to the occasion.
Part of it is that I don’t just move to the music; I become the music. Earth Wind & Fire, Prince, Sister Sledge—the rhythm enters me through my chest and streams out through my limbs. It’s as though my body becomes a conduit so that the beat can gain physical form. Sometimes I feel like the music takes over, and I watch myself from the outside as I shake my hips. What I see looks good.
It’s not just all hips with me, either. As the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I am not afraid to throw my hands up in the air if the situation calls for it, which it always does.
Listen, I don’t go into a wedding reception to intentionally outshine the bride. Strike that. I guess I do. But, there’s nothing malicious about it. In fact, I believe I’m helping the bride by making her wedding the most memorable day possible. Without me and my World’s Greatest Dancing, it’s not really a reception; it’s just some sad get-together after the ceremony.
As the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I go to a wedding with one goal in mind—to have every guest there saying, “Who is that amazing dancer? No, no, the chubby guy over there spinning and spinning. My god, he’s incredible. And sweaty.” If I hear that, I know I’ve done my job.
Twirling, shimmying, hustling, electric boogalooing, dropping it like it’s hot—as the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, that is what I bring to the table. That is my gift to the bride and groom. (Sometimes I’ll buy them an ice cream maker, but the real gift is the dancing.) And, it is also my gift to the world.