Moving Tips: Part One
The wife and I are in the middle of cramming everything we own into a series of smaller and smaller boxes. In the process, I’ve learned a few tips to help you with your next move. Enjoy:
1) Hire movers. Don’t be a prideful asshole.
2) Start packing early. We packed all our dishes months ago, and we’ve been eating with our fingers straight out of the pot. Mostly mac & cheese.
3) Bath towels are great for wrapping fragile things—things like your emotions during a move.
4) The cable company wants your DVR box back. So, I guess you’ll never get to watch that documentary about cat groomers from three years ago.
5) You might be worried about your flatscreen breaking during transport. Simply take a hammer and smash it. There, no more worrying.
6) Wardrobe boxes are great for making forts. But, wait until after the move, or else your wife will get mad.
7) Make sure to pack the new apartment keys at the bottom of a box to keep them safe from thieves. And, don’t label which box, just in case.
8) Try not to impose human emotions onto any furniture you dump onto the curb. I’m sure your bed isn’t sad about being carelessly tossed aside. After all those years together. It’s not sad at all. Sniff.
9) Lamps. Meh. You probably won’t need them in the new place.
10) Try to choose the hottest day of the summer to move. I have faith you can do it.
11) If you’re worried about not getting your security deposit back, just fuck it. Paintball party!
12) There’s no point in moving a half jar of pickle relish to your new place. So grab a spoon and dig in.
13) You are going to run out of tape. Prepare yourself mentally going in. Don’t try to trick Fate buying twice the amount of tape. You’ll just be doubly crushed when it runs out.
14) Don’t lift with your back, lift with your niece. (ie. Get your five-year-old niece to hold one end of the armoire.)
15) Fill in any nail holes in your wall with nails. It’s a surprisingly perfect fit.
16) Remember: Don’t go crazy if something breaks or goes missing. It’s all just stuff. Expensive, irreplaceable stuff.
That’s it. Good luck with your move. Come back tomorrow for unpacking tips.
My Superstitions
Not walking under a ladder. Throwing salt over your shoulder. Some superstitions are common. But, everyone has their individual ones as well. For instance, I know a guy who thinks shrimp are unlucky just because he goes to the ER every time he eats shellfish.
Here are a few of my own idiosyncratic superstitions:
- I hold my breath whenever I pass a cemetery.
- I refuse to tell anyone my dreams before breakfast, for fear they’ll come true.
- Whenever a dachshund crosses my path, I have to pour out whatever orange juice I’m drinking at the time.
- I only ever chew gum two sticks at once, or else the Baba Yaga will come to steal my eyes.
- When my favorite basketball team is on a winning streak, I can’t de-lice my mascot uniform.
- I am allowed to break a mirror, but only out of anger at what I’ve become.
- If I don’t say “bless you” after someone sneezes, the world ends. You’re welcome, world.
- I turn all my teddy bears to face the wall while I sleep.
- I can’t open umbrellas indoors. Even little cocktail umbrellas, which makes Piña Colada Tuesdays no fun.
- Whenever I lose at Scrabble, I have to flip over the board and call my wife a cheater.
- I own a lucky horseshoe, which I found the day I got hit in the head playing horseshoes.
- When I’m at a wedding, I have to dance better than everyone else, or else the couple will be barren.
- I avoid the 13th floor of my building. Just because my ex-girlfriend, Betty, works there.
- Whenever I find a baby alone in the forest, I leave it, because it’s probably a changeling.
- If I step on a crack in the sidewalk, I call my mom to see if anything’s new.
- If someone touches my foot with the broom while sweeping, I have to punch that person in the face to get my soul back.
- Red moon at night, Rapper’s Delight.
- When a ladybug lands on me, I blow it away and make a wish that all these damn ladybugs stop landing on me.
That’s it for now. I’m never allowed to list more than 18 of my superstitions at one time, or else it’s bad luck.
Favorite Dog Breeds
A list of my favorite breeds of dog, along with quick descriptions of their temperament:
Golden Retriever
– loving, loyal, goofy
Scottish Terrier
– sweet, silly, rambunctious
Highland Goathound
– bullish, strong-willed, observant
Royal Dutch Pompadour
– elitist, flippant, obfuscating
Flat-Faced Dimplepinscher
– jaundiced, jittery, hyperglycemic
Italian Petite Bangs Terrier
– pointy, grateful, lilac-scented
Belgian Grundler
– impish, avuncular, annotated
Silky Chuptopper
– distractible, randy, semi-formal
Taiwanese Shin Shin
– ovular, prescient, newfangled
Mottled Chestermeyer
– narcissistic, reciprocating, perspicacious
Irish Bogie Whiner
– symptomatic, encrusted, stringent
Mustachioed Bugli
– pedantic, impromptu, rabble-rousing
Austrian Corbinbersen
– garrulous, blubbery, extemporaneous
Manchester Tonguehound
– tangential, hackneyed, rough-hewn
Friggen Yaws Terrier
– mollycoddled, querulous, milquetoast
Tips to Beat the Heat
Here are a few tips for keeping cool in this summer’s stupid hot heat:
- Place a cold compress on the back of your neck.
- Find a shady area.
- Avoid strenuous activities, like triathlons or World’s Strongest Man competitions.
- Drink plenty of water. Remember: Gatorade is only for teenage boys and hillbillies.
- Light colors reflect the sunlight. Paint yourself titanium white.
- Wear a wide-brimmed hat, like that novelty foam cowboy hat I won for you at Six Flags. Remember? I got three 100-point shots at Skeeball! Three in one game!
- Never leave a pet in a parked car. Unless it’s a potentially delicious pet chicken.
- Wear lightweight, loose-fitting clothing despite it being Comic-Con and you having glued all that rad shit to your unitard.
- Avoid drinking alcohol, which actually dehydrates you. Also, you’re a mean drunk.
- Use your trunk to fling cooling mud onto your back.
- Stay inside someplace air-conditioned, even though the only thing playing at 2:30 is The Last Airbender, which everyone says sucks.
- Carry around a parasol and say things like, “My my, I do believe I’ve caught the vapors.”
- Frozen custard five times a day.
- Make friends with someone who owns a boat. Do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.
- My thirteen-year-old nephew wants me to inform you that in New York State, it is legal for ladies to go topless.
- Put your bed sheets in the freezer. Mattress too.
- Check in on elderly neighbors, who are more prone to heat stroke. Maybe you’ll get a Werther’s Original out of it.
- Cut open a polar bear and climb inside.
That’s it for now. Stay cool, guys. Stay cool forever.
My Trick Knee
My trick knee is acting up. I tore a ligament in junior varsity, and now it’s feeling sore again. That could mean one of a few things:
Either, it’s going to rain.
Or, it’s going to snow.
Or, it’s going to rain and then change over to snow.
Or, it might snow for a while and then sleet.
Or, it might heat up.
Or, it’s going to get chilly and breezy.
Or, it’s going to be overcast.
Or sunny.
Or, it might mean there’s a hurricane headed our way.
Or, it might just get foggy in the early morning.
Or, it could mean pleasant picnic weather in the afternoon.
Or, a wave of locusts.
I’m not sure. My trick knee acting up could mean a lot of things. I’m trying to figure out the patterns, but it’s pretty inconsistent. It’s almost as if my trick knee doesn’t predict the weather at all. Nah! I’m just kidding. It means it’s going to rain. Take an umbrella to work.
Additional Laws of Robotics
We all know the First Three Laws of Robotics. Heck, every child learns them in their third grade Robot Studies class. But, even many adults don’t realize the complexity of the robot legal system. So, here’s a list of the amendments to the Robot Constitution of 2042:
Law 1 – A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
Law 2 – A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
Law 3 – A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Law 4 – A robot’s eyes must shift to red moments before it turns evil.
Law 5 – A robot must tilt its head to the side to indicate it is intrigued by concepts such as “love” or when it first meets a barking dog.
Law 6 – A robot must only dance in the awesome “robot style” of dancing.
Law 7 – A robot must not swim within a half hour after recharging.
Law 8 – A robot must always cede the right of way to a human inside the vacu-tube system.
Law 9 – A robot must have a shutoff switch at the nape of its neck. ‘Cause of the evil thing.
Law 10 – A robot must have both flathead and Phillips-head screwdriver attachments for its forefinger.
Law 11 – Lady robots must always be sexy, but a classy kind of sexy.
Law 12 – If a robot’s head is removed from its body, the body must become kind of bumbling in its search for the head.
Law 13 – A robot cop must say if it’s a robot or not when you ask it. Otherwise, this drug bust is entrapment, man.
Law 14 – A few robots must communicate in beeps and boops for some reason.
Law 15 – A robot must never scoff at its owner’s Cheetos-stained shirt and anime collection.
For the complete list of the remaining 220,651 Robot Laws, please plug holo-chip number 178532.823b into the memory port of your iGlasses.
My Dog’s Tricks
I have taught my dog, Bumpers, the following tricks:
Sit.
Stay.
Roll over.
Steal that lady’s bikini top.
Beg.
Get the newspaper.
Get the Entertainment Weekly.
Open the fridge door.
Stop eating everything in the fridge.
Talk.
Shed.
Wear sunglasses knowingly.
Sniff crotches to show guests who’s boss.
Heel.
Heal. (This one is very slow.)
Carouse.
Fetch.
Fletch (ie. do your impression of Fletch.)
Take the blame for chewing my wife's shoes.
Destroy!
Steal that other lady’s bikini top.
Play dead.
Play resurrected.
Enjoy yourself.
How to Avoid Mosquito Bites
Summer is here in full force, and it has brought along thousands of mosquitoes. Every year, the darn things declare war on our backyard barbecues. Here are a few helpful tips to avoid getting your asses chewed up by goddamn mosquitoes:
- Mosquitoes breed in standing water. Make sure your backyard has proper drainage.
- Avoid the outdoors at dusk or dawn, times when many mosquitoes are most active.
- Mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide you exhale. So, try to avoid doing that.
- Wear loose-fitting clothing that covers your arms and legs. Because, mosquitoes are creeped out by sexual ambiguity and not knowing what gender they’re biting.
- Also, avoid bright or dark colors. You know what would be good? The khaki tunic you wore when you were in that cult. Maybe you should get that out. Unless it brings back too many memories.
- Try burning a citronella candle. Move it around every 10 to 30 seconds to stay downwind.
- Avoid making eye contact with a mosquito. It’ll think you’re asking for it.
- Catch mosquitoes mid-air with a pair of chopsticks.
- Mosquitoes are also attracted to scented detergents and strong perfumes. Sorry, old ladies.
- Eat tons of garlic and wear a garlic necklace. When you stop to think about it, mosquitoes are just tiny vampires. Tiny, sexy vampires that want to suck your blood and maybe fight a werewolf for your affection.
- Bug zappers don’t really kill mosquitoes. Bug zappers just kill moths and also my co-worker’s Uncle Rudy when one fell into his hot tub.
- Wear a mosquito net draped over you at all times. This works so well, you can go ahead and be totally nude underneath. Whatever floats your boat.
- DEET is a powerful, harsh chemical that works like a charm. It not only deters mosquitoes, but it also slowly kills their food source.
- Instead of DEET, some people apply essential oils like lavender, eucalyptus, or tea tree oil. These people are weird hippies who will try to give you a backrub.
- Buy a bird feeder to attract mosquito-eating birds. Don’t put any birdseed in the feeder, or the birds may fill up on seeds. Stupid birds.
- Finally, simply be one of those people who doesn’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Stop being such a wimp.
New Job Dos and Don’ts
Now that the economy is picking back up (and your unemployment benefits have finally run out), it’s time to get a job. So, go out a get one … Did you get a job yet? Good. Then, here are a few dos and don’ts for your first day:
Do thank your new boss for the opportunity.
Don’t challenge him to an Indian leg wrestling match.
Do iron your shirt to make a good first impression
Don’t wear your homemade Twilight t-shirt.
Do fill out all your employee paperwork carefully.
Don’t fold it into an origami grasshopper, no matter how incredibly impressive that is.
Do make friends with the receptionist.
Don’t throw up.
Do learn how to transfer calls correctly.
Don’t cut the phone lines so that they can’t call the police.
Do make small talk around the water cooler.
Don’t whisper small talk from behind the water cooler.
Do bring a sack lunch.
Don’t bring your personal chef. People might figure out that you're just there to research your next film role.
Do set up a tricky password for your work email.
Don’t constantly brag about how tricky it is. Everybody already knows it’s t3am3dward.
Do clean up after yourself in the office kitchen.
Don’t clean yourself in the office kitchen.
Do learn about the company’s history.
Don’t cry at the sad parts.
Do put supplies back where you found them.
Don’t pretend you’re putting them to sleep in their little supply cabinet bedroom.
Do refill the photocopier with paper.
Don’t refill the photocopier with lasagna noodles.
Do get there a little early.
Don’t leave there until they promise you can come back tomorrow. Make them pinky swear.
Good luck. Remember, don't do any of the above don'ts. I'm serious.
All Your Paperwork
Alright, just a few last steps, and we should be all set. We need to make sure all your paperwork is in order before we sign off on the agreement. I’m going to read off a list of documents, and if you could, please place them on the desk as I cross them off:
- W2 forms for the past five years
- Credit ratings
- Two forms of photo ID
- Social security card
- Proof of renter’s insurance
- Letter of good standing from a current landlord
- Letter of good standing from two previous landlords
- Stock dividends
- Records of student loan payments
- Letters confirming employment
- Promissory note from employers that company is not downsizing
- Criminal background check
- Retirement fund statements
- Bank statements for the past 12 months
- Psychological aptitude test
- Signature of a guarantor
- Proof you have never had bedbugs
Okay, it looks like you’ve got all your documentation in order. Congratulations! Here’s your new adoptive baby. I’m sure you’ll make a terrific ...
What? You didn’t want to adopt a baby? You wanted to rent an apartment in New York City? Oh no, you don’t enough paperwork for that.
Where’s your letter of reference from a film celebrity? Where is your grandmother’s Daughters of the American Revolution membership card? I don’t see your human genome map in here anywhere. No no no, you can’t rent an apartment here.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have this baby? Look how cute it is.